AIBU to feel awkward about being asked this?

[Marissa2727]

We have got a meal coming up with lots of DH friends (I know them well too).
All of them have children of their own and/ or are pregnant as well. Every time I see them I always get heavily questioned about when I am going to have a baby of my own.

DH has two children from a previous relationship. We don't want a baby right now for several reasons. I have had a miscarriage in the past and am scared of trying again. Also we don't have a lot of money or time at the moment. We feel that the money and time we do have should be focused on his existing children.

I don't want to go into saying these things when I am asked because they are too personal. But I feel awkward when I am asked these questions and just want to change the conversation. Is this normal or am I being overly sensitive? I'm thinking that as I get asked it so much other people must think it is fine to ask these things.

It's the one question I never ask -it is so rude and inappropriate/intrusive and could be very upsetting to the person asked. I'm sure people never ask to be rude and mean no harm, but it is awful.

They’re being rude and insensitive. I’m sure someone wiser than me will come up with some better suggestions but would you feel comfortable with a head tilt and “that’s quite a personal question, don’t you think?” Or maybe laughing it off with an “oh we’re too busy for the minute!” Personally I go with saying that I much prefer dogs to kids but if you’ve get step children that’s probably not ideal

YANBU. Its the epitome of rudeness and tactlessness to ask intrusive questions. How do they know its not a very sore subject and that you're not trying.

No one should ever ask. It’s incredibly rude for a while number of reasons,

Just say “we’re happy as we are just now” and then immediately ask them a subject changing question about their outfit/Work/holiday plans/Kids etc

Ok thank you, so it's not just me then! Haha @Bodear I love dogs too they are amazing

Just reply that your rampant, very frequent and very satisfying sex life is none of their business.

First of all, i'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage that must have been awful

Secondly, if people are going to keep asking, you need a blanket response that doesn't invite further questions, like "oh we'll get round to it, when the time is right for us" that should shut them up and stop them from asking.

People were always ask me when I was having another, DD is nearly 6 but I don't want any more children (I have a DSD17 too) so I just tell them straight that I don't want any more!

Try not to let their comments/questions bother you

Do they always ask? They sound bloody tedious.

Turn it round with the question ‘why are you asking?’ It’s rude and thoughtless, I had 3 miscarriages and when asked yet again when I was going to have a baby, I responded that I was still getting over the loss of three babies. I wasn’t asked that again.

It is rude and insensitive, not to mention old fashioned and backwards!

Just say ' it's private' when they ask and smile / turn away. The thickest should get the hint then.

@ShatnersWig that's hilarious 😂 but seriously though I don't think I could say that!
@FooFighter99 Thank you, yeah I say things along those lines but they don't seem to get the hint!
@lamagreyhoundhearmeroar pretty much every single time at least one person will ask me 😞! There's one woman in particular who seems to love nothing more than grilling me on it.

@Caroelle aww that was really brave of you and very rude of them. sorry to hear about your miscarriages

Marissa I can bet they'll never ask you again if you do. I did it once and they stopped (I'm a childfree man and my ex partner also didn't want children).

I would say to her "I do wish you wouldn't keep asking me that" and move away if possible.

don't make a flippant comment - they will just probe deeper / try to "persuade" you or something equally annoying.

either say "it's private" or "why do you keep asking me" or "it's personal"
and make THEM feel uncomfortable for asking. don't fear the silence.

I think I would say to the one who keeps asking
"Why do you keep asking this? "

If you can, raise one eyebrow and outstare the bitch.

Yes I'm going to need to be more firm I think! I'm not very good at doing this in real conversation but will give it a try this time. They don't ask my husband really though, generally just when they've cornered me! I think they just find it strange that I don't have kids. Almost as if they have never met anyone without kids before!

If they’re failing to get the hint, you’ll need to be clearer. ‘Well, that’s our business’ in a breezy but firm tone with a smile.

If they still persist: ‘That’s a very personal question; please don’t ask again.’

I couldn't have children. My family and friends knew but it wasn't something I particularly wanted to share with the whole world. I always responded with 'who knows' and then either shut up or changed the subject. They eventually got the hint. I even practiced on my then DP until I felt comfortable fobbing them off.

Good luck.

"Maybe one day" always works for me

"Are you aware that every time you ask that you risk upsetting someone who is trying but not yet pregnant, or who has recently had a miscarriage? You're lucky that it's not me this time but you should be more careful in future".

Alternatively "Nah, babies are boring"

They are wrong about two things:
1 - that having babies is normal/expected/everyone will do it
2 - that you wish to discuss it with them
You can disabuse them of either one of these assumptions.

Hubby and I had this when we got married. Although we had a child each from previous relationships we were told we couldn't have one together which was very upsetting for us both. The only way we could deal with it was to smile which hurt inside and reply - no We're not having any as we've seen the prototypes. No-one knew that we had been to the fertility clinic as we couldn't face it. We did however have an amazing surprise 5 years ago :-)