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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP still seeing his old MIL

58 replies

BubbaFishy · 05/12/2017 09:48

Sorry - bit of a long one to get as much info in as poss.

I've been with my current DP for 6 months now. Get on great, but had our first big falling out on the weekend.

Basically he split up with previous GF about a year and a half ago but has stayed in contact with her mum, meeting up, going for dinner once/twice a month.

Initially I found it a bit odd but he's a sweet guy. Alarm bells started when he said she had text him one evening to say she was in bed and cold and needed someone to warm her up......

I expressed my unhappiness but I'm not the type to tell someone they should stop seeing someone. He needs to make that decision himself. It was left that I didn't want to hear about her.

Just before we met he had a seizure. Then a couple of months later he had another one. One weekend he went a bit cold and said he wanted a weekend to himself which is fair but was a bit sudden.

I confess the following weekend I checked his phone to see if there was more to it. Turns out the ex MIL had been over to cut his hair (not that particular weekend) but he'd told me he had gone to the local barbers. Lie number 1

It's been eating away at me a bit, but I didn't want to bring it up then. Friday night he went to bed early and left his phone in the lounge so I confess I read it again.

A few weekends ago he had told me he was going for leaving drinks for a colleague on the Friday and could I go over Saturday. Turns out he had actually made plans with her. He was then ill so bailed on both of us the whole weekend.

Then he saw her two Fridays on the trot when I was already busy. The first I was oblivious too, but the second one he had used the work colleagues excuse again, at which point I even asked if he was lying as he never socialises with colleagues normally.

We then bumped into her while we were out on Saturday. Fortuitous timing?
He didn't introduce us so I was stood awkwardly smiling at her. I got a cob on at this point. We then kept bumping into them through the day. We were in quite a big city!
A bit later on I said I wasn't stupid and was under no illusion they had been out to which he said he hadn't seen her since August time. So lied to my face about it.

A few hours later we had a calm discussion about it and I owned up to reading his phone so told him I knew he had been lying.

He said he only did it as I said I didn't want to hear about it. He wasn't mad about me reading his phone. He said we should be able to pick up each others without panicking about what we're going to find, and there really was nothing else worth noting when I looked.

AIBU to be annoyed that they are staying in touch or are my own insecurities making it seem a much bigger thing than it really is? My track record of lying men isn't great but I try so hard not to tar everyone with the same brush

Sorry for the massively long post

OP posts:
SeraphinaDombegh · 05/12/2017 10:37

I'd have no issues at all with someone seeing their ex MIL- if it was a normal Mil relationship. This doesn't sound like that.

This, with bells on. He's repeatedly lying to you and binning you off in favour of seeing her. It's not worth the aggro. I'd be ending it if I were you.

MessyBob89 · 05/12/2017 10:41

It's an odd one... could it be that she fancies him and he's too nice to see that the frequency of their meets and the things she's saying crosses a bit of a line?

I think you would feel better if he was totally honest about when and where they were meeting up. The lies would really get me.

inlectorecumbit · 05/12/2017 10:42

Can you take someone else on your trip over NYE
Or sell you share to him and he can take his ex MIL instead!!!

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2017 10:48

OP "That's the comment that really got me" which one.

What does "She's doing OLD herself, but I think there's a bit of desperation there." mean?

"He is quite naive - only had 2 girlfriends, and he's 29!" There is nothing wrong in this. "He is naturally very quiet and withdrawn. This hasn't changed in 6 months." It won't change immediately, do you want him to change?

These are not things you mentioned before, do these bother you?

"We get on really well, and we have done so much in the past 6 months, more than I've done with anyone else." Then tell him what needs to change in your relationship.

"We have a bloody trip booked over NYE which is all prepaid, non-refundable. Such a PITA"

Why not tell him, that the EX MIL needs to be out of his life because you find this too much. You will go on the trip together and see how it goes from there. But if he doesn't want to take you why not let the EX MIL buy out your place and they admit there is more to their relationship than it appears at first.

Also, the lying, he needs to stop. Lying kills love. It just does.

Basically, IMHO, if you want to stay, stay, but if you want the relationship to end with ex MIL, just say, it's her or me. If he honestly chooses her, good riddance. If he wants you, he has to fight for you.

BadTasteFlump · 05/12/2017 10:49

Sorry OP missed your last message - but the fact that you've booked a trip doesn't mean you should put up with this crap. Invite somebody else to go with you - or sell him your ticket to give to his 'ex MIL' - then he can keep her warm himself

teaortequila23 · 05/12/2017 10:50

Omg his poor ex he’s shagging her mum!

Don’t waste another day with this weirdo.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/12/2017 10:52

Drop this waste of time, ask him to buy your share of the ticket.
I too imagine he is still her guarantor.
There are some really nice men out there, and there is one for you, it definitely isn't him.

QueenThisTime · 05/12/2017 10:54

Ugh just get rid. It sounds very much like there's something going on - flirting and inappropriate boundary crossing at the very least. He''s lied to you to make plans with her. She's texted him about wanting to be warmed up in bed (vom!). Whether she's his exMIL or any other woman, he's in a relationship and that's extremely worrying. You've been with him 6 months - just cut your losses!

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 10:54

The thing is, he can see and talk to and visit who he likes. It's not for you to say who his friends should be or when he sees them.

But apart from all that, you're only together a few months and he's telling lies and you are snooping in his phone and you're arguing about another woman....is this the kind of realtiionship you want to be in?

