AIBU to override DDs dad on this?

[Iamclearlyamug]

Little bit of background first. DD is almost 6, me and EXH split up just over 2 years ago. He has her regularly, pays maintenance and most of the time we co-parent effectively and get on like a house on fire (arguably far better than when we were married).

DD suffers from alopecia and has lost around 60% of her hair. For those who don't know there is very little medical intervention for alopecia - it may or may not grow back, it may or may not get worse, and if it does grow back it may or may not fall out again.

So, DD is now at an age where other kids at school are starting to stare at her, as far as we know there's no bullying or nastiness, but she is finding it a big strain and is losing confidence fast. Of course we work on this constantly telling her she's beautiful whatever and that her hair doesn't define her, but at age 5 all she understands is that her hair looks difference to everyone else's. School are supportive and wouldn't tolerate her being bullied however there's not much they can do about staring!

We are under the paediatric dermatologist at our local hospital and the hope is that eventually she will be referred for a wig, but this takes a LONG time and they like to box-tick first - we've gone through the hell of steroids etc already without any success.

A national charity has offered to help her in the meantime by providing a wig. DD is thrilled, as am I and all the family - we love her no matter what of course, but we want her to be happy and comfortable.

Now my AIBU...EXH is on board with the charity thing, however he doesn't feel that her hair is bad enough to warrant the changeover, and wants me to arrange the consultation, making and fitting of the wig - but then tell DD she can't have it! My opinion is that we should make changes BEFORE any bullying starts, he thinks she needs to toughen up and just learn to deal with it until it gets really dreadful, and then she can have the wig.

AIBU to override him on this? Sorry this is really long and I've probably still left things out, so if you need me to answer more questions then just ask!

I think your XH probably doesn't have any idea what it's like to be a little girl who really wants to fit in.

I'm guessing once the she has the wig and he realises how it helps her he will feel better about her wearing it.

It would take a very cruel person to forbid her to wear it, if she always has it, I'm guessing he will see reason.

Poor little girl. I hope it does grow back or that she can cope with it. Could she wear pretty bandanas or bows and stuff? Sorry if it's not a great suggestion, but it might help.

I think his intentions are good but misguided.
In one way he is right. Your DD is beautiful just the way she is. She shouldn't have to change to suit other people

This post makes me angry. Your husband doesn’t understand how self confidence works.

What if she cries every week, is it bad enough then?
What is she starts refusing to go out, is it bad enough then?
What if she cries every day, is it bad enough then?
What if she stops crying and says “it’s oksy, I know I’m ugly” is it bad enough then?
What if she says she wishes she were dead? Is it bad enough then?

Oh it is bad enough then? Cool. Pop the wig on then, problem solved.

He’s an idiot and completely without empathy. He will wreak his child’s confidence with his stupid cruel approach.

Override him. Tell him you have listened to his opinion but he doesn't get the right of veto as it is not his hair. And that he is not to comment to DD about it.
Hopefully he is a decent enough bloke to suck this up, though I would be on the lookout for future issues. Some men are fine until they don't get their own way (even over something trivial) and all of a sudden, the idea of a woman being disobedient sets them off on a path of serious willywaving.

OP I'm going to PM you on this as can relate and have some good advice on specialists/how to cover the problem/building resilience.

And, yes, of course she's still lovely, but it is difficult to be a girl in a world of long/bouncy hair when yours is falling out unevenly and you have a bald head like a medieval monk. People look twice and look again. It's also very unusual. It's very difficult.

OP, I spent twenty-three years (ages 11 to 34) with very little hair. I didn't wear a wig because I felt that made me stand out even more to my peers. My family were not very supportive, and certainly didn't reassure me that I was beautiful as I was! What I remember most about the time when the problem was resolved and I had hair again was that nobody looked at me - and I was delighted! I was so used to disgusted stares.
You sound like you are doing great - let your DD decide what makes her comfortable and take her lead, whilst continuing to reassure her that she is fab as she is. Tell your ex that, unless you have been on the receiving end of the stares, it is easy to underestimate the deep effect they can have. He sees DD as his lovely DD, gorgeous in every way, which is exactly right. Unfortunately others often do not deal sensitively with someone who looks different, and he needs to understand that, and help her to feel as comfortable as possible. Good luck to you all.

I'd override him OR suggest to him your DD decides (as someone else suggested) - once she has it, she may decide the wig is too much hassle to wear all the time. It is up to DD to decide her coping strategies with this and if her coping strategy is a wig then that is fine! It doesn't mean she won't also "toughen up and learn to deal with" things. The wig might give her the confidence to do be tough. She might just save it for special occasions but either way it should be your DDs choice. she's clearly thrilled about the idea so that has to be the route you go. How will she feel if it is dangled in front of her then ripped away?! It would be cruel of him to do that.

you DO.. whatever your Darling Daughter wants to DO.... it's your Daughter who lives with this... NOT her Dad...

