Ungrateful BIL and Secret Santa

[Mymycherrypie]

I've picked my BILs new GF in the secret santa. It's his first serious gf. At first I was really pleased about this because she's really nice, we are very similar and share a particular fandom. So I thought, great, there are so many things I can get her!

I asked him about a couple of things - one was tickets to see a show about this fandom that I thought they'd both like as he's taking her to something else related and it's on a similar vein but has a different element. No apparently that's a shit idea, it's rubbish, who would want to go to that (his gf would but because I've suggested it, it's shit)

I suggested a few other things that she might like and everything has been no.

Fine. Try something else. The next was a commemorative silver piece that wasn't expensive but it was really really cool, and only available from one place so small but special to someone in to this particular thing. He didn't know what it was when I asked. I explained. He said no, that's also shit, she'd hate that, wtf use does that have, (it's a practical household item by the way) it's a waste, totally rubbish. I said it's a bit more personal than some generic shower gel set and it would only be part of the present and as she liked xxx thing it might be nice. More disdain from him and I was told that at least a shower gel set would get used (So naive, I never use mine, I donate them to charity) When I say these things were cheap, they'd be even less than 5% of our secret santa budget.

He's been so rude and ungrateful and unwilling to think outside the box and look at imaginative presents as a complement to a bigger more generic thing. At this point I'm just going to get her a shower gel set and when she looks disappointed, say oh - that's what BIL suggested as it's useful. AIBU

[SD1978]

You seem to get her interests- bollocks to the BIL. The ideas are very thoughtful, and I’m sure she’ll love whatever you choose. Stop trying to get him inside because he’s being an arse.

[RebootYourEngine]

My first thought when reading your OP was like PPs and that he could be saying they are rubbish so he can buy them for her.

[He11y]

You don’t want to embarrass her with a thoughtful gift related to something you know she likes, but you’re happy to buy her shower gel and then tell her in front of everyone how rubbish her boyfriend is...? Because that won’t cause a scene!

For a start, it would still be your choice of gift for her and you who had decided to buy her shower gel, being the free thinking adult you are, so it would be out of order for you to pass the buck to your brother. You’d be using her to settle a score with him and that’s pretty horrible to be honest.

Stop overthinking it - you know what she’ll like - it’s got nothing to do with him!

Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s bought her everything you suggested however - be aware of that potential issue!

[MillennialFalcon]

It's a shame he's being a killjoy but since you think she would like the idea and he's just being negative because you suggested it, get it anyway. I can understand asking him to make sure you got it right but since he is obviously being unhelpful make the decision yourself. What would be more awkward, something chosen with thought that doesn't turn out to be quite right or a passive aggressive present intended as a dig at your BIL? Just go with your original instincts.

[42andcounting]

Get her whatever you thinkn she'd like.

Find out who's buying for him, and insist that they buy him shower gel

[TitaniasCloset]

Get her the tickets and go to the show with her. Ignore him he sounds clueless and very rude.

[Killerfiller]

We do discuss with partners what each other would like, my DH has spoken to my other SIL about what I want.

Why do the women in your family need men to represent them and negotiate on their behalf. It's secret santa not secret brexit

[Mymycherrypie]

It's not always women, last year I had my other BIL and spoke to his husband about what he would like.

And I wasn't going to try and be nasty by passing the buck to BIL if I did buy (what I consider to be) a boring present on his recommendation. I was considering that perhaps he does know her well and that's exactly what she wants and I might be being unreasonable. Which is why I'm here!

[StormTreader]

Hes thinking about what would be nice for HIM - thats why hes saying "dont get tickets to a show I wont like".

Just get her what you think she would like.

[Iwantamarshmallow]

your bil sounds like a dick. get her the tickets and when she loves them say bil wanted me to get you shower gel and laugh

[FireCracker2]

My first thought was that he's going to dump her

[5foot5]

My goodness what a horrible and rude person your BIL must be!

Even if he genuinely thought she wouldn't like the gifts you suggested he could have said something like "Oh thanks but I am not sure that she would be particularly interested in that". To dismiss the suggestion as shit and a rubbish idea is massively ungrateful.

And FWIW I think they sound like excellent ideas.

[Mymycherrypie]

I know. As he was talking I just let thinking that the poor thing is going out with someone who thinks everything she likes is shit.

I do wonder if it will last but for now, I've decided on a few other things and one thing that's fandom related. The Amazon wish list idea is inspired!