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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just being overly sensitive?

82 replies

MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 21:51

Will try and keep this short. Old friend from school (who I’ve seen maybe 3/4 times in the last 4 years as she has been living in another country) messaged me last night to say she was visiting the city where I live to see another friend, but could she stay with me as the other friend was staying in a hotel. She apologised for the late notice etc. I said yes that would be fine, even though I’m having an incredibly busy weekend and wouldn’t be home today until 7pm and then have to leave early on Sunday (tomorrow) morning. It would be her and her husband staying.

Anyway. I haven’t heard much from her all day today. Then, about an hour ago, I heard awful cat fighting noises outside, I panic, call my cat in and she doesn’t come. Five minutes later she comes dragging herself through the cat flap, limping quite a bit and looked in a bad way. (She is asleep right now but I am keeping a close eye on her and will take her to an emergency vet if I think she’s in pain) this has obviously not been nice to see and I’m worried about her, so I text my friend saying that, actually, tonight wasn’t a great night to stay over, explained about what had just happened to my cat, said there’s so much going on this weekend for me and I would rather she came down another weekend when we had actually planned it and could spend some time together. She replied SUCH a blunt text something along the lines of ‘Ok. Have a good night’ - AIBU to be pissed off by the way she is acting towards me?? I have barely spoken to her in the last few months, then out of the blue I get a text asking if she can basically use my flat as a hotel, and then when I say its not a good time she has the cheek to have an attitude with me?? I forgot to mention that she will be able to get home via train to her own home, yes it will take longer than if she’d stayed with me but its still doable. I do feel a bit bad that I said she could stay and then said she couldn’t, but given the circumstances I thought she’d be a bit more understanding. She didn’t say anything about my cat in her reply- no ‘hope she’s ok’ or anything. AIBU?! I feel like I probably am Confused

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 22:26

You do sound stressed, OP, and you definitely should have said no in the first place, then she would probably still be your friend. But as it is, it's unlikely.

I do hope your puss will be ok, though. Thanks

Charolais · 02/12/2017 22:26

My cats sometimes get into huge scraps with wandering tom cats - piles of fur everywhere, and I’ve never taken them to the vets afterwards. We just drain and treat them with antibiotics if the get infected.

Must add; Injectable antibiotics are available at feed stores here.

Amaried · 02/12/2017 22:26

Op don't think you have to worry about next time with this particular friend.

Charolais · 02/12/2017 22:27

Wouldn’t cancel plans that’s for sure.

pictish · 02/12/2017 22:27

I do hope your cat is ok but I agree with everyone else. Totally unreasonable to cancel at the eleventh hour because your cat got in a fight...how bizarre.

Original poster
MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 22:30

I also didn’t say that ‘she can’t stay’ I just politely said it was an inconvenient time and that I may have to go to the emergency vets. I haven’t used it as an excuse at all - I was literally making up the spare bed for them when my poor cat dragged herself in. I actually said ‘if it’s going to be too difficult to get home on the train then of course you can stay’.

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 02/12/2017 22:31

that I may have to go to the emergency vets

It just hasn't been decided if it's an emergency or not yet

Iloveanimals · 02/12/2017 22:32

But even though you said she could stay, it would have made her feel like she couldn't...you get what I mean?

Tallia · 02/12/2017 22:33

YANBU to have cancelled but I think YABU/ overly sensitive re. the text message, presumably she's already out with her friend. She sent you a message acknowledging your text and was actually polite about it "Have a good night". She'd be being rude to the people she's out with to spend a while composing a longer reply, and might not even have fully read your message - just enough to get the message that she couldn't stay - if she was socialising.

Original poster
MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 22:34

Mumof56 no because she is asleep. I am waiting until she wakes up and then I can check if she can actually walk. I think she might have just been in shock.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2017 22:36

I also didn’t say that ‘she can’t stay’ I just politely said it was an inconvenient time and that I may have to go to the emergency vets. I haven’t used it as an excuse at all - I was literally making up the spare bed for them when my poor cat dragged herself in. I actually said ‘if it’s going to be too difficult to get home on the train then of course you can stay’.

That’s not remotely what you said in the OP.

I could lend you a CAT excavator to help with all that digging though.

SD1978 · 02/12/2017 22:36

I think she was a bit of a CF for asking in he first place- but she did and you said yes. To cancel her at this time of night is very unreasonable. I wouldn’t be highly annoyed if at almost 22.00 I was suddenly told that I’d have to make other arrangements.

