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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to stick to our plans?

70 replies

Lenny1987 · 02/12/2017 16:14

We have been invited to the 30th birthday partty of my 2 best friends tonight. Invite was sent in september. Husband knows both very well, has been on holiday with them, attended lots of family parties/ gatherings etc over the 8 years we have been together. A couple of weeks ago his soorts team organised a night out for tonight. I said at thr time if he really wanted to go he could go, then we decided he would spend an hour or two at the party then go to the night out. At 3pm today he changes his mind, says he never goes out with the lads (i never stop him) and that he has to suffer and do what i want. Aibu to expect him to stick to the agreement?

OP posts:

RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 18:42

It's strange that some people think it's not rude to say you are going to something then don't because of a better offer. I think most understand it would be basic manners to attend the first engagement if agreed attendance.

corythatwas · 02/12/2017 18:46

This has nothing to do with MN: it's been considered rude behaviour for as long as I have been alive, certainly long before the invention of the internet.

If he didn't want to go to the party in the first place, he should have declined politely at the time. Last minute cancellations should come with a decent excuse. If everybody thought like some posters on here, the hosts could end up with loads of food and no guests.

BewareOfDragons · 02/12/2017 18:52

Your update makes him look even jerkier than I already thought he was. Wow. What an ass.

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 19:04

This has nothing to do with MN: it's been considered rude behaviour for as long as I have been alive, certainly long before the invention of the internet

By some. Not by others. Some would find it rude to expect people to go to parties they don't want to go to.

JamesBondsMrs · 02/12/2017 19:07

Then he should have declined the initial invite

rookiemere · 02/12/2017 19:09

YANBU.

You gave him the option not to go originally, I'd be mad about his reinvention of the facts and the implication that you are some sort of fun-spoiling harridan.

And only on planet mumsnet is it not considered rude not to show up to an invite that you have rsvp'd to.

However given the mardy arse that he's likely to be I hope you've gone without him.

RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 19:13

Sounded like he wanted to go to the party before the better offer came along. I'm struggling to see how it is now rude of the hosts who received his RSVP to expect him to attend.

mum11970 · 02/12/2017 19:17

Yes he should stick to your plans. We held a party the other week and believe me the no shows were noted. It’s damn rude not to show up when you’ve confirmed and a wasted expense when catered for. I’m really annoyed at those that failed to turn up and they have certainly gone down in my estimation.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 19:22

Another one who thinks that if you RSVP to say you will go to a party then you should go to that party, not pull out because you've had a better offer.

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 19:26

Do you all treat your partners like children?

And most of you would actually change your plans when it suited so all this "you have to go if you said you'd go" nonsense is just that.

Grumblepants · 02/12/2017 19:29

This really winds me up. You don't change plans!! Me and DH argue about this a lot. But I have always thought if you make a plan unless you are dead or dying you don't bloody change plans it's rude!!

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 19:30

But I have always thought if you make a plan unless you are dead or dying you don't bloody change plans it's rude!!

This is absolute bollocks! "Sorry best friend, I can't come to your engagement party because I already told that woman from school I'd go to her tupperware party"
as if you would. People do talk complete shit on here.

RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 19:49

I don't think many people treat their partners like children because they normally don't behave like them.

bluebird3 · 02/12/2017 20:03

It is rude to agree to attend an event and then not show up. Especially if it's an event hosted somewhere with food laid out. For my 30th about twenty people rsvp'd so I booked a section of a bar for 25. Only about 12 turned up, I'm assuming they got a better offer. It was embarrassing.

minipie · 02/12/2017 20:12

tiny a) that's an extreme example and b) cancelling in advance is different from not showing up last minute like the OP's dp.

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 20:55

But I have always thought if you make a plan unless you are dead or dying you don't bloody change plans it's rude!!

Nonsense, people change their plans at the last minute all the time. This is a birthday party of his partners friend, where his absence will make no difference to the event what so ever. Since when did an rsvp to a friend of a friend mean you had signed your soul away to the devil.

honeyravioli · 02/12/2017 20:56

b) cancelling in advance is different from not showing up last minute like the OP's dp

Apparently not, if you aren't actually dead you are never allowed to change your plans!

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 21:21

Julie and Tiny and honey

Exactly. And, who cares that these 30 year old twin friends of the op is having a birthday? Probably 3 or 4 people in actuality with the rest rolling their eyes at feeling forced to come. I hope op’s dh totally ditches the 30 year twin friends of wife party. He doesn’t want to go, op!!! He already gave you a big hint “suffer”. He’s had to suffer through eight years of a bunch of these inane gatherings of foops (friends of op) and he is understandably finally straining at the leash.

BackforGood · 03/12/2017 13:28

If it were my party, and a friend's dh had accepted weeks ago, to come as her OH, then something came up with his mate, I would 100% expect him to go with his mate. It wouldn't make a jot of difference to me as the host. I would be there with a room full of poeple who were my friends / family, and the difference one of their friends partners makes to numbers (be that quality of the party or food ordered on the buffet) is zilch.
Yes, it's rude to agree to go somewhere then not turn up, leaving someone in the lurch, but this isn't that. He can let her know, before the party, sorry, something has come up but OP still coming and hope they all have a great time, and it wouldn't make anyone bat an eyelid.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/12/2017 13:38

I wouldn’t care if he didn’t go in these circs but I’d be pissed off by his ‘woe is me’ attitude and suggesting you’re controlling just because he and his mates don’t organise to go out! Presumably he’s trying to off load feeling guilty on to you because he feels bad about ditching (hence asking you to lie).

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