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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he...

69 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/12/2017 23:50

So my DH has been with the same company for years, but he’s been a freelancer.. but this year he’s permanent so he’s ‘invited’ to their Christmas party with a partner when he never has been before.

He mentioned to me the date (very loosely..).... I’ve just become the (thankless) chair of the PTA and that date was our fair so I said I thought I should probably miss it so I could help clean up after our Christmas fair.

The date of the fair changed a good 2 months ago... and he didn’t say anything. I mentioned his Christmas party and he said it was nothing.

I pressed a little bit a week or so ago and he said that he was taking another person in the office as his plus one because they can’t go otherwise, and it was ‘nothing’.

So tonight.. (my birthday weekend also just to give some perspective) he gets ready in suit and I ask he wants dropping at the station... he says no, work have arranged for a car to collect him.

Some hours later I see Facebook pictures emerging and his work have hired out a huge London tourist attraction for their party. Like.. it’s a really huge thing.

I’m super pissed off. And more than that... just upset. Like he didn’t want me there.

AIBU

OP posts:

Whocansay · 03/12/2017 07:56

Sorry, but YABU. We have exactly the same situation. My Xmas Do was on at a time my husband wasn't free, so I invited my mate from a different office. DH asked last week if he could still come as he had become free, but I'd already invited my friend, so he can't. Not sure why you're upset, tbh. It's not like he didn't invite you.

overnightangel · 03/12/2017 08:05

YABU

BurnTheBlackSuit · 03/12/2017 08:07

Firstly, I don't think being chair of the pta is a good thing to do if you are working on your marriage. It's a very stressful pressured role which takes up a lot of your free time and can put a strain on even strong marriages.

But as you are chair, I do understand that cleaning up after the fair is a very important thing for the chair to do. It's the worst job and it is expected that you are there to do it- if you're pissing off to a party, why should anyone else bother doing anything so I understand your issue. Your commitment as pta chair and not letting down school people is the same as him not letting down the plus 1.

What you do need to work on is communication. From your OP you don't seem to have discussed anything. From your upset that you couldn't go to his Christmas do because of the clash of dates, to the change of date of the fair, to the venue of the party, to the plus one he invited and why and why they couldn't be uninvited.

Communication is the foundation of relationships. It seems to be lacking in yours. If you want to try hard at your marriage, you need to start talking and listening.

newdaylight · 03/12/2017 08:21

I'm struggling to understand your comment that it's obvious he's relieved you're not there.

You weren't upset until you saw the photos. So I can't imagine what you would have seen in those photos sort of him holding a sign saying "I'm relieved Mary isn't here"

Nanna50 · 03/12/2017 08:22

For a couple working on their marriage there seems to be a lot of miscommunication here on both sides. I would not put clearing up before my DH's Christmas party and you knew it was your birthday weekend when you made your choice.

Also how come your DH didn't flag up to you that the party would be somewhere special when he invited you or tell you that it was important to him that you went? If he genuinely thought you were not going and asked another freelancer to go then I think its reasonable for him to change that arrangement.

You are upset as you feel he didn't want you there, perhaps he is upset because he thought you didn't want to be there? Maybe this was why he didn't mention it much because he thought you were not interested by making the PTA your priority.

If the date of the fair had not changed would you have given his party a second thought?

Piratesandpants · 03/12/2017 08:23

YANBU. But this seems to be all about communication. How did he respond when you mentioned the clash of date? W hat did he say the next day when you told him the update that you could in fact go? What was the conversation about it in the following two months?

Nanna50 · 03/12/2017 08:25

sorry that should be I DONT think its reasonable for him to change the arrangement.
Blacksuit said it so much better than me

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2017 08:42

If it’s symptomatic of something wider in your relationship- poor communication, not prioritising time together etc - then not unreasonable to feel that this is hurtful and there is more work to do. It sounds as if you need couple counselling to unpick your feelings and reactions to each other.

I’m an active PTA member- it’s a right royal PITA and my DH would be a bit pissed off about the fair. He’d totally understand that it was a prior commitment for me, and couldn’t really be ditched, but would nevertheless be narked. That’s OK & normal.

He’d also immediately invite his colleague- if I’d said no, there’s no reason he wouldn’t have emailed/messaged/talked to his mate straight away to say “do you want to come instead?” So 24 hours or not wouldn’t make a difference.

I suppose what DOES make the difference is how you both reacted when the date of the fair changed. Did he say “Oh, I’ve already offered X the ticket but let me see what I can sort” and try to get X a plus one with someone else? Did you not appear massively enthusiastic and tell him you’d really really like to come if possible? It’s there that your communication has failed.