Original poster
BubbaFishy · 05/12/2017 10:55

@Italiangreyhound - sorry, the comment about the bed warming was the one that got me.

I don't want him to change. Just trying to state his personality hasn't changed at all whereas some people become quite different. (Sorry, not being arsey)

Honestly, thank you all for your responses! I'm a bit of a lurker so know that AIBU can sometimes be quite tough love. I definitely need to think on this

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 05/12/2017 10:55

Nope. Not right. Sure, keep in touch if they were friends, but once or twice a month? That’s ripping the piss. Does he have no other friends? What does the ex say about all this?

It might have felt ok if it were occasional, and without the “warm me up” text, but this is too much. I will say you will always risk the underhanded stuff if you say you have a problem with something but aren’t prepared to give an ultimatum or do a deal. In an ideal world you’d say “I wish you wouldn’t see her” and he will say “ok darling I’ll stop”. But it is far more likely he will carry on, just not tell you about it. Much better to have the discussion and come to a compromise. So, ask him to see her less, of for you to see her together or something.

But not with this woman. That’s just freaky.

MaisyPops · 05/12/2017 10:58

I'd have no issues at all with someone seeing their ex MIL- if it was a normal Mil relationship. This doesn't sound like that
This ^^

I was ready to be all 'the relationshio ended between him and his ex. You can't complain about his contact eitj people who were like family to him'... then i read the posts and it's all a bit eeeeewww.

Sounds to me like he is either sleeping with her or is about to. I wouldn't trust that he isn't guarantor on her mortgage either.

Leave OP. You don't need this 6 months in.

Hogtini · 05/12/2017 11:01

His relationship with the ex MIL is all kinds of weird.

thatcatpidgeon · 05/12/2017 11:02

Whoa! Came on here to say there is nothing weird about staying in touch with ex-PIL's who became friends (I will be seeing the parents of my long term ex over Christmas - their son and I were together for 7 years in the 90's and he and his family are like extra family to me and my partner and kids).

HOWEVER - 'someone to warm her bed up' - that is super weird and inappropriate - regardless of when she said it it tells you everything you need to know about how she feels about him. Plus the lying by omission, that is still lying. I would hazard a guess he is shagging her. Just eww. I'd LTB & see if you can on your NYE trip with someone else? He sounds a bit 'confused' a proper weirdo

NotAPuffin · 05/12/2017 11:04

In fairness to him, he was lying because you told him you didn't want to hear about her. You put him in a difficult position, you can't really complain about how he handled it.

Percephone · 05/12/2017 11:04

Highly likely he is still guarantor on her mortgage.
Run for the hills!

diddl · 05/12/2017 11:04

"Alarm bells started when he said she had text him one evening to say she was in bed and cold and needed someone to warm her up......"

Do you think he was asking how he should deal with it?

Anyway, he should know the best thing would be to back away, shouldn't he?

Nikephorus · 05/12/2017 11:08

Thing is, if OP has told him that she doesn't want to hear about her, he either lies or pisses her off (or gives up a friend, because although she's ex-MIL she's a friend now). He's trying not to piss her off. If he'd said he was just seeing a friend (instead of the work colleague) then yes he'd not be lying as such but most people would still see it as such because he's not saying it's her. So he can't win.

MaisyPops · 05/12/2017 11:11

diddl
I could see it if the text was something lile 'argh im cold in bed and need someone to warm.me up. Where's David from OLD when I need him?'
It's a bit weird but i could see that being a daft in joke.
Otherwise it's just odd.

So he can't win.
He can win by having a reasonable and friendly relationship with his former MIL which doesn't cross boundaries.

SoupDragon · 05/12/2017 11:15

if OP has told him that she doesn't want to hear about her, he either lies or pisses her off

I agree with this.

However, the other stuff seems to be a whole string of red flag bunting.

At the end of the day, even if there is actually nothing going on, if the OP can't cope with the friendship then she should leave.

Original poster
BubbaFishy · 05/12/2017 11:16

@NotAPuffin & @Nikephorus - Yep! This is exactly how he justified it, and I get that. He was in a bit of an awkward situation.

He doesn't see many people (quiet, withdrawn) and his best friend is female (no issues there) and his other friends are her brothers. That's about as far as his friendship circle extends

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 05/12/2017 11:16

I’d be dumping his sorry ass. He is a liar. You know he is a liar. Liars don’t stop with the deception, they just get better at hiding the truth.
He will only keep on hurting you.

user9217 · 05/12/2017 11:19

If the bed warming comment text cane from any other person (female in this instance) it would totally not be ok. It's still not ok just because she is the ex mil. It's not something you send to anyone other than a partner really. Too weird. I would've had my bags packed after reading that text.

Not ex mil - it's ex milf

Pearlsaringer · 05/12/2017 11:47

I’m going a bit against the grain here, I think from your later post he comes across as clueless rather than deliberately deceitful. You said you didn’t want to know about his contact with MIL so he dealt with this by inventing cover stories. The MIL is another matter. Let’s be kind and remember that she sent That Text when he was single, but he isn’t now. The relationship is not platonic at least on her side and he needs to end it so she can move on.

PoppyFleur · 05/12/2017 12:02

There are times when relationships can be hard work but the early months should not be; they should be fun, happy and enjoyable times when you get to know each other.

This relationship sounds like hard work and requires far too much head space. Maybe some time apart is what you both need, see if you miss each other and have the will to get your relationship back on track. Otherwise, walk away, 6 months is a long enough investment in something that isn't making you happy.