To blame my parents for my lifelong mental health issues?

[MentalMommy]

Which have massively ruined my life and caused me great suffering.

My father abandoned me leaving me with a mother who recently emailed me the following:

I was so terrified of you that I used to hide the knives and put cotton across the landing so I could hear you getting up in the night in case you tried to kill us. I was terrified you would try to hurt your brothers and sisters. You hated everybody. You are nothing but a disgusting, jealous nutcase.

She used to tell me similar from age 7/8 onwards. That is just a small example of her emotional abuse. My father knew what kind of a person she was, that's why he divorced her!

Is it any wonder I have suffered from OCD most of my life. I know OCD is said to be caused by numerous factors which come together but what a coincidence that I suffered 'Harm' OCD which had me considering suicide. It has ruined my career, my relationships and affected every facet of my life.

AIBU to wish there was an option to sue them for causing me intolerable pain and suffering?

I don't think you can sue them, I'm really not sure. Maybe books and help with Narc parents might help.

Hi OP - My mother was a monster, too. Very similar verbal abuse and game-playing. (Plus physical, emotional and I suspect even some Munchausen's). I get it. You can totally blame her, as it's the logical thing to do.

But it won't change anything.
You can't change your history.
You can't change your mother.
You CAN change how you react to them.
Believe it or not, you are hooked into a destructive cycle of behavioural patterns that only you have the power to change. I think seeing a counsellor is a brilliant thing to do. You can see it as a way to save yourself.
You don't have to continue to have a relationship with your extended family if it's not going to be a positive experience for you.
Your mother will NEVER admit to anything. Stop expecting a resolution. It is not coming and you are going to get bitter waiting for it.

albertellis.org/rebt-cbt-therapy/

From a professional point of view, holding on to anger and resentment is not going to help you, and will instead very much hold you back.

I would really reccomend looking into REBT to help you. I've added a link to some information for you on how it works.

Good luck OP.

I'm on my 7th year of therapy to deal with issues arising from my childhood. I've only just got to the point where I can acknowledge the terror I felt as a child when my mother 'lost it' and the hypervigilance to try to pick up the early warning signs. I've found Pete Walker's complex PTSD website and book very helpful together with coherence therapy ideas. The latter is the idea that your symptoms - blame, OCD, etc - are your way of protecting you from something worse.

I hear from your posts that, while you are acknowledging what your mother, in particular, did, you're actually struggling to stay with those feelings. I recognise that as I've spent a lot of time in therapy refusing to engage with the emotional truth that my mother was abusive. I knew it intellectually but emotionally i was hoping, on some level, that it was my fault because then I might be able to fix it and my mummy would love me. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to improve myself to that end.

As part this I've tried to be a better parent to my children but I've failed because i made mistakes, got cross with them etc.

Finally, after working very very hard, I'm in a place where I can recognise that what I have done is make a conscious choice to parent differently. In this I have absolutely succeeded and my children know they are loved and I'm there for them. Most importantly, they are not scared of me. It's taken huge amounts energy, has felt impossible at times and I've been to some very dark places along the way. But I'm finally able to be proud of myself and what I've achieved.

Allow yourself to sit with the blame and the rage. Write down what you hear. Be kind to yourself. Having children is enormously triggering, especially when you make the choice to give them what you didn't have and they take it for granted! It's actually a real credit to you that they do because it shows what a brilliant job you've done.

I think BrandNewHouse has the rub of it.

I was angry for years about the abusive and bullying behaviour of my inlaws. I did blame them. At our lowest point, when we were most needing some help, they accused us, isolated us and threatened us. and then tried to brush over it.

I was angry and hurt and it ate away and me and hurt my relationship with my husband as well.

It took 2 attempts at therapy to get through it. My lovely therapist let me get it all off my chest, and, as an uninvolved listener, was able to agree with my anger at our treatment....but then asked.....do you expect them to fix it? Do they care? Do they know? Will they admit it? What did their treatment of you actually cost you? And even if they were able and willing, what could they do to fix it?

She made me realise - they did not care or harbour any guilt and in fact had rewritten their narrative of events to alleviate any twinges of guilt they might have had.

What they had cost me was 2 years of my life, where I stayed, hidden and ashamed at rock bottom, too scared by their threats to get help for PND or my kids' SEN. And a fairly big tear in relationship with DH.

And then I realised there was nothing they could do to make amends for, or fix, that damage -we would have to do it. After a few years of hard work, we are back to firing on all cylinders, and working through all our mental health issues.

My therapist also helped me work out how best to continue (which, if any) relationships with inlaws that maximised protection of our mental health. So I worked hard to repair relationship with MIL, who is lovely despite her protecting of SIL, the family abuser, tolerate FIL who is a bit of an arse, and refuse to ever see SIL and BIL because I don't need that poison in my life. My DH takes the kids to a handful of family events that is a compromise that allows family peace to reign, lets our kids see their cousins, and also limits exposure to protect the kids from being hurt by how much closer grandparents are to their cousins, and means they won't inherit their disrespectful attitudes to me and DH.

So much happier that I took it into my own hands. They may have kicked us when we were down after decades of low level bullying but our mental health is our own responsibility...

Great post secretskill