Partner won’t get a joint bank account

[CarlHickbread]

First off, I know I’ve left myself in a vulnerable position by giving up work to raise DCs without being married (DCs are only 12 months apart so my wages wouldn’t have even covered childcare) so please don’t tell me this, I kick myself daily about it.

I have to ask my partner for money for every penny I spend, tonight I brought up opening a joint account to save me asking for a tenner here and a tenner there and he point blank refused saying that I’m shit with money and everything is about money (I have explained to him how financially vunerable I am at the minute and it worries me) I am not shit with money at all, I gave him months of my bank statements to prove this but he wouldn’t even look at them.

AIBU in telling him to fuck right off, and I would rather claim benefits that beg his smug self for money?

Tell him that you are concerned that he is financially abusing you. When he denies it tell him to prove it by opening a joint bank account.

I don't think you're entitled to a joint account with him.

You are entitled to calm discussion leading to a fair agreement with him about how both your wages are to be budgeted and spent. If he is the higher earner and you tend to pay most of the household bills, that would mean he'd pay you a regular amount to your own (separate) account to cover the bills.

If he refuses to have that discussion or make that agreement, then he is being out line, in my opinion. If you are both unable to sit down and have a reasonable discussion, then you would need to sort that out first.

My view is that it is certainly abusive to deny one's spouse or partner sufficient money for their needs (in my view, the split should ensure that each person has the same discretionary spending amount regardless of comparative earnings). However, it's also abusive if one partner splurges the joint account on all manner of frivolities regardless of their partner's objections and sends it repeatedly into overdraft (this happened to me btw, and ultimately I took my name off the joint account).

Gosh he sounds awful! What are you actually getting from this set up?

I agree with Toad you don’t need a joint account for funds to be shared equally. If he can’t sit down with you and discuss finances properly, then that’s a whole other problem in itself. I would not think you are wrong for going back to work so you can gain some financial dependence and /or kicking him out!

Op can’t kick him out if it’s his property. Only an injunction can bar him from the accommodation
But on mn folk get all het up advising kick him out,change locks.all illegal of course
In fact if op isn’t on the title deeds as sole or co-owner he can ask op to leave

I don't think it's a matter of the OP being 'entitled' to a joint account or not but that the current arrangement isn't working and that needs solving but her partner doesn't see anything wrong with it and wants to keep control. I would count up all the bills, food, and other expenses and work out what his contribution should be and insist that he put that into a joint account so that you can run the house.

This isn’t good. Is he paying for half the food shopping and kids stuff as part of the bills? Is he paid on a monthly basis? If so, do a list of all bills including food and kids nappies clothes etc, and ask him to pay monthly into your account.

You are in a very vulnerable position, you are not married and living in his house. You need to wake up to how vulnerable you are and do something to sort it.

Make a plan and get out as soon as possible. I speak from bitter experience.

It's really refreshing to read about an arsehole like this where the poster has already decided to leave!

You're doing the right thing, well done you. Good luck!

It can take a while to change the mind set from my personal bank account to... I'm in a relationship now, with children and I need to share. My dh had strange attitude to money, not stingy or mean or nasty and it took a while to get to the point where we have main joint account and we look after ours money together, it's all pinned down what for Christmas, holidays, etc and what's for bills and everyday needs. We are both in control of it now. Obviously your partner is saying out right no. Which is awful...

LTB

You’ll get much more money, a set amount off him every month and an occasional break when he has the kids.

I’m not sure if it’s changed too much but when I was a single parent tax credits paid pretty much all of my childcare costs (working tax covered the majority then the child tax covered the rest, or vice versa).

LipstickHandbagCoffee
How can the OP claim benefits when her partner is earning £1,000 a week?

Unless of course she LTB first and then claims benefits?

She’s pretty much said that’s it,she’s had enough.so yes gather relevant paperwork,make a claim
But I wouldn’t obvs let him know about plans.Riskiest time for women is the leaving period
And accommodation is an issue,whether or not she’s named in the deeds or solely him

Sorry i thought that you meant that she should claim benefits whilst they are still together.

Sorry I wasn’t clear,reading her posts it loooks as if she’s had enough of him

I am not surprised she has had enough of him when he is financially abusive like this.

Agree, the biggie is the accommodation.whether it in joint or sole names

I suspect he made sure that if was in his name so he could retain control.

He's abusive and controlling, LTB and claim benefits. You haven't been out of work that long by the sounds of it so you can get back in easier than if you leave it longer.

And with ties to a man like this, you really need to be back in work and have some independence.