Original poster
MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 22:38

It’s hard to explain it all when people don’t know the full story. But she is a flaky friend herself and has made no effort in the last 4 years. The only reason we’ve seen each other is at group social events. I guess that I should have just said no in the first place as I have so much going on this weekend but I was trying to be nice/accommodating!

Also to the person who commented previously ^^ having a busy weekend doesn’t necessarily mean being busy at 10pm 🙄 I would be asleep right now as I have to be up early but instead I am stressing out about this situation! Doesn’t mean that I’m not busy!

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 02/12/2017 22:41

YABU but you know that now. I do hope your cat is ok and don't worry I'm sure your friend will never ask for a favour from you again.

Original poster
MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 22:42

Butchy I could screen shot the message I sent but that could be potentially outing. You are enjoying this, aren’t you!

OP posts:
Aridane · 02/12/2017 22:44

I cannot believe you withdrew the accommodation offer well into a Saturday evening just like that!

Rachie1973 · 02/12/2017 22:44

Unreasonable to cancel at such late notice for such a strange reason.

Aridane · 02/12/2017 22:45

( bit I hope cat is OK)

ChocolateWombat · 02/12/2017 22:46

The thing is OP, really you know you were in he wrong, but just want to justify it.

Friend did make a rather cheeky request, which you agreed to. No doubt you brooded on it and wished you'd said 'no' but time passed and it was all planned. Perhaps you kept thinking you'd say it wasn't convenient or not and then the cat thing happened, so you cancelled at short notice,mpossibly leaving her with nowhere to stay.

So who was worse? Her with a cheeky request which you could have easily said 'no' to and no harm done to anyone, or you with your last minute cancellation which left her in the lurch - not only did you leave her in the lurch but you made it clear only at the last moment that you were on for a busy weekend and so it wasn't really convenient and another time would be better - surely these things needed to be said when she first asked to stay (all fine at that point) and not an hour before she was due.

I dont think you can have expected much more than a blunt text in that situation. You clearly felt aggrieved about her coming anyway....and now she's not.

If you are interested in this friendship continuing, text in the morning and apologise for letting her down, say how the cat is and suggest a time when you'd love to see her.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2017 22:51

Butchy I could screen shot the message I sent but that could be potentially outing

No need. I’m merely pointing out that if you had included your drip feed in the OP you might have gotten a slightly warmer reception.

Only slightly mind, because I think most posters would still think you were unreasonable to bail on your friend so late in the day.

You are enjoying this, aren’t you!

You must be joking. Do you think this is gripping or something?

Just chalk it up to experience and learn to say ‘no’ in future. I do think you owe your friend an apology though.

ChocolateWombat · 02/12/2017 22:51

For me, the real problem wasn't the cat issue, but saying with only an hour until arrival that actually it was a busy weekend for you and you'd rather she came at another time which worked better.

Why on earth would you think it was okay to say that kind of thing on a Saturday evening to someone coming to stay in an hour? Why on earth would you think that would be greeted with more than a brief text - pretty gracious in the circumstances.

In my book, the worst kinds of communicators are those who say yes to a request they don't want to, then seethe about it and end up pulling out at the last minute and feel vindicated in their behaviour because they've spent the time convincing themselves that the quest was unreasonable. Well, say what you think when first asked. It's always fine to say no to a request if you want to, but its not fine to let people down at the last minute.

Original poster
MilsCookie · 02/12/2017 22:51

Thank you ChocolateWombat for the constructive feedback. I am going to sign off now but I do appreciate all the responses. Thanks again.x

OP posts:
SassySausageSupper · 02/12/2017 22:53

I don’t think her reply is rude at all. You’re reading more into it than is there.

Iwantamarshmallow · 02/12/2017 22:54

YABU. You let her down at the last minute. I think her text was completely reasonable in the circumstances.

ChocolateWombat · 02/12/2017 22:55

Op, do you think you might be one of those who asks AIBU and when everyone says you are, is still sure you were right?

Often those people pull the plug on the thread having started it or vanish when they don't get the response they want, but justify that action by feeling everyone was mean to them.

There is the odd AIBU where the OP suddenly says 'yes I can see I haven't looked at it all quite right and you are all right...I was being unreasonable and now I'm off to sort it out' .....but few and far between. Pride wins out, even on the Internet

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