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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he...

69 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/12/2017 23:50

So my DH has been with the same company for years, but he’s been a freelancer.. but this year he’s permanent so he’s ‘invited’ to their Christmas party with a partner when he never has been before.

He mentioned to me the date (very loosely..).... I’ve just become the (thankless) chair of the PTA and that date was our fair so I said I thought I should probably miss it so I could help clean up after our Christmas fair.

The date of the fair changed a good 2 months ago... and he didn’t say anything. I mentioned his Christmas party and he said it was nothing.

I pressed a little bit a week or so ago and he said that he was taking another person in the office as his plus one because they can’t go otherwise, and it was ‘nothing’.

So tonight.. (my birthday weekend also just to give some perspective) he gets ready in suit and I ask he wants dropping at the station... he says no, work have arranged for a car to collect him.

Some hours later I see Facebook pictures emerging and his work have hired out a huge London tourist attraction for their party. Like.. it’s a really huge thing.

I’m super pissed off. And more than that... just upset. Like he didn’t want me there.

AIBU

OP posts:

StarWarsFanatic · 03/12/2017 01:43

It doesn't sound right to me. I would say if he had asked someone else before the date changed he should have told you, even in an off-hand way. I think you maybe could have been a bit more pro-active when the date did change and say as you are now free you would love to go. I think it is right to stand by previous commitments but I do think maybe his feelings could have been hurt by your initial refusal but he should have communicated that if it was the case.

Sounds like maybe this is part of something bigger though OP. Did he celebrate your birthday in other ways?

Mxyzptlk · 03/12/2017 01:53

One day later I could go. And I was enthusiastic about it.

And by one day later, he'd said to a colleague "Hey, you don't need to miss out. You can come with me as Mary's not going."

If you're not fussed about the posh venue, why make a feature of it in your OP?
I think YABU.

BakedBeans47 · 03/12/2017 01:55

YANBU OP x

TheStoic · 03/12/2017 01:56

And by one day later, he'd said to a colleague "Hey, you don't need to miss out. You can come with me as Mary's not going."

As if that happened one day later.

MinorRSole · 03/12/2017 02:15

Dh would have wanted me there. Whether we are unreasonable or not I don't really care but he would have put me first. If he had already invited the colleague he'd have told me and I would have said that was fine.
I guess what I'm saying is your issue is with your communication and not the office do

OlennasWimple · 03/12/2017 03:04

I'm confused.

How was he clearly relieved that you couldn't go?

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 03/12/2017 03:23

Some posters are being deliberately obtuse. It's obvious you're not concerned about it being a posh venue and about him downplaying it as a nothing affair when it obviously wasn't.
Yanbu. I would be very hurt too.

Gaudeamus · 03/12/2017 04:32

It really sounds like this was a case of bad timing rather than anything sinister - he played it down as he knew you weren't going and didn't want to be seen to gloat. However, that doesn't mean you don't have reason to be frustrated in your marriage and it definitely sounds like you could be stuck in a dynamic of miscommunication and annoyance. If that's the case it might be worth focusing on your everyday interactions and expecting less from the big events and gestures just for now.

I hope this works out for you.

Reppin · 03/12/2017 04:58

he was clearly very relieved I wasn't going
So what? I prefer my DH to not come to my work events, it changes things, he doesn't really know anyone, and nor do any of my colleagues plus ones. I also often prefer to be with my friends solo too. I really can't see the problem?

pigeondujour · 03/12/2017 05:45

I'm with you and I'd be wary of him 'inviting another colleague' then downplaying how big a party it was. Find out more about this person. Why is it you've to try to 'work hard on your marriage'?

Also, a company that would pay for big fancy parties but don't let their freelancers go sounds awful.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 03/12/2017 05:47

Mary I get what you're saying. I think it was a little off too, but it might be nothing.

How is he normally? Would he have taken you in the past? Why are you 'working on your marriage' now? I agree that he wasn't trying very hard, but maybe another poster is right and he felt you were not trying hard enough when you said you couldn't go?

Pannacott · 03/12/2017 05:56

YADNBU

I'd be hurt and reflecting on how he felt about me, and our marriage, given the circumstances that you are working on your marriage.

For the obtuse posters ignoring the obvious important contextual details:

OP did want to go, expressed disappointment to DH, he knew she wanted to attend
she was able to go the following day, it's very unlikely that he asked the other +1 within 24 hours
even if he had, he could have expressed regret and disappointment that he couldn't renege on the other plus one at this point. That would have demonstrated that he'd rather go with her but couldn't. He didn't do this.
he withheld information that this was a grand venue. Presumably because he knew she'd be more disappointed, and wanted to avoid that until it was a fair accompli.

Really shabby behaviour on his part. He didn't want you there. Sorry.

confusedlittleone · 03/12/2017 05:56

If you really were trying to work on your marriage then surely you wouldn't of written of the idea of going in favour of cleaning up so quickly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2017 06:28

Considering you’re working on your marriage, he was probably pretty upset that you were willing to forgo his Christmas do for clearing up. Working on your marriage means putting your marriage first, not being a PTA martyr. It doesn’t matter how pee’d off you were, you made a choice and have to own that choice.

I agree it is unlikely that he had invited his colleague in the intervening 24 hours but he may have done so and I actually think this is beside the point.

You have choices right now. You can either get upset and angry because you see it as a tit for tat decision. Or you could tell him you saw the photos on Facebook and hope he had a great time. State you were sad you didn’t get to go and you’d love to join him next year. That nothing will get in the way this time.

