To blame my parents for my lifelong mental health issues?

[MentalMommy]

Which have massively ruined my life and caused me great suffering.

My father abandoned me leaving me with a mother who recently emailed me the following:

I was so terrified of you that I used to hide the knives and put cotton across the landing so I could hear you getting up in the night in case you tried to kill us. I was terrified you would try to hurt your brothers and sisters. You hated everybody. You are nothing but a disgusting, jealous nutcase.

She used to tell me similar from age 7/8 onwards. That is just a small example of her emotional abuse. My father knew what kind of a person she was, that's why he divorced her!

Is it any wonder I have suffered from OCD most of my life. I know OCD is said to be caused by numerous factors which come together but what a coincidence that I suffered 'Harm' OCD which had me considering suicide. It has ruined my career, my relationships and affected every facet of my life.

AIBU to wish there was an option to sue them for causing me intolerable pain and suffering?

My Xmas will be similar to yours, no family. But I’d rather be alone than in toxic room.

But I can blame them and say it's their fault though which is what this post was about?

Blame = to assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.

That's nothing to do with whether it's good for me, conjecture on whether or not I'm taking responsibility for myself or whether I move on is it?

There is such an ingrained opposition in society in not apportioning blame on parents for the outcomes of their parenting (5th commandment probably). I have told my DC I will come to therapy with them when they are adults if they want me to .

Chocness, you’re out of line, in fact you should have your stupid post deleted and apologise. You don’t know who you’re talking to or what their experience is.

Some of us have been through it. Some of us have been to hell and back. In a way that I won’t describe on here, and when we say, allocate the blame, accept the past, but seek help to move on we are speaking from experience built on years of trauma. Do not rudely accuse us of not know what we are talking about. It’s obscene and offensive to speak to abuse survivors that way.

Op, yes you can allocate blame, it’s not wrong, the reason people are saying seek help to move on, is for your sake. No it’s not easy, no one ever said that, but for many of us, it’s worth the effort.

I think what happened to you is awful, and I don't think anyone would disagree that your parents and family were just awful. You can blame them all you want, but what is that going to achieve?

Most families don't look like the traditional nuclear. No two families look the same. Almost all families have some sort of dysfunction. Stop comparing or thinking about what you "should" have. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I am glad you are getting treatment for your MH challenges. This Christmas, stop focusing on what you 'cant' give your children but rather on your loving family that is made up of your DH and your children. If you want more companionship, I would suggest you as a family volunteer at an OAP home. Many seniors are alone at the holidays, and it not only would be good to give back to your community, but it might be an eye opening experience about being grateful for what you have (your DH and children) in addition to making some new friends.

Zoe - Based on the original post, it sounds like OP assumed that she was to blame before finding no evidence to back up her mum's claims. It's good that she realises that she is not to blame for her mum's behaviour and her life experiences.

'It’s like your very foundations are built on moving sand, you don’t know yourself plus you have these awful critical voices bringing you down whatever you do'

Spot on Chocness. I relate to this so much

Zoe, I doubt very much that the OP needs a lesson right now in being grateful for what she has. I'm sure she's very grateful indeed for the wonderful things in her life. She also has a right to feel very angry and hurt by her mother's behaviour and treatment of her. It's not about 'achieving' anything, its about allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions and accepting that they are part of you.

I did not actually ask for advice on 'moving on' though, nor did I need to be told that I am not taking responsibility for myself, or what I need to focus on. Guilt and shame is a big part of this. A lot of the shame I carry nowadays is that I have been disowned by my own mother, with all the supposition that that carries and I ask myself is that my fault?

If only I could focus my OCD intrusive thoughts on being thankful for the family that I have, rather than that I may harm them .

Yes Lotta and Chocness. I still don't know who the hell I am. I am too scared to NOT believe that I am the monster my mother made me believe I was, in case she's right, so I need to stay on high alert to it which fuels the OCD.

YANBU.

My mum grew up with similar abuse, she was an only child which is a mixed blessing in such a situation but the damage it has done to her mental and physical health is extensive. When I was a child I struggled to understand the way she behaved, then as a teen I kind of understood but thought she ought to have got over it by then - but now as an adult with nearly grown children of my own and more education and understanding I think she did brilliantly given what she had suffered.

I now work in early education and I have had a lot of training in safeguarding, when I read what emotional abuse and neglect in childhood does to a developing brain and how that manifests as an adult it fits my dear mum perfectly.

Be kind to yourself, you have every right to be angry.

I prayed for years every night that god would fix my brain so I would be loved by the people who should have loved me.

I truly dont care anymore. If I am unlovable then so be it.

