Unhappy AIBU

[IEA]

Bit of an awkward one.
I’m 34, been with my husband for nearly 14 years, married for nearly 5. We have 3 children, 11, 7 & 2. He’s a good husband, provides for us all, is a great dad. He’s my best friend & I do love him.....but that’s about it. To put it bluntly, we’ve had sex once in the last YEAR! I’m so desperately unsatified with our sexlife. When we do have sex, I’m lucky if it lasts 10 minutes. I’m increasingly having thoughts about other men, 1 in particular, mainly for meaningless sex, nothing more.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him but obviously it’s awkward.
I feel stuck. I don’t work, his choice, will go back to work when our youngest starts school. Definitely no plans to have anymore kids. House in his his name, cars in his name, I literally have nothing. I can’t leave & wouldn’t want to do that to my children.
I’m so unhappy I don’t know what to do.
I’m not saying that sex is the be-all-&-end-all but I feel I’m living a miserable existence where my life is so incredibly boring & lacks any kind of passion & that’s not right for s person my age. It’s been like this for a long time. The only times we’ve had sex on a regular basis was when we were trying for our last to children (1st was unplanned). Our sexlife has never been that great. I’ve tried spicing it up but he just doesn’t seem bothered.
I’m miserable.
What do I do?

Sex life has never been as exciting as I would like. He’s not that affectionate tbh, not many kisses, virtually never holds my had as we never go anywhere together pretty much. Jesus I have a proper miserable life don’t I? I honestly feel that we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for our children. We’d only been together about a year before I got pregnant & we were both young

You can find a LOT of men complaining that their wife's partners whatever have gone of the boil or the flame has gone out completely:(

It does sound his sex drive is almost none existentent I wonder if their might be an underlying medical reason for it?. Might be worth asking him, yes awkward i know, to to see his doctor to eliminate that other than that there's now a lot else you can do . Affairs are very risky and someone will get hurt. It seems to me sometimes that couples who have this problem should let the other one wander of to get what they need elsewhere but then again that's probably more problematic than splitting.

Well I wouldn't normally recommend this. But why not have an affair. I don't think at your young age you can be expected to live in chastity for the rest of your life. It's not what you signed up for. It's either that or put up with it or leave.

I genuinely do care for him. He is my best friend. We do have a laugh together n stuff but there’s nothing passionate about our relationship. I wouldn’t want to hurt him & without wanting to sound like a total bitch, if I were to have an affair & he found out, he could proper screw me over in a divorce if it were to come to that.

I would try to find out if there is a medical reason for his lack of sexual interest and would suggest asking him if there are any ways to encourage increased satisfaction for both of you.

You have been together a long time, talking about sex is rarely comfortable to start with but it does get easier over time. Just ask him outright what his biggest fantasy is and share yours. There are a lot of things you can buy over the internet, discreetly, which may be able to help.

Aside from that there is evidence which suggests that the more orgasms one has the more they crave and that the opposite is also true so it may be that if you can get things to start to improve they will continue to improve on their own. Ask him if he is masturbating regularly, if not, maybe you could get him some sex toys and use them with him. Sex doesn't have to be full on penetration every time so the pair of you could work together to establish greater physical contact in other ways. Even increased non-sexual physical contact is thought to lead to greater sexual intimacy between partners.

I would not recommend having an affair. If you try other things and nothing works maybe talk about alternatives but keeping things from him will ruin your relationship, trust is key to a good relationship and a good sex life.

It can't just be "his choice" that you don't work. If you want to work, you don't have to wait for youngest to start school. Get a plan for going back as soon as you want to, present him with it - childcare costs coming out of family pot not just your wage. Start by you making your own choices then you shouldn't feel as trapped and with each step you'll get some agency and independence back and can make bigger plans, to leave if needs be. That approach makes more sense to me than the affair. This is a much bigger issue than sex and meaningless shags might make you feel worse and get you more trapped, with guilt at the very least. Focus on yourself and how you can find happiness beyond a random shag. This may not be with your husband by the sounds of it and there's no shame in accepting that you married young, maybe too soon, and have grown apart.

How come he's the one that chooses if you work or not?

