AIBU to feel awkward about being asked this?

[Marissa2727]

We have got a meal coming up with lots of DH friends (I know them well too).
All of them have children of their own and/ or are pregnant as well. Every time I see them I always get heavily questioned about when I am going to have a baby of my own.

DH has two children from a previous relationship. We don't want a baby right now for several reasons. I have had a miscarriage in the past and am scared of trying again. Also we don't have a lot of money or time at the moment. We feel that the money and time we do have should be focused on his existing children.

I don't want to go into saying these things when I am asked because they are too personal. But I feel awkward when I am asked these questions and just want to change the conversation. Is this normal or am I being overly sensitive? I'm thinking that as I get asked it so much other people must think it is fine to ask these things.

Yanbu.

Sorry for your loss.

I’d go for ‘maybe one day’ and move the conversation on. However, if someone keeps on that’s when I would deploy the ‘that’s a very personal question’. And if that doesn’t work, ‘you do realise that asking people about children is a very personal and potentially painful question’. And if that doesn’t work, I’d just tell questioner the truth ‘because we have previously experienced loss in pregnancy and we’re finding it tough to consider trying again’. And let the awkwardness just sit there.

I’ve got to number 3 with a good friend who has historically all the sensitivity of a rhino...to be fair he took it well. And we have not experienced loss, I just thought the way he kept going on about it was really ill advised and maybe he’d be better knowing why it’s not a good idea to say it.

Reply ‘ I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone that question. ‘

Years and years ago before having kids I would always ask couples this 'soooo when will you have kids then'
I want to go back and punch younger me in the face

Now I've had a kid, and a miscarriage
And I know many people who have struggled with having a baby
I never ever say anything
None of my business

I used to get asked all the time when I would have another one, didn't particularly want to say 'well I would actually be pregnant now if I hadn't had a miscarriage so...'
So my standard response was 'ahh when ds starts sleeping' in a jokey way

Try to come up with a line your comfortable with
And just repeat it everytime someone asks!

"people often ask me that and I always tell them to mind their own business"

Sorry about your miscarriage, I have experienced two and can understand why you’d be hesitant to try again.

My husband has always made a joke when people ask us and says “we can’t, not the way we do it! ” Obviously he is joking but it makes them feel so awkward they never ask again!!

I found saying, well I've just had my 4th miscarriage, shut most people up.

OP, don't let the trauma put you off, I know it hurts, but it's no reason not to try X.

I used to tell the truth "I've had two miscarriages so far, so your guess is as good as mine really." Which shut a lot of people up - although not all.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I haven't been asked this recently, which is just as well as I had a mc a few weeks ago. But next time I will definitely give a reply which makes them uncomfortable, as some people have suggested. I'm too polite for my own good but this subject really gets to me. What business is it of anyone's? It's just rude. There are all sorts of issues to do with fertility and pregnancy, just because you can't see the medical issue doesn't mean it's not there.

"But I feel awkward when I am asked these questions and just want to change the conversation"

Next time anyone from the group questions you in such a way, look them in the eye and say in a (pleasant) clear voice,

"It isn't always as simple as you think and I promise to let you know if I ever need you to bring the subject up again".

Don't think you'd have to say it too often before they all got the message.

ffs i hate this what a bloody rude quetion

you woldnt ask someone when theyre gtting a tummy tuck coz theyre fat

I get asked a lot of very personal medical questions and have started replying “why do you ask? That’s a bit of a personal question”

Agree with all those posters who say it's rude and too personal.

I have a friend, much younger than me, who has two children and got divorced two years ago but is now in another relationship. Another friend of mine keeps asking me when she is going to have another child with this partner. I just give her a withering look and say "I have no idea and I would never even consider asking [young friend] as it's too private.

Some people have no tact and diplomacy whatsoever.

My husband used to do this to people all the time until a.good friend.turn round and said 'I can't have children, please stop asking' and walked out. Dh was devistated. Friend came back 10mins later and told him she had lied but wanted to make the point to him how horrible and rude he was being but hadn't listned in he past when he had been told.. He never did it again

I think the best way of dealing with this is to give a vague answer and then carefully explain to the person asking the question that in future they shouldn't ask people that question because it might upset them and because they might be offended.

Rude person 'When are you going to have kids?'
You 'Oh I don't know we haven't thought about it. By the way, You need to be careful asking people questions like that. I'm sure you wouldn't want people to think you are nosy and I'm really sure you wouldn't want to risk upsetting someone. I know someone who kept getting asked if she was pregnant when she had just found out she was Infertile. Imagine how she must have felt. I don't think you can ask people such personal questions these day. What do you think'

Blah, blah, blah......

Or something like that.

Thank you everyone 😊 some good suggestions on here