AIBU for being angry that DS school gave him dairy and most probably gluten

[newsparklylife]

DS is 14, in year 9 at secondary school. He can't have gluten or dairy. He isn't coeliac but his actual diagnoses is 'non coeliac gluten intolerance, dairy intolerance and IBS' . This isn't something i've come up with it is an actual diagnoses from a paediatric gastroenterologist.

Earlier this year we qualified for free school meals, spoke to the school whether it was practical for them to provide food for DS and they were very positive they could. DS was delighted and had dinner every day, then he started getting tummy aches, and diarrhoea and a few times I've had to collect him from school due to the severity. He knows when this has been caused by something he's eaten rather than a bug.

He sent me a photo of a pasty delighted that the school had got him one, I check the website of the company and find it has dairy in it. Then he has another meal that he insists he can taste dairy in (had to collect him that day he was doubled over in pain).

After many emails to his tutor and the kitchen manager it is agreed that yes the pasty does have dairy in, they won't give me ingredients for the other meals DS insists had either dairy or gluten in.

I'm angry, DS has had to come home from school, he's been really unwell on the days I've had to collect him and I feel the kitchen aren't actually getting the severity of what they've done.

They've now said they can offer him a sandwich, pasta or jacket potato every day. DS now too frightened to eat anything from them so currently won't eat anything prepared in the school kitchen as he is worried he'll have to come home and his attendance will be affected (which incidentally isn't bad he's just obsessed with (ADHD issues))

Would you take it further and make a fuss? I sway between wanting to create a shit storm and just wanting to leave it as don't think I'll get anywhere!

I don't get the pp saying he should check. He has asked short of calling them liars what else can he do? I used to work in school dinners and we had 2 severely allergic children. The cook went through every item on the menu with the parents so we all knew exactly what they could have. We got a new cook and I told her X can't have school gravy so we use some provided by his mum, she said "oh he'll be fine it's too much trouble". I reported it to our head office and she had extra training. I left soon after but it worried me that she didn't seem concerned that this kid could die. I would complain strongly in your position.

"I don't get the pp saying he should check. He has asked short of calling them liars what else can he do?"

Like you say, some people are very naive. If it concerns your own health, it's better to check and be pita, than die, or risk horrible experience. That's all I am saying.

Please make a huge fuss! my DS has a very serious allergy, he could die if given the wrong food, I think every chance should be taken to impress upon people how serious this is

We have no expectations appropriate food will be provided, but lying about the capacity to cater is really dangerous and totally unacceptable

If my DS is told there is a doubt about the ingredients he won't take the risk, but by lying to him they take that choice away and endanger his life (this has happened to us more than once!)

I would take it further. They lied about being able to meet his needs and caused him severe distress on several occasions, and you having to collect him. This sloppy attitude could hospitalise another child, potentially kill them. You are not over-reacting, and he is aware of the dangers which is why he is now suspicious. It’s completely unacceptable and the school should back you.

Irvine, what are you talking about? What do you want him to do, age 14, in the school environment? Ask them, not believe their answer, and then barge into the kitchen to attempt to find any packaging (if indeed there is any) to check it himself? Seriously - could you please set out what you think he should do?

We have multiple allergies in our household, at touch level. Both my kids are trained to double-check, and if they're at all worried they can ask people to phone me before they touch/eat the stuff in question. But surely you recognise there's a limit to how much questioning anyone can do before they just have to either accept what catering staff are saying, or walk away from their lunch.

Just because the foodstuff was a pasty doesn't mean he should have guessed it wasn't gluten/dairy free - there's gluten-free vegan pastry available in many supermarkets now.

OP - I would raise hell over this (and I think their non-disclosure of ingredients of other meals is particularly unimpressive). I've heard similar stories at our school, which is why my DC always have packed lunch - I think the combination of bought-in food and possibly not very up-to-speed school staff preparing it is a "too many cooks" scenario!

However, you should be entitled to access decent, safe, free school meals for him - the notion that the best they can do is literally a potato with some margarine on, or some pasta on its own, is absolutely pathetic.

@MinorRSole

When I pointed out he couldn't have flour she said "I thought it was gluten he couldn't have"

...and people are surprised when I ask to speak to catering staff direct if my DC are going somewhere where food is provided! Quotes like that give me the fear!

I personally wouldn’t trust them further and demand they hand over the free school meal funding to you so you can offer a packed lunch. Schools can do it for kids with allergies if you push hard enough.

This really hacks me off. I vote massive fuss, and what do you mean, they won't tell you the ingredients?? They fecking well have to!!

I get this all the time, people assume it's a fad, or fussiness, and ignore it, then I'm ill for weeks.

Mention the law on allergens and duty of care. Then go higher than them. Kitchen manager is negligent, IMO.

