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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - presents for each others' family

61 replies

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 12:55

DP and I have been together a few years and this year we're going to spend a few days with each side of our families over Christmas. We don't live together and don't share finances. I earn more, but this year I lost my job, accrued debts, and then got a lower-paid job so I'm really struggling. He doesn't earn a lot but is a voracious saver and has a lot put by. I currently have about £250/month to pay for food, travel, etc (have been saving for Christmas for months though).

On my side, it's my single mother. On his it's his mum, dad, brother and SIL.

DP expects me to buy a present for each of his side, from a list. Each are about £30, so I'd be spending £120. My mother isn't so strict and he'll probably get her a bottle of £10 wine. I will get her more, probably spending about £100. I've budgeted all year to afford Christmas.

AIBU to think it's not fair that he expects me to spend more on his family than my own, and that he'll spend about 1/10th on my family compared to what he expects me to spend on his?

I've suggested we just get presents for our own families and say all gifts are joint, but he's not up for it (because it'd cost him more).

I don't want to look like a Scrooge by turning up empty-handed, but I really can't afford it without it seriously impacting on me next year. FWIW I'd happily not go to his family's, nice as they are, but it seems churlish to refuse when I would otherwise just be sat at home.

OP posts:

TiklyBooYack · 01/12/2017 13:11

Is he telling you the gifts required are about £30 each? I'd tell him to fuck off and not be so ridiculous. Give a nice box of chocs or wine each. Crazy that he would think you have to spend £30 when you're skint.

MrsJayy · 01/12/2017 13:11

So he will buy your poor mum a tenner bottle of wine ? and think that is fine. This isn't abput what you earn he earns it is about him being a greedy yet stingy bastard,

Original poster

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 13:12

honeylulu sounds like my situation is similar to yours. Your proposal of both buying for your own family and signing all gift cards as joint is what I want.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 01/12/2017 13:18

Either he agrees to buying gifts for his family on behalf of you both or......finish with him and save yourself money and any further disappointment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2017 13:19

He boys for his side, you buy for yours. Do you think if it was the other way around and you had more relatives than he did he'd be suggesting you buy for each other's or your own?

Who earns what in your current set up is completely irrelevant. You don't live together so what's yours is yours.

His greediness and penny pinching is very unattractive and it's good you've been able to see it before getting any more committed. I wouldn't be happy at all and I'd be making serious changes to the dynamic and playing things by ear over Christmas with a view to walking away from him and finding someone who is a bit nicer in the new year.

On the one hand I'd say take a host gift, like a plant or wine/food as has been suggested. On the other hand, no, fuck it, if you weren't together he'd have to buy for all of them so he buy them what they want or turn up empty handed.

Tell him his suggestion doesn't work for you, don't say sorry, and say you'll sort your Mum, he sorts his lot and it's not up for discussion.

Original poster

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 13:23

You're all right.

I have dug myself a hole by going along with it in the past (I genuinely do enjoy buying presents and spending money when I have it!).

I will say I'll get my family's presents and he gets his, and we each get a plant and a bottle to say thanks to each others' families for hosting us.

OP posts:

Beachtime · 01/12/2017 13:24

He's being unreasonable. You don't dictate how much someone must spend on someone else for a present!

Fwiw - BF and I have been together around 5 years, lived together for 3 and neither of us buy presents for the others family as we're only 'boyfriend and girlfriend' I'd probably only expect for us to get the others family stuff if we were engaged / married - Although we're probably unusual!

MumW · 01/12/2017 13:30

Hang on a minute, his parents will buy for you jointly and his Brother & sister will by for you as a couple. He's got no valid argument for you not sending gifts jointly.

I would say that you each buy for your side of the family and hointly sign the card and then you take a bottle of wine when you visit his parents and he takes a bottle to you mum when you go there which is pretty standard practise when invited for a special meal.

I also agree with PPs who say think carefully about his attitude to money. Inconsistencies between spending habits are bound to end in resentment/arguments in the future.

Ellendegeneres · 01/12/2017 13:32

What an absolute piss taker. He is so loving the thought of you going broke over this bloody set gift list, I'd be telling him actually, having given it more thought after what he's said he can go alone and you'll spend the entire period with your own family.
Why bother with him? He doesn't care that this ridiculous list will make you suffer and go without, doesn't reciprocate now you're in a worse financial position than he is- bet you in a year when you're doing better again financially he'll be spending it for you.
He's shown himself to be there for your money. Whatever the relationship looks like aside from this, it'd be enough to kill my feelings for someone like this.

Love51 · 01/12/2017 13:38

As you don't share finances, he doesn't get to decide what you spend your money on, surely?
Remembering back to our separate finances days, I think I helped him choose his sisters, as he found it tricky and we got on well, we financed our own families, I taught him to wrap, and we stuck both names on the tag. Aside from me finding an adult who couldn't wrap, I think that's about normal.

Original poster

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 13:38

I don't think it's as calculated as it seems... I think he's seen it as me entering the family as another 'child' who therefore has the same arrangement as he does. If my mum asked for a £30 gift, I'm sure he'd buy it, but that's not really our way.

