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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to stick to our plans?

70 replies

Lenny1987 · 02/12/2017 16:14

We have been invited to the 30th birthday partty of my 2 best friends tonight. Invite was sent in september. Husband knows both very well, has been on holiday with them, attended lots of family parties/ gatherings etc over the 8 years we have been together. A couple of weeks ago his soorts team organised a night out for tonight. I said at thr time if he really wanted to go he could go, then we decided he would spend an hour or two at the party then go to the night out. At 3pm today he changes his mind, says he never goes out with the lads (i never stop him) and that he has to suffer and do what i want. Aibu to expect him to stick to the agreement?

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 02/12/2017 17:12

Why would he want to go to your best friend's 30th in the first place?

I think you should do your thing, and he can do his. He probably only agreed to go so he wouldn't be stuck home alone - why shouldn't he go out with his friends if he can?

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 17:12

Agree with TinySparkleyShoes and PinkHeart

Why would anybody want someone to come to their party that really doesn’t want to be there??

I agree that people should keep their word, but if he’s had to go to a bunch of these get togethers with your friends over 8 years, he’s probably so sick of you planning his evenings w people he doesn’t really want to hang out with and he’s been made to socialize with often, that to even go for an hour to “show his face” is unpalatable to him and I am cheering for him to have his soccer night.

walnutwhip88 · 02/12/2017 17:17

Yanbu! Hate people who cancel/alter plans at the last minute.

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 17:21

Thats a bit controlling, isn't it?

minipie · 02/12/2017 17:23

Like your friends are going to care if your dh doesn’t attend, I doubt they will be crying in the corner over it

But friends may have paid for a tab, laid on food, hired a venue based on numbers. That's why it's rude to say yes and then take a better offer last minute.

ElephantsandTigers · 02/12/2017 17:26

Is he right that he never goes out with the lads?

Hmm
AlonsosLeftPinky · 02/12/2017 17:39

You told him you didn't mind if he missed it and went out with his friends instead.

It won't make even the slightest bit of difference to anyone if he's there for an hour so why create all that faf?

deepestdarkestperu · 02/12/2017 17:46

Personally, I think turning up for an hour and then leaving for a "better offer" is worse than not going at all.

Topseyt · 02/12/2017 17:51

Well, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I don't think he is either though.

I would have thought it would be less hassle to just leave him alone to go out with his friends. What would be the point of him being there even briefly if he really didn't want to be? I guess he is only invited because he is your partner, so I don't see why it would be rude for him to plead a prior engagement and you each go to your separate events tonight.

I am not really a party animal, so probably the wrong person to comment really, but I would find starting the evening at one event and moving on to another one just a monumental ball-ache. When I do go out it is to one thing or another.

Original poster
Lenny1987 · 02/12/2017 17:57

Yes we had both rsvp'd that we would be there. Yes they have ordered food, which of course wont make a huge difference but it would if everybody decided to do the same. The girls are twins and it isnt a huge party. I dont think i have spent years 'controlling his evenings' - of course we have spent time with my friends in the same way we have spent time with his. I only mentioned thar to make it clear he knows them well - i attend plenty of parties for colleagues etc. That i would never expect him to go to instead of doing something else. If he wanted to go out with his friends any other saturday night there is no issue, its this last minute change of mind and complaint about 'suffering' that has upset me. I wouldnt do that to him.
It is true that he doesnt often go out on a Saturday night with his friends - either through his or their choice, but much of his social life focuses on a sport played on a sunday. He often spends the whole day and night playing watching and drinking out with his mates. Absolutely no problem.
Interestingly he now wants me to lie to make something up about where he is because he doesnt want to look bad, suggesting to me he thinks himself that he should have made the effort.

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 18:02

Really fucking rude to RSVP and then not show up. If the tables were turned and you had agreed to attend his mates birthday party, I bet he'd be getting all pissy if you wanted to change plans. Is he normally so flakey? Is he also quite selfish a lot of the time?

