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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL angry my DH is spending Christmas with my family.

66 replies

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:08

Last year me and DH went to his family's for Christmas. I had felt welcome at the time. We have been married for 2 years. This year is the first time we are spending Christmas at my family's. We will see his MIL in early Jan (all we can do work permitting as she is a 7 hour trip away). She got very angry when she was told (6 weeks before Christmas) and said that he 'doesn't have another family'. I make a real effort and thought we got on fine but now I am not sure. AIBU to be really pissed off by this? Can someone please explain her thought process?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/12/2017 17:37

Ideally your DH needs to plainly tell her that "He Singular" is now "He Married" and he has in laws, just as she has/d, and he fully intends to spend time with his wife and in laws, just as his wife spends time with him and hers.

Of course he should have done it sooner, maybe he had an inkling of how she would respond.

OMGtwins · 03/12/2017 17:40

OP, given your comment about him putting this off, watch out for your DH not being able to stand up to his Mum generally. It might not be the case, but if it is, start tackling it with him now. An MIL problem is not as bad as a DH problem... There have been loads of threads on here about MILs who dominate their sons and wives/children that always come second.

MrsKoala · 03/12/2017 17:43

When i was first with ExH we alternated xmas and ExHs parents properly saw their arse on the year that it was my parents turn. We had sad cop, bad cop phone calls where Mil would cry about missing exH and xmas being about "FAMILY' and then would get to sad to talk so FIL would come on the phone and rage at what we I had done to MIL. Then he'd get 'too angry' to talk and pass the phone to MIL....

I asked them genuinely why my parents weren't our family air they were but they were just wrapped up in their own misery. They honestly felt treated badly and had thought of every excuse why my parents didn't deserve us attending or why me and ExH shouldn't spend it together. (the journey from theirs to ours was so much harder from ours to theirs too and we should visit them way more often than they see us etc)

SandyY2K · 03/12/2017 17:43

I'd ignore her.

She'll get used to you alternating. It's a shame she doesn't recognise that your family is his family too now.

Hopefully he put her right on that one.

BewareOfDragons · 03/12/2017 17:43

How many Christmases did she spend at her inlaws, I wonder.
Did she alternate Christmases?
Or did she insist on spending Christmas in her own home and people could come to her?

I think sometimes people who spent the last couple of decades thinking they call all the shots at Christmas need to get a grip. Circumstances change, children get married, and new traditions are started. They have other people to think about, and their own new families to think about.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 03/12/2017 17:47

I actually think telling her only six weeks before Christmas is quite short notice

It's not short notice at all. 1 week is short notice.

SenecaFalls · 03/12/2017 17:49

You need to set it in a cycle of three so that you have a third Christmas where you get to do something just the two of you.

Or make a policy that you will spend Christmas in your own home every year. DH and I did this and in 30 plus years we have never travelled for Christmas. We often invited our parents to come to us, and after my mother and MIL were widowed, they often both came.

Like you, we both had jobs that made year-end travel a hassle. So we just didn't do it.

But you are certainly not being unreasonable. I also don't think 6 weeks is short notice.

Original poster

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:49

DH is very on my side but his idea is 'if she's upset she can get over it' which probably isn't helpful for good family relationships long-term. I will just be very nice and polite and hope she calms down and the reactions don't become a pattern.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 03/12/2017 17:49

She's jealous.

The trouble with the going back to parents for Christmas thing is that it perpetuates the notion that you're still 'the kids'. Kind of like students being away at Uni and coming 'home' for the hols.

Your DH should talk to her about this and remind her to think ahead before she burns her boats. He's an adult. He's married. Yes he damn well does have another family and his life with you is 'home' and his primary family unit. If she is hostile towards that and insults his wife as a result, then she's quickly going to find both him and you not wanting to visit at Christmas or any other time. Tell him to point out to her that if she's so keen to see his wife as 'not family' then he'll presume she will feel the same way about her kids? Yes that's right, your kids will be her grandkids. Umm, if she wants to be part of that, she'd better get used to the idea that you are indeed very much family!!

This should resolve itself as long as one thing happens. Your DH makes it crystal clear where his loyalties lie. As long as that's in place, she'll know where she stands.

I'd also advise a third Christmas at home. Your home. Just to cement the idea that YOU TWO are also a primary family unit. And if I were you, when you have your own babies, make that the norm.

BewareOfDragons · 03/12/2017 17:50

It is not short notice.

Her son is grown up and married. He has other obligations and 'wants', which he's perfectly entitled to have and cater to. MIL needs to get a grip.

She should never have assumed or expected they'd be coming to hers, especially since they spent last Christmas with her. If she'd wanted to know, she could have asked.

Original poster

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:50

Beware of dragons that thought had definitely crossed my mind also. Think they just stayed at home and family had to come to them...