It really doesn’t matter if his inviting his colleague was tit for tat or prearranged, you’re both supposed to be working on your marriage. I think you’ve both got some making up to do and both need to improve your communication. You’re not going to do that if you go all guns blazing.

The softly approach is most likely to get you the result you are searching for.

44PumpLane · 03/12/2017 06:51

If you DH and this other person have been freelancing in the office for more than one Christmas together, perhaps they have previously commented that they would enjoy going to the office party so isn't it s bit naff they can't go because they are freelancing- sounds like a perfectly reasonable conversation to assume given I've heard it many times from temp workers in the office at Christmas.

So this year you said no thanks, even though you were disappointed it was a no. So next morning her goes in and says "Hey colleague Robin, DW can't make it, how about you be my plus 1 this year"?!

Everyone in their team is pleased and excited as another of their colleagues is coming to their works night out.

That night you let him know things have changed and you can make it, he doesn't know what to say as he's already invited his mate who is now excited to go, the team is excited about it too and these are all pals so was shaping up to be a good works night.

Hmm.... so he decides to play it down so you don't feel disappointed and he doesn't disappoint anyone in office.

Above sounds reasonable to me.

Now if you'd said "can't make it because x but give me a couple days to figure out if everything is set in stone or if there is some wiggle room" then he would be unreasonable to have gone ahead and invited colleague.

I used to work in a large office where the yearly ball was looked forward to and it was quite common to invite prior team members who no longer worked there if your partner couldn't come or you were single.

BrizzleDrizzle · 03/12/2017 06:57

You aren't be unreasonable to be disappointed but you can't really tell somebody who has probably been out and hired/bought something to wear that they then can't go. If you didn't mean it about missing the clearing up after the Xmas fair then you should have said so rather than coming across as playing the hard done by PTFA martyr.

DivisionBelle · 03/12/2017 07:25

I can see why you are upset, but you did give mixed messages over the fair and giving the precedence over your birthday, his party...

But he does seem to have been working at minimalising the party ever since. And he must have known what kind of do it was.

You need to talk it all through.

FittonTower · 03/12/2017 07:29

When you came to him, all excited that your pta had been cancelled just the very next day to you being really disappointed that couldn't go how did he tell you that you now couldn't go? Was he all "oh my god I'm so Sorry! I've said Mike can have the other ticket now because he's always missed out like me! I really don't want to take that away from him now, it would be so unfair. Isn't it shitty that the fair wasn't cancelled just 24 hrs earlier!"
Or was he "huh? Well someone else is going now"
The first (or the equivalent, depending on how emotive he is usually) yabu, the second you are not

Kitsharrington · 03/12/2017 07:30

*it wouldn't be fair to let them down

But the OP is his wife. Surely she comes first?*

What a weird attitude! He already made plans with another person. That person doesn't deserve to get ditched because OP's plans changed. Being his wife doesn't come before general good manners!

bastardkitty · 03/12/2017 07:34

It was one day later....I wouldn't have had a problem saying Really sorry - the date has changed for my partner's event and she's coming with me now.

I would be curious to know who his plus one is.

I would have been hurt too but plenty of people think yabu.

Is this the icing on the cake? Do you know where you stand with him? Do you feel loved and important. If you don't, then this is just more of the same.

Bigclearout · 03/12/2017 07:38

It sounds to me like he was pissed off at you, OP, for putting clearing up with the PTA first. Of course he couldn't uninvite his colleague but he didn't tell you about the details of the party in a passive aggressive 'fuck you'.

I'm assuming it was at one of the museums or something. They're nice venues but you generally you have to stay in the part where the party is and it's kind of like any other venue.

Collaborate · 03/12/2017 07:42

You haven't said that you told him a day later you would like to attend after all, so I presume he got the signal you didn't want to go anyway.

Those kind of work events are as much fun as a public enema. He's done you a service by going without you.

As a pp mentioned, if you were thinking upthread this might be the trigger to end the relationship, you need to work harder at it.

Dozer · 03/12/2017 07:48

When did you tell him you were now free and wished to go? When did he actually invite the freelance colleague, and tell you he’d done so? Agree with PP that it’d have been rude of him to uninvite the colleague.

In what ways did he seem relieved that you were not attending?

Many people - myself and DH included - dislike partners being at work events. Doubles the small talk for a start!

Was he working all day and on the evening of your birthday? If just the day, then YABU on that.

Littlebelina · 03/12/2017 07:52

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. On one hand I don't think it would have been fair for your DH to uninvite their colleague once they had invited them so that reason you are being unreasonable. However if this was me or my dp I would like to think we would have to said to each other "hey, it's a shame you can't make big fancy party, I was going to see if Bob wanted to come as my plus one as he doesn't get an invite". That way you would had been aware what was going on and it would have given you a chance to say oh the pta has been cancelled do you mind if I come after all.

I actually think the fact it was a bit fancy venue rather than a pub does play a part. It might make me a little shallow but I think I would have been more likely to sack off find someone to help in place for the fair if it was an event like that where I might not get another opportunity. I'm sensing communication between you and your OH might need a little work but as mummy says up thread going in all guns blazing is likely to result in a row where he shuts it down with a "you didn't want to go". Maybe leave it for the day and approach it gently ( plus he'll be over his hangover

RefuseTheLies · 03/12/2017 07:55

My husband would have felt hurt and disappointed that I’d turned his invitation down to clean up for the PTA.

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