Can't seem to discipline my daughter!

[TinHat17]

I'm at my wits end and would really be grateful for some advice.

I'm sure this topic is best placed elsewhere, but I'm looking for a broad range of advice and perhaps some tough love for myself.

I have three children 8, 10 and 14. The middle child (my daughter) is the one who I'm struggling with.

Very long story short. I left their dad 4 yrs ago after 17 years in an emotionally abusive relationship.

The kids were happier the moment I left. It's taken some work and hardship, but on the whole, we are better than we've ever been. I'm working, we have a lovely home and good family and friends around us.
They still maintain a relationship with their dad on an every other weekend basis.

My daughter has always been hot headed from a toddler. I have always been firm. However, she has never responded to discipline in the way my sons have. The two boys have never pushed me to my limit. They learn from their bad behaviour etc. My daughter doesn't.

She will argue back, stamp her feet, slam doors, is very selfish and will sometimes scare her younger brother.

Things I've tried

1- tell her off, warning, time out

2- speak calmly but firm, explain why I won't tolerate her behaviour and make her aware of her impact on others

3 - confiscate items

4 - ignore her until she apologises

I have been consistent with each form of discipline for a long period before trying something else.

She's had counselling, I've worked with her to overcome her anxiety (which has improved), I've been there for her emotionally as every parent should after issues with her dad. I feel I have done everything I can to ensure she isn't too emotionally damaged from mine and her dads break up.

She claims she is happier now, she has a good bond with my partner (It was a gradual introduction not forced), she said she loves homelife etc.

I don't understand then, why she is so badly behaved out of the three?!

Her teacher thinks she is as good as gold, my parents never witness this side of her. Why does she only behave like this for me?

I wonder if I need to get tougher. But if I'm honest, she spent years in an environment watching her dad verbally abusing me and shouting. I don't want to shout at her or loose it as I wanted to create a calming household when we left him. Plus, I feel guilty that I allowed my kids to witness their dads behaviour because I was too weak to leave him.

My partner has full custody of his son. So he knows first hand how tough it can be. But he has observed that I'm too soft on her. He has been nothing but supportive and has been a positive influence in our lives. We don't live together as we want to wait until our children are older. But we do spend a lot of family time together.

He never interferes or tells me how to parent, but does advise me.

My daughter is now back chatting him. I can't believe how rude she is.

I'm worried that as she approaches puberty, if I don't nail it now, she will be a nightmare to rein in.

I love her, but I don't enjoy being around her (I hope I don't give off that vibe as I always try to be positive - but it's forced) I feel guilty feeling that way

Sorry it's long. Just wanted to add all the relevant info.

Please help!

Google Therapeutic Parenting, or join the Therapeutic Parenting fb group.

Thank you to the posters who have highlighted PDA. TBH, I'd never heard of it, but after looking it up, it appears that she ticks every box!

I'm going to book her an appointment at the GP.

Really appreciate your advice

If you have a look at the PDA society website there's loads of info there. Somewhere there is an extreme avoidance questionnaire. It might help if you have some information with you (GPs often don't know much about ASD, let along PDA).
There are also resources on the website to help you find strategies that work. In the teachers resource section there's a mind map, which is easily adaptable to home, we found that very helpful.
There are also loads of FB support pages, which can be very helpful for day to day support and finding out how,others manage.

I think you need to concentrate on pointing out her good points rather than getting harsher. Even if you don’t compare the children outwardly she will know she’s thought of as the naughty one by you.
If you want them to tidy their rooms then choose your time. If you are planning a trip to the park and dd really wants to go then tell them you will leave once they’ve tidied their rooms.
Lots of kids find losing games difficult. Try some co-operative board games where you all work together. Or talk about being a good winner (not gloating) and a good loser (congratulating the winner) and point out when the children are being good sports.

I’m sorry to hear about the problems with your daughter. She sounds like my son - even to the point of being well behaved in school. He was recently diagnosed with high functioning aspergers traits - struggles to see the shades of grey so is prone to arguing and talking back. Counselling on this has helped a lot. Also, google infant reflexes not going dormant - this can result in a child being under more stress and increased chance of acting up because of it. Good luck.

Hi there, you said you were interested in books. Some more that may help are How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk), and Siblings without Rivalry. Good luck.

I second both those books!

against her personality and size he feels vulnerable.

May be best to separate them at tense times. Don't ask her to tidy her room when her brother is nearby. Send him off to do his room first, then talk to her.

Ignoring bad behaviour is a good strategy but "ignore til she apologises" is not the best way to do it. Proper ignoring (the sort I got taught at parenting class for my DS who has an interesting mix of PDA and ASC traits) means not reacting to the bad behaviour at all and it also means responding positively to any good or ordinary behaviour at the same time. So if you ask an awkward teen to tidy her room and she huffs and flounces and snarls for half an hour before tidying it then you ignore all the huffing and flouncing and snarling for as long as it takes and you just say "what a lovely tidy room" when the job is done. You can't do "ignoring" for dangerous behaviour like physical aggression but ignoring is fine for rudeness etc. So you need to made a decision to match the discipline strategy to the behaviour and be consistent in that way, it's not just one discipline technique for all kinds of misbehaviour.

One difference between demands at home and demands at school is that school is more structured. Demands to do things don't come out of the blue, they are usually signalled well in advance with plenty of warning or they are part of a routine (the bell rings so you go outside, the teacher always sets homework at the end of the lesson, etc). Things are a lot more random at home. And some kids are just not good at random requests, especially kids who are tense and nervy (or PDA-ish) which is how your DD sounds. One trick that works for my son is simply to give him time. I never tell him to do anything right now. If something needs doing I would say "your room needs to be tidied, can you do it when your game is finished / before supper / tomorrow?" or even "will you do it now or in 10 minutes?" Once DS has agreed to do it before supper he usually responds OK to a reminder at the time, though children vary on this. And don't forget to notice and compliment her when the job is done.

And I also support the various book recommendations you've had so far. "Explosive Child" is very good for kids who are PDA-ish though it doesn't depend on any specific diagnosis.

Sometimes family therapy can be helpful. It isn't always about an individual, but about how the whole family interacts together. It can be particularly useful where a child is well behaved with other people, so it means there may be an issue with the family dynamic.

Also being honest, being the middle child, the only girl, and having a younger brother with SEN, and having witnessed DV in the past; sounds a really hard situation to deal with.

And as I said before, some of the behavior you describe is fairly normal for children of this age - such as wanting to win and not being able to cope with losing.