MIL angry my DH is spending Christmas with my family.

[Tiredeypops]

Last year me and DH went to his family's for Christmas. I had felt welcome at the time. We have been married for 2 years. This year is the first time we are spending Christmas at my family's. We will see his MIL in early Jan (all we can do work permitting as she is a 7 hour trip away). She got very angry when she was told (6 weeks before Christmas) and said that he 'doesn't have another family'. I make a real effort and thought we got on fine but now I am not sure. AIBU to be really pissed off by this? Can someone please explain her thought process?

Another one endorsing the ‘Just us’ Christmas. We’ve been at home, sometimes with ILs visiting, for 7 years now. Though this year we’re going to theirs as a) we haven’t been all year b) the bank holidays work in our favour and c) gmil fed last Boxing Day so I expect mil to be feeling odd...

Honestly, make your own traditions. It’s great.

Just reiterate your invitation for her to come to you explaining that it is your parents' turn to have two of you for Christmas.

My brother simply invited his MIL and SIL to stay with my DM inc his DW, his DD and DS.
So it was a houseful! Lots of air mattresses!But lots of fun!!! And so many memories.
If you can, I would recommend it.
We tried to do the same many years later (I am lots younger than my DB) but my PIL both died so , sadly, it never happened.

It’s just another day. It’s a roast on a Monday. I don’t get the angst. My DC will be enjoying Christmas with their partners. I will have a lovely stress free day with DH. Everyone’s happy.

I'd be really, really careful about alternating, even. Because once you have kids, then that alternating pattern will be used to create absolute hell if you don't agree to continue it so she sees them every other year, and you'll never get to create your own traditions. I'd think about making it alternated with a year at home just the two of you, so that isn't some brand new and hideous concept to her. As the stakes tend to rise anyway when a baby arrives I would want to try to reduce potential flashpoints as much as possible.

She's being incredibly selfish. She's expecting your parents to be without their child every year, or her child to be without his spouse, so she can have all three adult kids under her roof, come what may. Nobody's needs or even preferences count. That's not okay. It's also really self-defeating, because she's making you feel unwelcome now. And MIL rarely end up with more closeness to their child and their families when they initiate competitions for affection like this.

He does have another family. It was created when he said I Do at the latest, and probably before. The two of you are a family, too.

My DC will be enjoying Christmas with their partners. I will have a lovely stress free day with DH. Everyone’s happy.

And that attitude will ensure the partners are really fond of you and like spending time in your company - win win all round, absolutely.

Will say while the PIL sadly never made it, we have had hosted Christmas for the extended family for many years. I love it.
Sometimes it's a houseful. Sometimes some stay locally so less air mattresses.
It's falling off in numbers now as my DF has also died and my aunt.
So when my DD have spouses and children I will host as often and as many as I can.
And travel to fit in with any invitations offered as I know travel is hard when juggling children and bank holidays.

We had been married 10 yrs when DHs brother got engaged; at a pre - Xmas meal his fiancée gave me the serious side eye when she announced to the table the they planned to always take turns with their respective families at Christmas.

We have always done our own thing with no arrangement to alternate or suchlike, but I smiled and in my head thought 'whatever, it's your funeral love'.

A few years into their married life this hasn't happened at all and it's only because my MIL is kind that it hasn't been chucked back at her and a fuss not made. Don't commit to stuff you might not want to do for the sake of making a point or 'equity', do what you feel any given year.

Don’t let her make you feel guilty that nobody else wants to spend time with her. If she has a shitty attitude with everyone else it’s hardly surprising that she is looking forward to being lonely this Christmas.

Really can't work out how some people fail to realise that things like Christmas have to change as their children grow up and start their own families.

I was once at PiLs for Christmas when my parents were on their own. My SiL (dh's sister who is single and has spent two weeks every Christmas at her parent's house) was shocked and appalled with my brother and I that we had not co-coordinated our plans so that one of us was with them. I explained that as my brother's wife is from a large family that now cannot physically gather in one house for Christmas, organising Christmas is not as simple as simply alternating and sometimes it just happens that way and my parents were fine with it, enjoyed it even, and fully expected it. She simply could not get her head around it and I was sternly told that she would not countenance her parents being left alone at Christmas. I am dreading the day she decides she wants to spend Christmas with a partner as it will be me in the firing line if I want to see my family.

My MiL has just told us she doesn't want to spend Christmas with us. I'm coming to the conclusion Christmas should be spent alone in a cave on a mountain.

FizzyGreenWater is right, its the idea that she is still the parent and he is the child. You were a new 'child' in the family, but she is still the grown up who decides how things like Christmas is done. (Its the mindset that your DCs don't live elsewhere as adults but "working away from home"). Its strange that a marriage didnt make her make the mental shift. Did you spent Christmas separately before you married?

It's definitely something to savour.

We are now entirely grateful that we both come from the kind of families that makes you grateful for caves on mountain tops.

We get to plan great extravagant wastes of nothingness, fill them up with cooking, loud music, silly films, last minute decisions to go for a walk with flasks of coffee and hot chocolate in the boot on our return, more cooking, music, playing cards, simply slobbing, doing up the house a bit, maybe not, and whatever else takes our fancy.

We are almost dismayed that after 15 years radio silence StonerSIL has made contact! That means we get to beard the Lions in Their Den, though we fully expect PoisonousSIL to come up with a perfectly mad excuse good reason why this won't be possible

I agree that there is probably an element of us still being children in her mind. I am the youngest in my family so my parents have all come to terms with their offspring being away for the holidays. DH is the oldest so still has siblings at uni

We had been together for 4 years (married for 2) and spent first married Christmas apart (work schedules) at respective parents houses. Maybe that was the mistake. But last year we were both with her so it shouldn't be a surprise now. I think I just need to ignore it and leave her to stew. Luckily DH is supportive. Would just be nice to feel a bit more welcome - her attitude is putting me off going back next year so I won't be comitting to anything yet!

So before you married, you spent Christmas apart, then continued to spend christmas apart (so he went home), and last year the 'change' was you go too. I think it's the decision to have not been together at christmas before marriage as well that's delayed her realising the level of 'change' she should expect.

Also makes sense that your DH still has siblings who are in the 'child' role in full time education with "home" being her house, not their own places.

Hopefully she'll come round when she realises he has really grown up. It's a shame your DH left it so late (and November is late to start this sort of conversation, should be done in the summer when she's not got the idea of Christmas in her head yet).