Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t get a joint bank account

44 replies

CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 21:50

First off, I know I’ve left myself in a vulnerable position by giving up work to raise DCs without being married (DCs are only 12 months apart so my wages wouldn’t have even covered childcare) so please don’t tell me this, I kick myself daily about it.

I have to ask my partner for money for every penny I spend, tonight I brought up opening a joint account to save me asking for a tenner here and a tenner there and he point blank refused saying that I’m shit with money and everything is about money (I have explained to him how financially vunerable I am at the minute and it worries me) I am not shit with money at all, I gave him months of my bank statements to prove this but he wouldn’t even look at them.

AIBU in telling him to fuck right off, and I would rather claim benefits that beg his smug self for money?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 21:51

Being single is far more appealing that being with him right now.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/12/2017 21:52

No it’s not a partnership

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 01/12/2017 21:52

Being single you'll have more money and you won't have to beg anyone. He'll have to stump up a set amount for maintenance too.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 21:53

Excuse any spelling mistakes, I’ve cracked open a bottle of wine which is also wrong. I’m slurring my words apparently

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 01/12/2017 21:53

Do it, he sounds like a twat. You've got your head screwed on.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/12/2017 21:54

Tell him to take himself, his shitty attitude and fuck right off. How dare he make you beg for money to live off.

SandAndSea · 01/12/2017 21:55

Do whatever makes you happy.

suga4spice · 01/12/2017 21:55

I would get a job asap. There is no way I would be financially dependent on such a selfish prick.

ITCouldBeWorse · 01/12/2017 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 21:56

I’m fuming, just mentioned everything he’s accused me of tonight and I’ve just made it all up apparently, fed up of this shit. I am better than this and he knows it.

I’m done.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 01/12/2017 22:00

Leave.
Get your ducks in a row, leave and work. You'd qualify for some top up benefits if your pay was too low. He would also have to pay maintennece. People manage.

It's got to be better than living trapped in a house with a man who knows he can financially control you.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 01/12/2017 22:02

Oh no that’s not right - in a partnership money is shared. He’s using money as a form of control.
Even couples who keep their money apart would have some arrangement as to what a non earning spouse could spend.

So basically - ltb

Although as your are in the real world and you are unlikely to do this I would at least press for a joint account into which he pays a sum of your martial income - with the agreement of what it’s for (say food, clothes, going out). It needs to cover some leisure spend for you. To me this is a step forward from your current situation.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 22:02

He’s self employed, how easy would it be for him to get out of paying CM?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 22:04

Thanks for your reply Rainbow, I’ve tried that route, happened for a month max, I can’t be arsed to be chasing him to transfer money into my account anymore. It’s degrading. Each month that passes, I fell less like myself for asking him for money just to pay household bills when I know he’s earning at lest 1k a week

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 01/12/2017 22:05

Easier than I realised based on what I've read on MN

There have been threads where the self employed esrnings get held in the company and the ex only pays himself a small salary. Then he can draw it all out the company once the children are 18.

But I'm no expert at all. Others more knowledgable will come along soon.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 01/12/2017 22:09

Well it should be a set amount - by direct debit not a month to month ask

He sounds awful

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 22:10

The finances are symptomatic of his treatment of you,he sounds horrible
On a practical level,the accommodation is it joint name or his sole name
You can make benefit application for yourself.get some independent money
Do you want to leave and get accommodation elsewhere?

You are exposed at moment as you are financially dependent on him. So claim benefits. Conceal the application from him
Can you get free nursery hours and use that time for cv,job hunt etc?

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 22:11

Yes, he is awful.

This will all be my fault and I’m not having anymore.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 22:14

As an aside I need to say no,it’s not compulsory to have shared finances as a couple
I know it’s a mn mantra that accounts must be shared,it’s not obligatory
We don’t have a joint acc,but we both work ft.
I’d advise claim benefits into your sole account and don’t get joint acc with him

SummerRains · 01/12/2017 22:18

I would advise getting a job and splitting the childcare costs between you - your salary is not to cov r childcare. That is an equal responsibility. Also as I am fed up too I would expect him to do half of childcare drop offs and pick ups and also to do half of all household things.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2017 22:21

What was the agreement when you had the children and gave up work op?

If he earns that much you can afford childcare, because child care is a joint expense.its not about your wages covering it, it’s abiut both your wages jointly covering it. After your contribution/share toward this you would have what is left as spending money.

So the question is what what agreed when you gave up work in terms of how the money would work?

nooka · 01/12/2017 22:36

When my dh was SAHD and I was the sole earner I gave him an agreed amount of money in cash every week. Because he really was very bad with money and I'd been burned before with a joint account. So I think that there are alternatives to putting all the funds in one pot. However it sounds as if there is a lot going wrong with this relationship and this may be more in financial abuse territory.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 01/12/2017 22:53

We never really had an agreement regarding money other than he would give me the bill money (all in my name) and £50 a week downing money, the spending money he gave me once. I fell pregnant again very quickly with DC2 in the midst of PND and a poorly DC1 so we never really spoke about things properly, it was more of a case for getting through each day. It’s not so much a money thing, it’s me having to ask for it over and over again until I feel like a burden but if I didn’t I would go over my over draft. I am very good with money and he knows this. I’m just fed up with how he makes me feel.

Ducks are getting in a row and I’m looking for a job. I won’t let him beat me.

He makes me feel like I’m being dramatic when I mention it to him and that I should be grateful for what I’m got, is that normal?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 22:55

No you shouldn’t feel grateful or beholden to your partner. At all

Maelstrop · 01/12/2017 22:55

No, it's not normal. In what other ways does he control you?