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 18:10

If you would just ask him to tell you truthfully, how hard is that?
You may find he is getting tired of there always being plans made for him. Why does he have to be there in the first place?? Why would they want your husband to be there when it’s clear he doesn’t want to be there? Why do you want to make him go? He said he’d go because he knows you’ve decided he must go to these things. I personally think you are controlling too many of his evenings and he is beginning to have the courage to resist and do his own thing. The fact he doesn’t even want to show his face means he is over it. Tht’s what it sounds like to me. You’re holding his feet to the fire with “he said he’d go”, well, yes he was trying to please you. After years of doing this, he is challenging you and you don’t like it. That’s understandable.

ElephantsandTigers · 02/12/2017 18:15

He's embarrassing then isn't he? Lies and won't take the rap.

RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 18:15

Your husband really needs to grow up and learn some responsibility. If you agree to attend something, surely the adult thing to do is go along and enjoy yourself, not sulk like some petchulant child because you can't get your own way. I feel sorry for you, having to make excuses for him. It must be incredibly embarrassing for you.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 18:18

I agree w the others, don’t lie. Simply tell them he didn’t want to come and is attending his own friends’ party.

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 18:18

So its the idea that he doesn't like your friends as much as you do but he suffers tolerates them because he cares about you. Maybe not a great way to find out but probably the result of him bottling it up.

Now he has a better offer for the evening then its unfair to force him to go somewhere he doesn't want to.

You dont need to lie to your friends just tell them that something came up at last minute and he couldn't make it. Its not that big a deal.

RadioGaGoo · 02/12/2017 18:19

Absolutely don't lie. Really he should be contacting the hosts himself in advance to explain and apologise for his absence. He certainly should not be leaving that to you.

JamesBondsMrs · 02/12/2017 18:27

Yanbu. It's rude to say you're going somewhere then ditch it when a better offer comes along.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2017 18:27

"going to one place for an hour then getting from there to the other place, etc., is just hassle. If he is going out with his friends / team for the evening, then he might as well go with them from the start. "

Well, it depends how far apart they are doesn't it? If they're both in the same direction, doesn't make much difference.

WhoWants2Know · 02/12/2017 18:28

The word “suffer” would put my back up. If it’s such a chore, then presumably he won’t want to come along in future. And obviously there’s no need for you to “suffer” through his mates’ events, either.

I wouldn’t agree to lie for him though. I’d be honest that an opportunity has come up to spend a night drinking on a Saturday evening with people who he also hangs out with on most Sundays. Get those bridges burned good & proper.

Dozer · 02/12/2017 18:30

He’s being rude to your friends and to you, especially when they’re laying on food. He clearly knows this as he wants you to lie.

It’d still be very rude - perhaps even more rude - to “pop in” for a short while before going where he actually wants to go.

extinctspecies · 02/12/2017 18:31

What sort of party?

How many people will be there?

Just drinks and canapés or dinner?

It's very bad manners of your DH to want to change his plans at the last minute - the first invitation should always take precedence - but if it's a large party, say over 40 people, and not a sit-down dinner, then it probably won't make much difference to the hosts.

But your DH needs to learn some better manners.

NinonDeLenclos · 02/12/2017 18:33

It's too fucking rude to say you're going and then not show up. He's an adult, not a teenager, he can show his face and then go as per the original plan, and not ask his mum to lie for him. So immature.

It is true that he doesnt often go out on a Saturday night with his friends - either through his or their choice, but much of his social life focuses on a sport played on a sunday. He often spends the whole day and night playing watching and drinking out with his mates. Absolutely no problem.

So he sees his friends often on Sundays just not on a Saturdays. If he wants to see his friends on a Saturday he can organise it.

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 18:35

People have a really weird idea of what is rude and how adults should behave. But then this is MN where literally everything is rude!

GabriellaMontez · 02/12/2017 18:38

He's rude. Stick to arrangements made withis friends where possible. Or expect the same treatment back.