Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How much help should I expect from DH whilst on maternity?

63 replies

PeppersTheCat · 30/11/2017 21:53

Just that really.

While I'm on maternity leave (6 months long), am I expected to do all the babycare 24/7 or is it reasonable to expect DH to help out? He works full time but works from home most days (academic). Currently he takes the baby for 60-90 minutes per day, and I do all the other hours including all night feeds.

To be fair, he does most household chores, but I'd be willing to do some of that if he held the baby!

OP posts:

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/11/2017 22:32

When my partner finishes work (works from home too) he takes the baby while I cook/clean. Baby is 7 months now so we both rest when he is in bed, but first 4 months with a colicy baby was hell. We just lived in squalor and took it in turns to hold the baby or let him sleep on us. Never gone through anything as stressful as that before in a relationship!

MeadowHay · 30/11/2017 22:32

How could he possibly be working in the study until past 1am presumably from early in the morning every single day? DF used to be an academic and this was some time ago tbf and he didn't often work from home, but I still don't see how that can be possible. I mean presumably he isn't being paid hourly for all those hours so even if he was working all those hours he won't be getting paid any extra and that would be surely far beyond his contract? I know academics often have to work significantly beyond their contractual hours these days and I have read about the increasing problems of their job security etc so I know it can be really tough nowadays, but that still sounds utterly beyond ridiculous

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/11/2017 22:34

He should be keeping you fed and watered if you are ebf.

Thetreesareallgone · 30/11/2017 22:35

I bet he's convinced you all academics do this. It is not true. I am one and I don't work most evenings at all, as I have to take care of my children, like he should be doing. Even with long working hours, he shouldn't be living in his room! On weekends, with an urgent deadline, I might work mornings til 12, then have the rest of the day together. And that's in crisis periods. The rest of the time, I'm cooking, cleaning, looking after my children, you know, like normal people.

I think a chat about how he thinks life with a family is going to proceed is in order, but don't take any shit about how he HAS to behave like this. No, he doesn't, and none of the women academics (including professors) behave like this, because their partners wouldn't indulge or enable it.

Parker231 · 30/11/2017 22:40

Just go into the study and pass the baby to him - he can do the evenings whilst you have a break, bath, go for a run, catch up on sleep etc.

PatriciaHolm · 30/11/2017 22:41

Why do you put up with it?

It's his baby too. Sounds like he's checked out of entire relationship.

AnonEvent · 30/11/2017 22:45

To be honest, your current situation doesn't sound like it's to do with the baby, instead it seems to be your DH's retraction from family life as a whole.

DH and I split shared parental leave in half, I took the first six months, he took the later set. When he was working I tended to a majority of night wakings during the week and he covered the weekend, and vice versa. Now we're both back at work we split it approx 50/50 (though he is a lighter sleeper so often wakes up before me).

We split household chores about equally (he hoovers, I tidy and mop, he washes up, I do most of the clothes washing, it all evens out).

We both have a decent amount of stress and responsibility at work. And even when both of us are determined to give our best to our daughter there are hard times, illnesses, sleepless nights, the stress of taking time off work when DD can't go to nursery. I can't even imagine how hard it'd be if I felt like I was doing it alone. It doesn't have to be that way!

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 30/11/2017 22:52

I feel so depressed :( I was expecting everyone to tell me IWBU

OP posts:

Ropsleybunny · 30/11/2017 22:58

I hate the word help in this context. It assumes everything is your responsibility and if he does anything to care for his own child, he’s helping you.

I would expect him to want to do stuff for his child. There are evenings and weekends for him to be involved in childcare. He needs to step up.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/11/2017 23:03

Also don't like the help word. He should be sharing the care of his baby.

geekone · 30/11/2017 23:03

I don't think it sounds that bad to be honest. Working from home isn't relaxing away in a room on your own it's still difficult and stressful and like anyone he will need a break. So will you but if he is doing most of the house work and 60-90 minutes of childcare and working 8 hours a day I think that seems normal and healthy. Do you spend time together when baby is in bed?

I did all the night feeds on mat leave but as soon as I was back at work whoever heard crying first got up to see what was wrong my DH did half stories and bed time always I always have cooked and he does 80% housework. It's not discussed it's just s parenting partnership. When he came home he wanted baby time now it's coming home and taking DS to football etc
It doesn't sound so bad to me.

geekone · 30/11/2017 23:04

Oh I agree it's not help it's parenting.

Viviennemary · 30/11/2017 23:06

Even if he works from home he is 'at work' and can't really be expected to do childcare at those times IMHO. However after he clocks off then he should help with childcare and household duties. He shouldn't be in his office till 1 am.

vlooby · 30/11/2017 23:21

My husband is an academic. If at home, he works 9-5.30. Takes over for a bit until 7-7.30 when she goes to bed. We do our own thing for 30-45 mins before we eat.
I do most housework because it fits in, but he pulls his weight. Doesn't work most weekends.

Originalfoogirl · 30/11/2017 23:38

Wouldn’t you just sit and have a chat with him about it?

