How much help should I expect from DH whilst on maternity?

[PeppersTheCat]

Just that really.

While I'm on maternity leave (6 months long), am I expected to do all the babycare 24/7 or is it reasonable to expect DH to help out? He works full time but works from home most days (academic). Currently he takes the baby for 60-90 minutes per day, and I do all the other hours including all night feeds.

To be fair, he does most household chores, but I'd be willing to do some of that if he held the baby!

My dh works from home full time. He takes kids to school and picks them up several times a week. Plus clocks off at 5.30 and then everything is shared. When next baby arrives he will bounce baby on his knee, etc whilst I shower and eat, he will take him or her each Fri afternoon whilst I go for a swim. Will also look after while I do school runs or want to pop out.

Some people find working from home hard as they never know when work ends and home life begins. They can never switch off. But not sitting with you on evenings and barely spending time with you or the baby is odd. When is family time? When is your time together, when is his time with baby and when is your time alone? All these things are important

He should be at least 50% of cleaning and night feeds, and taking the baby from at a minimum 5pm. And doing the full care during weekends so you get a break (including all housework otherwise it's not a break)

With DC1, DP used to always give me a few hours sleep 9pm-midnight (he is a night owl anyway!!). I'd do the rest of the night though as he'd be up for work by 7am.

He would take over for an hour when he got in from work as well so I could have a bath / do something away from baby.

Chores we split... I'd of course do more when he was out the house. Weekends he would do a massive clean..

DC2 was your classic Velcro baby. I'd be lucky if she would settle for an hour with DP in the evening. He was willing, ready and able to do his bit and baby just wanted me.

Hoping DC3 (due in 9 weeks) is like our first.

He really isn't working all those hours. If he is he really isn't being very effective is he? My husband and I are academics and I know absolutely no one who works like that. When we had the children he was with me as much as he could be. Always stopped work at 5pm (he worked from home whenever he could), made me food, brought me drinks and let me nap whenever he could. Does your husband work like that at the weekends as well? You really need to talk to him and find out what on earth is going on.

This isn’t the division of tasks & childcare. It’s thats he’s physically/emotionally unavailable

More help than that! That’s appalling, it doesn’t sound like he’s engaging at all.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling depressed. This is worth mentioning to your HV as it’s not normal behaviour and sounds like he’s not dealing with the situation at all.

DH had 2 weeks off paternity and was very hands on, I hardly lifted a finger.
He Went back to work FT, 8-6 6 days a week, I cook, clean, play with baby ,do school run when he's in work,
Then family time when he's home, we share most stuff between us, don't have specific roles!

Your husband is full of sh*t OP.

Dp does main bulk of child care when he is home from work .

I spend my evenings having a bath, reading, and chatting to DP (making plans as holidays and wedding coming up)

We split cooking 50/50.

He does most of the general cleaning and maintenance of the house.

I do the admin bits.

I generally do clothes washing.

That is totally unnecessary for work and dickhead behaviour when you have a young baby. He should be out by 6 every single day to start helping. I wonder what kind of random crap his phone and computer internet search engine shows... I'm not suggesting porn etc but he's doing something be it reading every article on the daily mail .there is no way he is hard at work all that time.

If he won't come out, walk in, hand him the baby and say I'm just having a shower. Repeat a few hours later for cleaning. Then at 5:30 for dinner.

I think he should be helping out more. I used to hand baby over to my DH as soon as he came home, so I could have a nap/break from the colic induced screaming. I tried to do a bit of food prep during the day (like a salad while baby was in the sling) but we mainly lived off ready meals and cold food the first 6 months. I didn't do much cleaning (didn't have the energy) so we had a cleaner. I did do all night feeds on DH's work nights though. He slept in a different room as he needed to be alert for work.

Once baby was happy to play or watch TV without being held, I took on more housework and started cooking again. Now she's a toddler and I work PT, I do all the housework and cooking as she can play independently!

You both need to time to yourselves and time with the baby.

You need to talk to him about this. Your relationship is beginning to suffer and if you both let this happen, resentment will creep in and eventually you will both reach the point of no return in terms of getting back what ye first had.