YADNBU

@davidbyrneswhitesuit the woman was affronted when I questioned her knowledge - seems she was looking for gluten as an ingredient having already assured the school she was fully equipped to deal with food allergies! I dug a little deeper before I washed my hands of them, her level of ignorance was shocking!

@MinorRSole 😤

My dd is coeliac and at times dairy/ lactose intolerant (depending on whether she has recently ingested gluten and had the lacti in her stomach destroyed) it is so frustrating. My dd has similar reactions if she ingests gluten and is physically unwell, in pain and weak for days after. We are lucky, as we have been sent a document detailing all of the dishes that are gluten/ dairy free, meaning we can decide whether to give her a packed lunch or she can have school meals that day. The school are good, we can put in burgers and rolls and they will cook them separately for her.

Unfortunately, it seems the only foolproof way of protecting our children with allergies, is to send them in with a packed lunch. At the first school our daughter attended, they refused to even consider catering for her food issues via school meals. So my dd does enjoy the novelty of having school dinners, but tbh there are really only a couple of options available, so she does get fed up with them.

I would definitely complain! If your ds had a deadly nut allergy, they would make sure that he never once touched a nut. It must be so embarrassing for your poor ds! We find that accidental ingestion can also happen if there is flour in the vicinity, or if a dinner lady passes flaky pastry over dd's plate as she is being served. Other children eating anything floury/ pastry/ crumbly next to dd can also make her poorly. As you say, you can usually find the cause when you look closely. We are lucky as our dd's dairy issues surround lactose, which when within say a pastry, the heating process would mean her stomach could tolerate it. This doesn't always work, especially if her stomach lining has been damaged by gluten.

Do you have to keep your ds off for 48 hours after every diarrhoea episode? I would make the school aware if they are the cause of your ds losing important time at school.

I have basically the same as your son but i struggle with fruit and veg too (my diet is crap!). Unless you are close to someone who suffers like this, or have it yourself, I don't think you realise how totally soul destroying it is knowing that the next thing you eat will probably make you so poorly you can't stand up.

School need to take this seriously. If they cannot manage his dietary needs (I don't know why this would be the case though...) they need to say so and not try to wing it.

Poor little sod. I feel for him.

I don't trust the school or Lea with school meals. Mine take pack lunch. Shouldn't have to be not worth worry or side effects

PS OP - if they're not even managing to get the basic ingredients right, I really wouldn't trust them to manage the issue of cross-contamination effectively at all....and with that, you'll really never know for certain.....

YANBU

they certainly should be able to tell you and him accurately what foods are safe for him. It’s not acceptable that they lied to him

It’s not a faddy diet, it’s medically diagnosed, and you checked that they could cater for him. You and he have done nothing wrong.

YANBU. I fact, you sound very reasonable.

I think you should complain. It makes no difference if the staff are employed by contractors or directly by the school or LEA, the school or LEA has overall responsibility for the children in their care.

In terms of restoring your son's confidence in school food, an apology and assurance that staff will be retrained so they know what their doing may help.

And I'm struck dumb by the caterer who didn't know that flour generally contains gluten.

davidbyrnes, my ds won't consume anything outside including school lunches/ party food/ hospital food, etc. We are planning to send his food to the venue prior to residential trip as well. Like I said, I don't trust anyone but me and my dh. Not even my mum.

Thank you, his tutor has offered me a meeting with herself, DS and the catering manager. I'm assuming from her insistence in emailing me she realises that there has been a grave error!

DS didn't want to question the kitchen staff as he thought it rude as the meal they gave him was named for him so he shouldn't ask them if they got it right. He's very aware of what he can and can't have (been like this since birth, diagnosed officially at 3 years old so effectively knows no difference).

We don't qualify for FSM anymore so packed lunch is the way to go as I don't trust them but DS doesn't have a great track record of him actually eating it whereas he eats a hot meal.

Ah, I understand, *Irvine" - so it's not that he should check, but really that he probably shouldn't trust school lunches full stop.

I get that - while mine don't have IgE responses, which must be absolutely terrifying, the last cock-up with one of my DC left them ill for about a month, with two hospital admissions.

We took the home food only approach in the past for several years when one of my DC was stabilising after being very ill for a long time pre-diagnosis. And like you, I still wouldn't go anywhere near school food/hospital food/party food (unless party is small and organised by someone really sensible I know really well, and then I check ingredients alongside them).

For what it's worth, we are starting to open up a little and try to be a little more trusting, ONLY where we can establish that people really get it. We've personally found it helps her independence and lessens the feelings of being different (but she had huge anxiety until recently, so it came v gradually).

However, I do appreciate it's very, very different when you're dealing with anaphylaxis. It's an incredibly hard balance to strike as a parent - I found it really anxious-making and isolating. to everyone on here dealing with these situations.