My point was that it seems from a lot of the OPs posts that she feels overwhelming guilt that she can't 'give' her dc the life she thinks everyone else has. To the point where she was sacrificing her own well-being to establish a connection between her DD and her toxic extended family. Whilst her family is awful, and of course there are a lot of (very valid) complicated feelings regardless of how toxic they were (rejection/abandonment/fear) that are no fault of her own, the wider issue is

@Lottapianos It's not a matter of her being ungrateful (I never called her ungrateful in the slightest). But actively practicing gratitude IS a well known and proven way to help reframe situations and help with MH issues. gratefulness.org/resource/how-to-practice-gratitude/

Some families are by blood, some families are by choice. I still think volunteering might be a good way to meet some new people, establish some connections with people outside of your wider family, and help with issues of self-worth.

post got cut off, meant to say: My point was that it seems from a lot of the OPs posts that she feels overwhelming guilt that she can't 'give' her dc the life she thinks everyone else has. To the point where she was sacrificing her own well-being to establish a connection between her DD and her toxic extended family. Whilst her family is awful, and of course there are a lot of (very valid) complicated feelings regardless of how toxic they were (rejection/abandonment/fear) that are no fault of her own, the wider issue is that most families are not what you are idealising in your head. Some families have huge extended members, some families are just 2 people. When it comes to good family relationships it is quality not quantity.

My mother had been in DD's life for 16 years Zoe. It wasn't that I was trying to establish a connection, there was already one for DD. My mother would put on the perfect grandmother act whilst constantly putting my parenting down. DD was only aware of the 'act' and the presents at the time. We only saw them a few times a year but my mother took DD on holiday with her. I don't want DD to feel guilty or have loyalty issues for wanting keep in contact with my family. I went through all that with my father and his family. She knows now some of what went on and is old enough to decide for herself whether to have contact with them. Can't say it doesn't make me feel like shit though.

No wonder you feel as you do and the way you have been horribly treated.
You need to not let this woman continue to make you feel they way you do and if that means breaking contact then do it.
You can keep letting her win or fight back. You still have a chance and a choice to make a difference to you life. Good luck xxx

Some of the replies on here are really unsympathetic. There is a stately homes thread which you may find helpful OP. What are you planning to do now? Will you keep her in your life or go NC? I’m sorry for your horrible experience.

Lottapianos well said, on everything, but particularly the stuff about acknowledging emotions. The bloody instant you start to understand your abusive childhood people are on your back asking you to plant a smile on your face. There's nothing wrong with appropriate anger or sadness, damned sight healthier than the depression that results when you run away from feeling them.

No wonder we're so shit as a society at allowing people the space to grieve.

For me the key point is to see the symmetry. Nobody chooses to be a crap parent. People become crap parents because stuff happens to them, like having crap parents. So, blame yours in the sense of understanding their effect on you, but have compassion for them, as you hope your children will have for you. Parent better than you were parented. Do what you can.

Chocness you have no idea where posters encouraging the OP to move on are coming from, so save your sanctimonious drivel. Shall we all encourage the OP to wallow? Would that make you happy? Some people have been through hell and back and are here to say 'let go of that negativity'. Just because you are stuck doesn't mean everyone else has to remain so.

Well relax I would have had rather more sympathy if my mother had abused all her children equally but that wasn't the case and I think that if you can control yourself to that extent, then it was a bit more than she treated me as she was treated.

Kitsharrington I never actually asked for any advice on whether I should wallow in my OP but I am sincerely grateful for the supportive posters who 'get it'. It is quite hard for someone who has battled debilitating mental health issues for over 10 years to just 'let go of that negativity'. Gosh, that makes it sound like I could if I just tried harder .

God there are some hideous posts on here....

reminds me of the threads where people got told they just needed to think positive and fight more in order to beat cancer.

Why can't people just come on a thread and say - 'that's awful so sorry you went through that, but it sounds like you have done amazing things given your start in life' and leave it at that?

I mean who the fuck reads something like the 'OP's story and decides to post 'yeah yeah we've all had it bad but I've done SO MUCH better than you'

Maybe these posters aren't doing as well as they think they are if given the slightest opportunity they'll stick their boot in instead of finding a little compassion.

What Morphene said. Let the OP be and heal at her own pace. Best wishes OP

Op 💐💐💐. For the, at times, gruelling journey of ploughing through the legacy of your childhood. You deserved love, nurture and care and you didn't get it. That wreaks havoc on your mental health. How you managed a teen pregnancy and 3 more kids is amazing. You've come so far, I wish you the very best in your treatment. Part of treatment for some is processing your experiences, how could "blame" not be apportioned at some stage in your progress? Your mum does sound unwell, but whilst you can develop an understanding of what made her like that, she still did you harm. You will get there.

I don't think YABU I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I don't know if the wounds heal as time goes by, but you certainly learn how not to treat others.