In the past I've been happy to spend lots and have basically volunteered it because I could afford to. But now I can't.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/12/2017 13:44

DP expects me to buy a present for each of his side, from a list

Just weird. When one of your dc's partners come into the family, then any gifts (Christmas, Birthday, whatever) come from 'the couple'. It really is not normal for 2 halves of a couple to give separate gifts to family members.

However, the far bigger issue is the fact he is happy to take from you in the good times, but not happy to support you in the bad.

IceFall · 01/12/2017 13:48

No way, you aren’t a present buying unit.

I’d tell him to tell his family that you’re a bit skint this year so are going to opt out fo gift giving. Then if you go just take a box of chocs or a plan to or something as a ‘host’ gift.

He’s tight as fuck!

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2017 13:50

It doesn't matter if it's not calculated, circumstances have changed and he's been deeply unreasonable to expect you to spend money you can't afford on HIS relatives. It's obvious that with less income you can't afford to splash out like you have in the past. It was daft to get into a dynamic where, without living together or properly blending finances (which would have made you life easier now that you have less left to play with, but instead of offering to help you out now he's dictating how you spend your money) you've been propping him up while he's been saving all his money for himself.

Please don't be a pushover and make it clear that times have changed and he's being a bellend.

It would be awful to discover he's really been after your money, but better sooner than later.

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/12/2017 13:53

Just don’t go to his family’s bit, he’s a dick anyway so ditch him before it’s an issue.. how dare he be so arrogant and selfish?

Namechangetempissue · 01/12/2017 13:57

If you feel you must buy presents, I would buy each person a small gift (some good sales on at the moment) and tell him to mind his own bloody business about how much they cost.
In all honesty though, I would be questioning the relationship prospects long term and probably wouldn't go to his family celebrations with his attitude.

Original poster

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 14:05

I can't really buy off-list tempissue

Boyfriend once bought his brother some last minute chocolates and it "ruined Christmas" because they were the wrong type...

OP posts:

Original poster

JulietJuliet · 01/12/2017 14:08

I have wider family members to buy for too btw, five of them including children, which is costing me about £100. I don't expect him to contribute to those presents (and they won't get him presents).

He doesn't have wider family to buy for.

It's just so expensive!

OP posts:

TheMerryWidow1 · 01/12/2017 14:09

I don't live with my partner either so I buy for my side and put his name on it and he does the same for his side, sorted!! and then we can independently decide what to spend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2017 14:19

Boyfriend once bought his brother some last minute chocolates and it "ruined Christmas" because they were the wrong type

Of FFS. What a bunch of childish twats. Why are you spending your Christmas with them? Bin them off and have a nice time with your Mum.

Bloody hell. At least you can see where he gets his ridiculous ideas from.

fromtheshires · 01/12/2017 14:19

If money is tight, money is tight. You shouldnt put yourself into debt or struggle for one day of the year and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. Tell him you cant afford it and its either small presents or joint presents.

I think you two need to have a sit down and a head to head on the finances. My DH used to spend like there was no tomorrow with lavish gifts etc as he earned (and stil ldoes) substantially more than me. Although they were nice presents, I appreciate the smaller more thoughtful presents, especially the handmade / just for you crafted ones

Namechangetempissue · 01/12/2017 14:24

No YOU CAN buy off list op. It is your money, you buy and spend what you like. You can choose to buy fuck all if you like -I would be tempted in this situation. No decent person would be pissed off to receive a small present if they knew the buyer had limited funds/job issues -in fact I would be bloody embarrassed and insist they didn't buy at all. Be nice to yourself OP and ditch the dickhead

FinallyHere · 01/12/2017 14:37

Boyfriend once bought his brother some last minute chocolates and it "ruined Christmas" because they were the wrong type...

I think you might have had a narrow squeak there. Sack him off and find yourself someone lovely, someone who when you read threads on MN, you think 'glad mine's not like that' rather than asking and being assured that it really isn't OK that he,s happy for you to splash that cash when you have more (and are generous, while he saves) but wants you to be 'another adult' in his family. This is all about him looking good around his family, which is always a turn off. Then I read the bit about the gift of the wrong kind of chocolates ruining Christmas...

Steer clear, and be glad you saw this before you have children together. He sounds the type to expect you to continue paying 50:50 while you are on maternity leave and that childcare costs are yours, while he continues to build his savings.

I don't usually refer to articles behind paywalls, but Caitlin Moran had a brilliant article this week, about picking good 'uns when picking a mate for life. All the best.

RaspberryBeret34 · 01/12/2017 14:38

This seems a big red flag to me! You're a generous person (when cash available, understandably). He is not generous yet still expects to benefit from your generosity .

I think your way, buy for your own families, make presents joint plus a hosting present of wine etc is totally reasonable.

Or if you want a compromise, could you split the costs and make all presents joint. So, £100 for your mum plus £120 for all his family = £220. Split 50/50, you pay £110 each.

Caroelle · 01/12/2017 14:43

I would get a bunch of flowers and a good bottle of wine for each couple. £120 is ridiculous when it is half on your monthly disposable income. Suggest that he gets the same for your mum. If he doesn’t like it, where is this relationship going?

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