Right, so, it may "toughen her up". Or it may crush her spirit, sap all joy and dampen her confidence for many years to come.

Just ask him if he wants to chance it.

I was a child who was different and other kids used to stare at me and ask questions. I hated it and wished and wished I could be the same as everyone else.
If you have never been in that position you have no idea how demoralising it is and how it impacts on your self confidence and self worth. Who knows what effect being different is already having on your DD?

I would show your Ex this thread and absolutely get her the wig.You don't want to be dealing with mental health issues further down the line.

He's made his point.

Now. All you need to do for your lovely daughter is to get the wig. Hope you get good advice regarding it from some lovely posters on here.

Most of my dd's class have bum length hair. Many of them absolutely adore hair. My dd's hair is about 3 inches past her shoulders and it's considered short.
I agree that if she wants the wig then she should have it.

I think rather than override her dad try to get him to see your dd POV and if he can't then override him.

Oh poor poor little thing.

No. He is so utterly wrong here. I'd go further - it isn't even a case of her hair being 'bad enough' or whatever. This wig - which she WILL need anyway so what is the bloody difference! - shouldn't be seen as some sort of prosthetic.

No - if you are going to really do your best to make sure this doesn't take away your DD's confidence then it needs to be seen as much more than that. This isn't a functional, replace-the-hair thing. It's going to need to be a tool through which your DD gets to grips with her alopecia and comes out on top. When she's 16, you're going to want to be looking at a confident, happy girl whose wig is her friend - the wig she can pull off laughing in front of her friends, the feature that she's made 'hers'. The sooner she has a wig and is introduced to the idea that she has something special, that she may only have it because of her hair loss but that it's also an amazing, interesting, special thing to have the better. Make the fitting exciting and happy. She can have any hair she wants now. Wigs are brilliant.

Or, you could wait until she is suffering and then introduce the wig to a child who already hates thinking about hair as a means of patching up, a sorry cover-up. Wait until she's already had the experience of bullying and is nicely beaten down by that to make sure that she doesn't feel confident about carrying anything off, let alone anythingto do with her hair.

No contest. Her dad is way, way off beam with the approach you need to take here.

What a twat

Over ride op

Shivers uncontrollably at the thought of getting head lice out of primary school children's bum length hair. Weekly.

Your ex isn’t thinking this through, even leaving aside the bizarre thing about ‘toughening her up’. If she gets the wig before she’s lost all her hair, her classmates may well forget she ever even had a problem in time. Wait until she’s gone bald, and the sudden ‘reappearance ‘ of her hair is likely to be far more memorable.

Oh, and why is your ex expecting you to arrange the consultation then you to say no to DD? His idea, up to him to carry it through!

Sproglets this is EXACTLY what I think - i feel the appearance of a wig at the right time will mean the other kids don't even notice anything has changed. If we wait until she goes bald (oh god, I'm nearly in tears at the thought of what she'd think if it gets worse) and then do it, it will be blatantly obvious it's wig

Why on earth does he want her to go to all the consultations and fittings and then NOT GET THE WIG? The other part I can understand, but that bit just doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever.
As PP have said, this is a lot of money the charity have put into making this donation - to accept that and then say you're only going to wear the wig IF it gets better is outstandingly rude.
And to tell your daughter she's going to get a wig and then take it away from her is something she's going to remember for the rest of her life.
Whatever you decide to do, please God don't do that. Either accept the offer or don't, but don't let your daughter think she's getting one then take it away.

If it gets worse, obviously.

I have it on the top of my head and I can tell you now that your daughter will remember every remark someone passes about her hair.
I would do whats best for her and ask her what she wants to do. She might want one she might not or may change between various options. Its not your exs problem and he doesnt have to live with it.Ignore him.

(But yes, I agree with PP. At five, she's old enough to make this choice for herself. Maybe you could arrange a meeting with someone from the charity who could talk through some of this stuff with him and explain the difference a wig could make to her?)

Also, the idea of going all the way through the procedures and taking the wig away is ... odd. You might call it deliberate cruelty. You do need to put this man very firmly in his place, OP, so he doesn't stir things up further for your DD. Whatever his issues around wigs, hair loss or peer pressure, they are his problem and he mustn't be allowed to make them DD's problem.

Tell your ex to go have chunks of his hair shaved out entirely and have it dramatically thinned all over and to spend the next month like that, no hats. Perhaps in an early male pattern balding pattern.

I imagine he would feel very differently about the whole thing.

I feel the appearance of a wig at the right time will mean the other kids don't even notice anything has changed.

That would be my thinking - plus it could give a sense of control back - I can ware a wig or not while the hair loss is something she can't control.

The "toughening her up" idea is bad one - has potential to massive back fire.

So I'd try and convience him and if he won't budge override him and hope he sees a postive effect on her.