Urubu · 01/12/2017 00:54

Same as arethereanyleftatall , after a day with a baby I am happy to do housework while he gives a bottle or whatever is needed. DH likes it this way as well, he'd rather have sole time with a baby that he hasn't seen all day than clean the house (I'm not really giving him a choice though )

baxtersmum · 01/12/2017 01:18

We are only 4 weeks in but I do 'the night shift' Mon-Thurs (as well as during the day) and my husband takes over when he gets in from work (6-10pm roughly). I try to have dinner ready when he's home (eating much earlier than we used to) and I go to bed between 7.30-8.00 either to sleep or read/unwind. He brings baby to me after last feed just after 10. Some nights I have more sleep than others it's a lottery. I'd like him to do the 6.30/7am feed to feel like I have a break but doesn't work with his working hours. He sleeps in other room Mon-Thurs at the moment which we both find hard but he really does his fair share on evenings and weekends. He still hasn't done a whole night though I wish he would so he has some idea of the relentlessness of it all!
If he was squirrelled away all night it wouldn't be acceptable to me. It takes two to make a baby! I still feel guilty though because he's at work all day in a stressful job but he always says I shouldn't and he doesn't expect any chores done during the day even though I do aim to do 2/3 things a day. He says he's coming back to the bedroom when the baby sleeps 4-5 hour stretch at night but again I'd be expected to do the getting up over night! Weekends when he comes back it's actually really weird
OP do you have an opportunity to get out without the baby on the weekend and just tell him he's got to look after the baby for x amount of hours? I've not done it yet but arranging something with a friend for a few weeks time. Husband is supportive and I think it'll do me the world of good. Can you be a bit more assertive with him and tell him what you need? Good luck.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 01/12/2017 02:40

And I suppose you’re not an academic so he’s convinced you that what he’s doing is so brain intensive that he needs to be working these insane hours and all weekends.

And he’s a lazy lump of lard. From lowly PhD students like myself to senior professors like my supervisor, academia is super flexible especially if you’re non-lab based as your DH clearly is. No human being is working those hours - he’s just using it as an excuse to get out of parenting. He should work 9-5 or 8-4 everyday and the rest of the time should split parenting and household duties.

When is your break otherwise?

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/12/2017 14:21

I'm on ML and DC is 5 months.
I'm BF so am on night duty - but get a lie in one day every weekend. We take turns bathing baby (other one tidied up dinner). He has bonding time with baby while I cook (he also cooks once a week).
I do food shop, he does bins, hoovering. Cleaning I currently do 80% but he does some at weekends.
Once our oldest DC is in bed and baby is napping we have an hour to be adults together. I find I do get resentful if we don't spend any time together.
It's not perfect but am enjoying it till I return to work as I know it's going to get harder.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/12/2017 14:31

I would say taking an EBF baby for 90 minutes a day when working full time is okay for a weekday but def longer at the weekend. It's not so much the time with the baby, it's the time with you that's the problem. He should be spending some time talking to you and sitting with you even if not with the baby.

Is he actually working? Or gaming? Or talking to another woman online?

Danceswithwarthogs · 01/12/2017 14:39

I feel for you...

You will both enjoy parenthood more if he gets involved and you get a break and you manage to snatch some time together too. Hiding in his study all the time is not healthy for family life, or your marriage

Have you tried talking about how you feel?

Jerseysilkvelour · 01/12/2017 14:46

The problem isn't that he's not helping with the baby is it though, as you've said he was doing it before baby arrived. I'm not surprised you've only discovered the problem now baby is here, it seems quite common. People expect a miraculous change in the OH once baby is born, only to be left holding the proverbial and literal baby. A PP said he seems to have checked out of the relationship, sounds about right to me.

BellyBean · 01/12/2017 15:15

I'd say 60/90 mins in the week is ok, but he should really be available most of the day at the weekend, and spend some time with you in the evening.

Is he doing a PhD or something at the same time as lecturing etc? It seems mad to choose to stay in his study til 1am!

Icallbullshit3 · 01/12/2017 15:22

Not normal. My husband is a lecturer at a university and sometimes he does work a few hours in the evening once or twice a week... but usually he is present from 6pm at the latest and helps with everything.

Merryhobnobs · 01/12/2017 15:28

My husband is an academic. Whilst I was on maternity leave he would get up with the baby, give her 1st bottle then get me up. I would then have baby 8am - 5/6pm. He would then take our colicky screamy baby and I would cook tea. I then used to go to bed about 8.30pm/9pm and he would take care of baby until she went down about 10/11pm. I would then do all the night stuff - she was a terrible sleeper. I would try to keep on top of all the light housework but we would do more together at weekends. When I went back to work the baby didn't scream in evenings anymore and went to bed closer to 7pm and on the days we both work we both do nights - although admittedly I do more. He tends to get up with her at least on a sat or sun to let me have a lie in. Our girl isn't the best sleeper and I still do bulk of the child stuff but he is very hands on and definitely pulls his weight.

Flip

1 2 3