IS it possible that he has suffered some kind of abuse as a child that may affect his sex drive? Men tuck these things away

Ok, I guess we made the choice as a family for me not to return to work after having our 2nd. The job I was doing would not have been feesable with 2 young children especially as husband works away a lot. He earned enough to support us all & pretty much all my wages would have gone on childcare so it made no sense for me to return to work. He wanted me to be at home with the kids, so that’s what I did

Definitely no abuse

Well it's been nearly a year since I posted this and a few things have changed. I've gone back to work and am feeling much happier & more independent again. I began to realise that I felt like I had lost my own identity. It is nice now to me known for me and not just "the kids mum". I'm really enjoying my job & the freedom it's given me. Nothing has changed between me & my husband however. It's been 2 years since we last had any kind of physical relationship. He's not prepared to discuss anything and as far as I can tell, doesn't seem to think there is a problem. My new freedom has meant that I have met someone through work & I am not proud of it, but I am now sleeping with him. I do feel bad & guilty, but not as much as I thought I would. I really care for this new person I am seeing & I have even thought about leaving my husband, not specifically to be with him, but because it has made me realise even more how unhappy I am. Any advice?

Well it’s not ideal but I can see why you’ve ended up in this situation. Yes I think the only option left is to leave your husband. He’s never going to give you what you want or need so how many more years do you live like that? It’s good you have a job now and some independence. I think you have realised yourself that it’s time to start living again. It’s sad for your husband but if he isn’t willing to address the issue, what else can you do?

Leave your husband. Don't cheat on him. He doesn't want a sexual relationship, fair enough. Fair enough that you can't live like that. But end it, split up. Don't cheat. It's not going to help in the long run. It'll cause pain and hurt on all parties.

You aren't compatible as a romantic couple. Separating now may allow you to preserve the friendship.

I'm scared to leave. I don't know what would happen about my children

Bluecurtains11 then seek legal advice. But leaving now is going to be much easier and more amicable than if he divorces you for adultery. Just because he doesn't want a sexual relationship doesn't mean he'll be ok with you cheating.

you need to sort out for divorce proceedings a.s.a.p. this marriage is dead in the water in more ways than one. an affair was always on the cards, can't blame you for that. but your marriage would seem to be well and truly over, i doubt he's going to say 'sleeping with someone else love ? invite him round for a cup of tea' unless he seriously is not at all bothered. it needs resolving for every ones sake.

You need to leave your husband ASAP. You’re being terribly unfair on him by cheating, and unfair on yourself to continue in an unhappy relationship.

I know I'm being really unfair. My husband genuinely seems totally oblivious to the situation in our marriage or he just doesnt care. I have a job which involves 24hour shifts so I'm away overnight. During the whole time at work I never get even 1 text or phone call from him. It's not the sort of job where I can't accept calls & messages. He doesn't tell me anything about how my kids days have gone, nothing. I got called into work in an emergency at 1.00am the other day & he didn't even notice I was gone. No messages the next day or anything. On the other hand, the person I'm seeing is so attentive, he messages me all the time, rings me, takes every opportunity to see me when he can and seems to really care about me & accept me for who I am. I'm not naive, I know that this is probably just a fling & nothing will come of it. He has his own commitments & is a fair amount younger than me but it has just highlighted all the things in my marriage that I am unsatisfied with. If I were to leave, i dont know how I would be able to take my children with me & still be able to work due to the nature of my job. I feel so confused & stuck

If he is a good father and cares for the children could you not consider 50/50? Leaving you and him the opportunity to continue working and see the children equally?

You have to leave him. The marriage is over, and sleeping with another man is only going to complicate things. Stop cheating, leave, and then embark on a new relationship. If this guy is that great he'll wait -though as he's sleeping with a married woman I would presume not , as he is seemingly lacking in moral fibre

Did he say anything about why he hasn’t been intimate with you when you spoke to him about it? There could be a number of reasons: stress with work, issues that are the reason why he’s not being intimate, etc.

Maybe you could start having date nights and get a babysitter? Start from the beginning again where it was just the both of you, and go from there? Plan things that both of you enjoy and where you get a few hours of each other’s company before going back home and being parents again.

Have you thought about seeing a marriage counsellor or a counsellor by yourself? It may open up the conversation that you so desperately want!

Thanks for the replies. I've tried talking to him before but we get nowhere & everything just feels very awkward & nothing changes. He just doesn't seem that bothered. Everything else seems fine. We hardly ever argue, we just dont really do anything together or even talk much. I guess were kind of like flatmates who have kids together. I do still love him, but I certainly don't feel the way I used to about him. I don't think he'd see a counsellor as he doesn't see that there's a problem so no need in his mind. If i left, I'm not expecting the other person to leave his family & be with me. We both have baggage although he isnt married so my moral fibre isn't great either. I guess we've just found something in eachother that we don't get at home.