The night of the party & it being at a big venue the ship had sailed ages ago, possibly with fault on both sides the way I see it.

I’m not sure how you can have not known where & what the party was - presumably your DH talks about his work and you’ve discussed how that company does Christmas do’s in the past, especially if he’s been upset to miss out? Don’t feel too jealous of the venue- I have been to loads of similar and frankly it’s usually very pretty but often impractical, chilly & underwhelming! A night down the pub with colleagues is always 100 times better.

insideoutsider · 03/12/2017 09:13

Wow - I didn't know so many partners would expect too go to work events with their OH and be hurt if they couldn't go... My exP always wanted me to (and I would go if i couldn't avoid it ) but I always wondered why! My work do-s have mostly been employees only.

Can't we allow them to just go and hang out with their work friends without needing to tag along? With us there, he'll have to get our drinks, worry how you feel about a rude joke, be careful if the office hottie insisted on a dance... how tedious.

OP, he obviously didn't want you there - but that's not about you. Perhaps he wanted a night of fun with his colleagues without having to cater for the needs of his DW?

DivisionBelle · 03/12/2017 09:57

One observation: come school fair time, if one parent was involved as an organiser, the other usually helped out. Helping at the kids’ school fair was a family event. I can’t think of any of my friends who took on big involvement whose DH’s didn’t pitch in too. DH and I both helped.... (we both WOTH).

slashlover · 03/12/2017 10:26

The date of the fair changed a good 2 months ago... and he didn’t say anything. I mentioned his Christmas party and he said it was nothing.

This seems vague, did you specifically tell him at the time that your fair date had changed and you would be able to go now?

bunbon · 03/12/2017 10:37

I think it's understandable that you're disappointed but YABU to direct that disappointment at him. It's just one of those unfortunate things and he's probably downplayed it to save your feelings and it would be incredibly rude for him to withdraw the invitation from the other person.

TathitiPete · 03/12/2017 11:43

I actually think it's rather nice of him to invite another freelancer who could not otherwise go. If that's what happened. And it's a work do so it might be better if the two of you had a night out just on your own. Just the two of you. If that is possible it might be a better night out for reconnecting as a couple.

Spartaca · 03/12/2017 11:49

I'm with you. I don't believe he arranged it the next day, and if he had he knew quick enough to change it if he had wanted to.

Dozer · 03/12/2017 11:52

Yes, chairing the PTA is a thankless task! stressful, especially when you have other problems. Also agree that most husbands of PTA members help out at these things.

Dozer · 03/12/2017 11:53

Yes, if he actually didn’t ask the colleague until after he knew you’d become free and would like to attend he was BU to exclude and lie to you.

RavingRoo · 03/12/2017 11:58

Freelancers don’t usually get invited to Christmas parties. Your dh only got an invitation because he was made permanent. And it becomes really difficult and awkward to back out of a workplace plus one when your partner suddenly changes their mind. Best thing to do here is to talk to him, tell him how hurt you were, and go from there.

worridmum · 03/12/2017 12:08

But he asked you and you said No you cannot later change your mind and then expect other people to be uninvited simply because you changed your mind.

You made the choice to decline you live with that choice you don't to be annoyed / hurt at someone for your OWN choice because you simply changed your mind.

If it had been your work do and you had invited a female friend to go with you everyone would be telling you dont bother your partner made a choice he has to live with it but simply because its a man he has to uninvite he friend / work collogue because his partner at a later date changed her mind and he should do so because she is his wife (but the wife would not be expected to uninvite her friend if the situation was reveserd)

So sadly the only person to blame here is YOU and YOUR choice to make tidying up for a PTA fair more important that your husbands work night party but now it becomes a problem as it was really swanky you forget it was YOUR choice to turn down the invite and you have invitees remorse when you declined out of hand now that its bigger then you first thought.

FitBitFanClub · 03/12/2017 14:49

But he asked you and you said No you cannot later change your mind

Of course you can. That sort of thing happens all the time in relationships, and families, especially in the run-up to Christmas. It's not like missing a plane where the opportunity has gone and that's that. In our house, plans are evolving all the time - the OP said within a day or so of the original chat (I think), that her dates had changed. My dh would not have leapt in in the meantime and got himself another date, and even if he had, he'd say, "Oh great, glad you can come, I'll have a word with X and see if she can fix up something else." Because, as I said earlier, and was pooh-pooed, I'm his wife and his first loyalty is to me. Also, he'd prefer me to go than anyone else, but this may be where the OP's situation differs.

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