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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unhappy AIBU

47 replies

IEA · 05/12/2017 21:58

Bit of an awkward one.
I’m 34, been with my husband for nearly 14 years, married for nearly 5. We have 3 children, 11, 7 & 2. He’s a good husband, provides for us all, is a great dad. He’s my best friend & I do love him.....but that’s about it. To put it bluntly, we’ve had sex once in the last YEAR! I’m so desperately unsatified with our sexlife. When we do have sex, I’m lucky if it lasts 10 minutes. I’m increasingly having thoughts about other men, 1 in particular, mainly for meaningless sex, nothing more.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him but obviously it’s awkward.
I feel stuck. I don’t work, his choice, will go back to work when our youngest starts school. Definitely no plans to have anymore kids. House in his his name, cars in his name, I literally have nothing. I can’t leave & wouldn’t want to do that to my children.
I’m so unhappy I don’t know what to do.
I’m not saying that sex is the be-all-&-end-all but I feel I’m living a miserable existence where my life is so incredibly boring & lacks any kind of passion & that’s not right for s person my age. It’s been like this for a long time. The only times we’ve had sex on a regular basis was when we were trying for our last to children (1st was unplanned). Our sexlife has never been that great. I’ve tried spicing it up but he just doesn’t seem bothered.
I’m miserable.
What do I do?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 05/12/2017 22:04

Talk to him?

Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:06

Done that, does nothing

OP posts:
LittleLights · 05/12/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 05/12/2017 22:09

Financially you have protection as you married.

I would tell him that things really are that bad from your point of view that you are considering divorce. Give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to work it out or not.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2017 22:10

You are married

All the assets are joint

Just sayin'

Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:10

He doesn’t really seem to have any?! I just don’t think he’s that bothered about it. I am though

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:14

@AnyFucker that might not be strictly true depending when things were bought etc.

Op I'd sit down and tell him you feel financially vulnerable and that you don't think it's fair that everything is in his name while he wants you to stay off work. Get title deeds changed over etc.

Have a separate conversation about sex. What have you said to him so far about your sex life?

Iloveanimals · 05/12/2017 22:15

I'm sorry. Have you talked to him and said that you are not happy and is he willing to seek help? If he's not that is not your fault. On the other hand he has rights too and he doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to. Unfortunately it is a make or break situation. It either gets fixed, I.e he gets help. Or it doesn't and you part.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2017 22:17

Yes Kaytee. It's more ythan than likely op would be awarded more than 50% in a divorce as she is main carer for the dc. At least until they are of age.

Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:24

I’ve just said that I don’t find our sexlife satisfying & that we don’t have sex often enough. Makes it awkward though coz then I feel like I’ve put pressure on the situation & sex is a bit of a “chore” after that.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:25

Possibly but I do know someone who got very little as her husband bought his house before they married. Op should get some legal advice if she does plan to leave. Hopefully it won't come to that for her.

LittleLights · 05/12/2017 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:26

What has he said to that? Does he have any outside pressures at all? He may just have no sex drive and he might be happy like that but he needs to be honest with you.

LittleLights · 05/12/2017 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:29

I wouldn't suggest jumping on someone who doesn't want to have sex. I'd be pretty upset if my dh did that to me. There's gentler ways of initiating sex, I'm assuming op is doing that and he's turning her down.

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 22:30

Is he gay?

Iloveanimals · 05/12/2017 22:31

Jumping on someone is rather rude isn't it?? And I doubt you'd be giving that advice to a man with his wife? Just saying. Men have rights too ya know. ;)

FlouncyDoves · 05/12/2017 22:31

Have an affair?

Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:32

He’s not really said very much as it’s an embarrassing conversation to have. He kind of acknowledges that it’s an issue but then nothing changes. I’ve tried the whole jumping on him thing & he just thinks I’m being weird or just ignores me, rolls over & pretends to be asleep

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/12/2017 22:33

They have been together for 14 years with an 11 year old I would be surprised if all assets are joint

Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:33

I don’t think he’s gay! I’d be VERY surprised

OP posts:
Original poster
IEA · 05/12/2017 22:35

Doesn’t seem to be any problems rising to the occasion when it does happen, it’s all over pretty quickly after that though

OP posts:
cathyclown · 05/12/2017 22:36

Depression, prescribed drugs for other issues that have that side effect?

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 22:36

Is he affectionate outside of sex? Hand holding, hugs, kisses etc? Does he say he loves you? Was your sex life ever good?

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:39

You'll need to get him at a time where you can talk properly (not when you're trying to initiate sex). Ask him to tell you honestly if he wants to have more sex. If he says yes then try to agree a very unromantic schedule of a date night once a month that of course doesn't have to end in sex as no one should be forced but the expectation is there and the opportunity. If he says no he doesn't want more sex then ask him to suggest what you are supposed to do then. If he has no sex drive at all maybe he would like to see a doctor or a counsellor, you could support him with that.