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:52

The other reason for the 6 weeks is that I was awaiting a work rota - if we had had more days off we would have tried to divide the time but that wasn't possible in the end. Not sure now why I was so willing to spend half my time travelling across the country to visit people if I wasn't considered family tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredeypops · 03/12/2017 17:54

I'm also coming round to the idea of the 'just us christmas'. Some very convincing arguments are being made and with work schedules this may have to happen sooner rather than later.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/12/2017 17:57

DH is very on my side but his idea is 'if she's upset she can get over it' which probably isn't helpful for good family relationships long-term. Then listen to him. He grew up with her and has learned his own coping mechanisms.

My DH delights in reminding me that is was my own fault he ended up back in the ever loving arms of his family for a decade or so. Sadly they are so bloody dysfunctional they are scary and it has taken forever to untangle ourselves!

Floralnomad · 03/12/2017 17:58

Ignore her , it’s her problem not yours . One of the many things you have to get used to when your dc start dating / getting married etc is that your family times have to change, why does she think that she is so important that nothing changes for her but your family have to adapt to not having you around . Stupid woman , particularly as she is putting your back up before any GC come along .

LineysRunner · 03/12/2017 17:59

Be very careful to back up your husband Here. He's shown you his loyalties. Please support him in supporting you. (Voice of experience.)

FluffyNinja · 03/12/2017 18:00

Your MIL is being ridiculous.
I've got a (MIL) friend like this. I told her she's being selfish and that once her grown up children have left home, it's their choice how to keep in touch and how often they choose to visit. If she tries to force the issue, they might eventually rebel and stop visiting. (I'm sure I would have!)

My grown up DSons will be spending Xmas with their own families and they will see each other at some point. They visit us every few years for Xmas which is very special.
We moved abroad so it's expensive to visit us and uses up precious holiday days.
I fully accept that and I only want them to be happy.

Hulder · 03/12/2017 18:01

It isn't short notice. The moment he got married the penny should have dropped that Christmas would be changing - I had my DM announcing I wouldn't be coming to hers as I was married now and needed to be with my DH and wasn't to worry about her, even though my DF had just died and she was on her own.

I think your DH is right - she will have to get over it otherwise you will have this over everything. He knows her best.

quirkychick · 03/12/2017 18:02

If your mil had wanted to know earlier she could have asked! My mil used to do this emotional blackmail to my bil, so he came for Christmas and left sil to go to her parents. Mil is widowed now and they've only had her over once at Christmas in 13yrs. You reap what you sow.

AdaColeman · 03/12/2017 18:06

Be wary of committing to an alternate Christmas with each family, as this could be a rod for your own back.

Topseyt · 03/12/2017 18:07

I think your DH needs to have a firm word with his mother.

Alternating where you spend Christmas is perfectly normal behaviour at your stage of life. We did it until we had young children, when it just became totally impractical so we began to spend it at home, us and them with anyone who wanted to perfectly welcome to come to us.

I don't know why your MIL doesn't seem to realise that you and your parents are also family to you and your DH. I would be getting him to ask her about that directly.

Surely when your MIL was newly married she had in-laws and maybe faced similar dilemmas. Or has she conveniently forgotten that?

eddiemairswife · 03/12/2017 18:14

What is wrong with some people? Only one of my adult children lives locally, and since she got married, we always alternated with her mother-in-law with no hard feelings on any side. For the last 3 years she has hosted Christmas dinner herself as we are getting older. My other children come and go when convenient, and as their work patterns demand. I really think that people should treat their adult children as adults and let them make their own arrangements; and as for crying because one person can't make it, for goodness sake grow up.
And 6 weeks is masses of time to let someone know you aren't coming. I despair of people sometimes.

SweetIcedTea · 03/12/2017 18:56

Start as you mean to go on, I allowed MIL to insist on us going every Christmas Day, in fact when I was still married to my ex we'd be there the whole of Christmas, not I'm divorced I'm still guilt tripped into going for Christmas lunch, although we're managing to spend less time there overall, it's difficult. Goodness knows what will happen if I ever start a serious relationship.

Nip it in the bud now, I would defiantly start a three year rotation now, it'll be hard to change once you have DC.

Love51 · 03/12/2017 19:09

Either don't understand why people say 'my parents will be on their own'. If it is parents plural surely they have each other? They are living with each other as they chose to the other 354 days of the year! Different if genuinely alone.
(May have been attempted guilt tripped by a 3rd party about my own parents...)

Hallamoo · 03/12/2017 19:16

WTAF? 6 weeks is LOADS of notice!

If my family start trying to cajole me into Christmas plans any earlier than end of Nov, they get very short shrift from me.

Christmas is just another day, no one should assume anything about who they will spend it with, other than immediate family (i.e. nuclear family).

At any other time of the year, 6 weeks notice is more than enough time to tell someone your plans.

Don't get into any pattern, you might want to be on your own, you might want to go away. Play it by ear, year by year. Don't let passive aggressive family members guilt trip you into it.

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