Is my mother BU? I have such a warped sense of what is normal mothering that I don’t know anymore...

[BeakyFlapdoodle]

I am unexpectedly six weeks pregnant. I was on the pill (yes, honestly.) I have a three year old and a one year old. We’ve decided not to continue with the pregnancy for a variety of reasons (mainly, I’m not sure that I could cope) and I’m booked in for a termination on Friday. I’m wobbly, but ok.

This is not the issue.

The issue is my mother.
I needed someone to talk to at 5am when dh was asleep and so I told her. I needed someone to come and look after my children while I went for the initial appointment at the clinic and then again when I go for the termination later this week.
She lives a long way away and is currently staying with us.

I expressly asked her not to tell anyone about this.

A message has just flashed up on her phone from her latest boyfriend. (There’s been a long line including three husbands) They’ve been together for about a year and I’ve met him a few times. It said “how are you doing Florence Nightingale? Just to let you know that what you’re doing there is amazing and they’re so lucky to have you while they sort out this mess!” I then read through the previous messages and she’s texted him details of when we first went to the clinic this week, she’s told him when the procedure will be carried out, she’s complained to him that she’s here alone “holding the fort” (we left her alone with the children for three hours and the eldest was at pre school) she also texted him last night when the baby woke her up crying. Instead of helping me, she texted her boyfriend to have a moan.

I just feel really hurt and awkward that I’m going to have to see this man who I don’t really know and he’s going to know all about everything. She’s somehow made a bad situation worse.
But I need her to be here. I don’t have any other help.
Not sure what I’m asking here really. I just have no idea how a normal mother would behave in this situation and I guess I want to know whether I’m overreacting?

I think your Mum should have kept the details to herself. You are her daughter and he is only a boyfriend, so you should have priority really.All she needed to say to him was that you were having an operation and she didnt know all the details etc.
Your Mum has shown you who she is, remember and learn from this, thats all you can do.I wouldnt be discussing anything personal with her again as she cant be trusted.

When I am told something in CONFIDENCE... it stays CONFIDENTIAL... the end....

I agree that confidential includes not sharing with a partner. This situation is medically sensitive and OP shouldn't be put at risk of any unnecessary moralising.

My friend and I have mutually disclosed that we've been at a very early stage of pregnancy due to an activity, and felt that it was medically beneficial for the other to be aware in the event of any issues. Our partners (we are all mutual friends) have waited until the person concerned felt it was appropriate for them to know and tell them themself.

If the OP's "D"M is in the habit of hamming up what a wonderful mother she is for an audience, it's completely out of order to play a martyr card behind OP's back, making herself look good at OP's expense. The partner merely needed to know that OP was in need of emergency childcare.

There aren't exclusions in data protection or the official secrets act for being able to share with a partner.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic

spot on

My mother can never keep a secret. She just can't do it. I just see it as a health problem she has so it doesn't bother anymore. I also ensure I don't tell her a secret.

Quite right Somewhat

By the way, does anyone else think the mother's BF sounds like a cheesy ingratiating creep?

“how are you doing Florence Nightingale? Just to let you know that what you’re doing there is amazing and they’re so lucky to have you while they sort out this mess!”

Eew. That would put me right off.