AIBU to override DDs dad on this?

[Iamclearlyamug]

Little bit of background first. DD is almost 6, me and EXH split up just over 2 years ago. He has her regularly, pays maintenance and most of the time we co-parent effectively and get on like a house on fire (arguably far better than when we were married).

DD suffers from alopecia and has lost around 60% of her hair. For those who don't know there is very little medical intervention for alopecia - it may or may not grow back, it may or may not get worse, and if it does grow back it may or may not fall out again.

So, DD is now at an age where other kids at school are starting to stare at her, as far as we know there's no bullying or nastiness, but she is finding it a big strain and is losing confidence fast. Of course we work on this constantly telling her she's beautiful whatever and that her hair doesn't define her, but at age 5 all she understands is that her hair looks difference to everyone else's. School are supportive and wouldn't tolerate her being bullied however there's not much they can do about staring!

We are under the paediatric dermatologist at our local hospital and the hope is that eventually she will be referred for a wig, but this takes a LONG time and they like to box-tick first - we've gone through the hell of steroids etc already without any success.

A national charity has offered to help her in the meantime by providing a wig. DD is thrilled, as am I and all the family - we love her no matter what of course, but we want her to be happy and comfortable.

Now my AIBU...EXH is on board with the charity thing, however he doesn't feel that her hair is bad enough to warrant the changeover, and wants me to arrange the consultation, making and fitting of the wig - but then tell DD she can't have it! My opinion is that we should make changes BEFORE any bullying starts, he thinks she needs to toughen up and just learn to deal with it until it gets really dreadful, and then she can have the wig.

AIBU to override him on this? Sorry this is really long and I've probably still left things out, so if you need me to answer more questions then just ask!

YANBU. But try and get him to see sense rather than overriding him. You don’t want it to be something he withholds from her while she’s in his care.

Would the wig damage the hair she still has or make it fall out faster? That's the only reason I could think for delaying it

Trojans I think he kind of wants to have it there ready for when it's 'bad enough' - only I feel that if people are starting to stare and it's bothering her, then it already is 'bad enough'. We clearly have differing opinions on that.

As PPs have said, we are INCREDIBLY lucky that the charity want to help us and I'm so grateful to them - I'd be mortified if he refused to let her wear it. Just hoping that he'll see what a difference it makes to her and come around

He wants her to go through everything thinking she's getting a wig and then not let her have it?!? He needs a kick in the crotch...

It is far better for there not to be a big difference from one day to the next, otherwise your DD will still feel self conscious. Far better to have the wig now, so that her hair doesn't look all that different, than to be nigh on bald, and then come in the next day with a full head of hair. It would attract more attention that way.

I would honestly lay it down like this

You, dear husband, do not know what it is like to be a girl

You are thinking of yourself at five, obsessed with football, or poo, or your penis, or whatever it is 5 year old boys think about. Not your hair though, because nobody looks at a five year old boy's hair. Boys regualrly have skinheads and nobody bats an eye. Girls do not do this. Girls admire and touch each other's hair. They play with their dolls' hair. They collect hair accessories. To five year olds, girls without hair are boys. Boys have penises, girls have hair.

Hair is a five year old little girl's link to her gender identity. It makes them feel like a girl. How many balding princesses does he fucking know? And why would he want to strip her of her dignity just because he doesn't understand it?

And OP, there really is no "I hope he will come around"

He allows her the dignity of a wig or you kick him the fuck out. This is that important.

Your ex is a twat.

If he feels her hair isn't bad enough to justify a wig, why even put her through the consultations etc?

But that apart, YES - get her a wig NOW before her confidence is destroyed and she becomes a withdrawn, under-acheiving little soul with no self-esteem, who will go through life feeling crap and being bullied and then advantage of by everybody because she feels less than anyone else. (Yes - personal experience )

Becotide - I can see where you’re coming from, but believe me the picture you paint of what 5yo girls get up to isn’t a universal one. I had (still do) bleddy awkward hair that resists most styling. My DM wasn’t interested in working for her DD trying to fit in aesthetically, and cut my hair in a boaktatious 50s side parting style. (In hindsight, I can forgive her for the lack of effort in helping me to be like the other, long-haired girls, but not for that ). Yes, I was a bit wistful of the multitude of sparkly hair bobbles I never got, and the chat as they dressed each others’ hair. I didn’t play with dolls either. But I never thought of myself as other than a girl, and I don’t think others did either.

He needs a kick in the crotch

WTF? He sounds like a good, concerned parent with a different opinion. There is no need to be a violent dick about it.

I taught a girl who arrived at secondary school wearing a wig. She looked totally normal, better than normal, in fact. It was a shoulder length blonde bob with a fringe. Only her form tutor and the Games Staff were informed. I never heard of any accidents. I dread to think what her life would have been like without it. Not because of bullying, necessarily, but simply because she would always have stood out and identified by her lack of hair.

It's fuck all to do with anyone but your DD. It's HER body! It's not like she wants a tattoo or piercing!

Let her decide. If she wears it, great, if not, that's great too.

I'd be more worried that if she wants it now and he says no, that her confidence may become that low, that when he eventually decides she can have the wig, it might not boost her confidence back up.

I think she needs now as an option and to decide what she's comfortable with, not having her confidence knocked out of her and unable to get it back.

I can see why he's your ex. That behaviour of going through the process of getting it made and fitted then told she can't have it just smacks of controlling and almost bullying behaviour.

Tiny: He has a stupid and wrong opinion, that he needs to be made fully aware is irrelevant and is not to be brought up again.

In fact, he needs to be told that if he makes any attempt to disrupt his DD's wearing of the wig she wants, contact might be stopped.

You’re absolutely right to give her the decision. He obviously has his reasons but they don’t make any sense.