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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mother BU? I have such a warped sense of what is normal mothering that I don’t know anymore...

56 replies

BeakyFlapdoodle · 29/11/2017 15:46

I am unexpectedly six weeks pregnant. I was on the pill (yes, honestly.) I have a three year old and a one year old. We’ve decided not to continue with the pregnancy for a variety of reasons (mainly, I’m not sure that I could cope) and I’m booked in for a termination on Friday. I’m wobbly, but ok.

This is not the issue.

The issue is my mother.
I needed someone to talk to at 5am when dh was asleep and so I told her. I needed someone to come and look after my children while I went for the initial appointment at the clinic and then again when I go for the termination later this week.
She lives a long way away and is currently staying with us.

I expressly asked her not to tell anyone about this.

A message has just flashed up on her phone from her latest boyfriend. (There’s been a long line including three husbands) They’ve been together for about a year and I’ve met him a few times. It said “how are you doing Florence Nightingale? Just to let you know that what you’re doing there is amazing and they’re so lucky to have you while they sort out this mess!” I then read through the previous messages and she’s texted him details of when we first went to the clinic this week, she’s told him when the procedure will be carried out, she’s complained to him that she’s here alone “holding the fort” (we left her alone with the children for three hours and the eldest was at pre school) she also texted him last night when the baby woke her up crying. Instead of helping me, she texted her boyfriend to have a moan.

I just feel really hurt and awkward that I’m going to have to see this man who I don’t really know and he’s going to know all about everything. She’s somehow made a bad situation worse.
But I need her to be here. I don’t have any other help.
Not sure what I’m asking here really. I just have no idea how a normal mother would behave in this situation and I guess I want to know whether I’m overreacting?

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 29/11/2017 17:11

@Believeitornot because she needed help with childcare?
Maybe she hoped this time would be different?
Maybe the need for childcare was greater than the damage dhe can do?

It's irrelevant, whatever the reason, it did not give OP's mum the right to use her daughter's abortion as self promoting material.

Believeitornot · 29/11/2017 17:38

Well why go to someone who causes you pain...?

My mum offered me childcare and I refused. My relationship with her is not worth investing in because it makes me feel crap.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/11/2017 17:41

Oh you poor love Thanks

What a pair of shits your mother and her BF are. I'd struggle to come back from this TBH. Hope you're ok OP

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/11/2017 17:48

I expect OP might be regretting asking for help now, but perhaps her mum was the best bet in a sticky spot.

I don’t tell DH other people’s secrets. If they wanted him to know, they’d tell him. We are separate people.

LoverOfCake · 29/11/2017 17:59

I think yabu tbh. Most people will tell someone they trust something that has been confided to them. In this case your mum has been called upon at 5 in the morning to come and look after her grandchildren while you go for a termination and she's expected to keep that to herself?

It's not as if she'd had a long discussion with the boyfriend and then told you about the long discussion with the boyfriend so they could both judge you is it? She had a private discussion with her partner and you breached that privacy by going through her text messages. You had absolutely no right to do that and the only one in the wrong here is you.

Original poster
BeakyFlapdoodle · 29/11/2017 17:59

rebelrouge you’ve got it spot on. Im realising that people generally don’t understand this disorder unless they know it personally. Most of my friends can’t believe some of the things my mother says/does (mainly because she’s so lovely to her audience...)
And yes, mostly I hoped that this time would be different. I’ve never been through anything like this before and I just hoped that she would act like a mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeakyFlapdoodle · 29/11/2017 18:02

loverofcake thanks for that. She was called at 5am because she’s my mother and I knew she was awake. She then offered to come and help.

OP posts:
LoverOfCake · 29/11/2017 18:06

But you lost the moral high ground when you found out that she had breached your confidence by invading her personal phone and reading her personal text messages. There is no excusable reason for doing that. If this was a partner people would be telling them to LTB.

The reality is that it is normal to confide in one's partner with most likely the expectation that they not take it further but that that person needed an outlet. She didn't tell you that she'd confided in her partner, you found out by snooping through her personal text messages.

How would you feel if your daughter read through your personal texts which potentially contain information you wouldn't want her to be privvy to?

RebelRogue · 29/11/2017 18:25

OP didn't fo snooping in titiliating anticipation of sexting or who has warts where or wherever. She saw a message on the screen referring to her mother as "florence nightingale" and given the situation and her request to keep it quiet she investigated further. I bet she did it in the hope that it was unrelated or a misunderstanding.

This is the advice most women are given on here when they are suspicious (since you made that comparison).

The outcome is normally the same... proof that someone is being indeed a shitty partner, or in this case parent.

Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 19:46

To be honest, I would pretty much tell my husband any “don’t tell anyone” thing - unless it would be very obviously damaging. It’s just what we do. Especially if it is something we ourselves would benefit from talking about. Certainly if my daughter told me something quite monumental I’d struggle not to talk that through with anyone. And I’m not sure it’s fair for you to judge her relationship as one where she shouldn’t share secrets.

You shouldn’t have read her texts, no good will ever come from that, but you have the choice now of fessing up and talking to her about it, or letting it go and realising many people do have two sides.

Gemini69 · 29/11/2017 21:22

Your Mother is disgusting OP.... Flowers

CoyoteCafe · 30/11/2017 04:29

I believe that AS MOTHERS when our daughters tell us something in strict confidence and we blabber it around, we fundamentally damage the relationship. I feel that my DDs (who are young adults) are most safe if they know that they can tell me absolutely anything and that I will 100% be on their side.

For those on the "I tell my DH everything" side:

  1. He isn't her husband. He is a guy she's been seeing for a year.
  1. Reproductive health isn't like most other things. It is intimate, highly personal and confidential.
  1. Even though I tell my DH pretty much everything, he is the father of my children, and he is a great dad to our daughters, I don't go into any detail at all with him about their well woman care or choices for contraceptives.
  1. The mother didn't need to tell him anything because it doesn't concern him at all. She could have said that her DD was ill, or having female problems. She didn't need to disclose this very sensitive information.
  1. Abortion is a controversial subject which some people feel judgmental about. Wanting to keep that information VERY confidential makes sense.

I gently suggest that all those with daughter rethink this issue and how they will handle it with their own daughters. Is you urge to tell a man everything more important than ensuring that your daughter knows that there is one person on this planet that she can go to who will hold her confidence?

AstridWhite · 30/11/2017 04:53

agree with everything you said Coyote

Splinterz · 30/11/2017 05:23

Shakespeare said something like eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, people who listen at keyholes etc .... I'm sure there is a modern day equivalent for people who snoop through phones/texts/social media/messaging conversations. You're the one who has broken trust.

Your mother has told her partner, in the same way all of us would tell our partners (three husbands is irrelevant and you being a bit bitchy really).

Abortion, termination, is a very emotive subject. No one ever sits on the fence in an ambivalent way about it, it provokes opinion. She's turned up, done what you asked of her without complaint to you and vents to her partner, same as any of us would do. FWIW, I would do the same, turn up, do what was asked, not offer you my opinion, but I would telling my DH exactly what I was thinking.

BTW is your mother a diagnosed narcissist, or have you been reading some internet links?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2017 05:26

She was 100% out of order. You told her something in confidence and you should be able to expect your confidence to be honoured. But now you know, if you didn't before, that you cannot trust her. You can't do anything about the current situation, but you do need to remember it in the future and not rely on her in confidential situations.

As far as her 'friend' knowing and having to see him in the future, remember that you have done nothing wrong. You found yourself in a situation you didn't want to be in, you and DH made a legal and responsible choice regarding that situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel uncomfortable around him. Hold your head up and look him square in the eye.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

AstridWhite · 30/11/2017 05:27

Your mother has told her partner, in the same way all of us would tell our partners (three husbands is irrelevant and you being a bit bitchy really).

It's not irrelevant at all. You clearly have no understanding of what the OP has been through with her mother and it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. With issues of huge sensitivity and privacy you would expect or at least hope that a mother would put her child's feelings ahead of her need to tell all to a man she's known for a year.

Three times recently, friends have confided in me about something very difficult for them and they have asked me not to tell anyone. So I haven't. And that includes my DH. It's really not that hard.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2017 05:28

And as far as 'I tell my partner everything', that's bullshit. I would probably tell DH as he is the father of my children and therefore as intimately and deeply concerned with their well being as I am, but tell a random boyfriend or non-parent partner? Hell no!

AstridWhite · 30/11/2017 05:33

Same here Across

I tell DH everything that he needs to know.If a friend confides in me about something she'd prefer stayed a secret then there is no need for my DH to know if it doesn't remotely concern him. I don't lie to him or hide important stuff.

In the OP's mother's case there was absolutely no moral obligation for her to betray her DD's confidence. She's just too wrapped up in herself and her new love to see that her DD's feelings should have come first here. And I imagine this is just one of several stories the OP could tell over the years where her needs or feelings have been very much secondary to her mother's wants.

Splinterz · 30/11/2017 05:35

And so, upon a few typed words, a tiny snapshot you lot are of course judging the mothers relationship with her partner.

You couldn't make up the two faced back tracking on this site. In the next thread it'll be all "love and soul mates at first sight"

Kitsharrington · 30/11/2017 06:06

I think it is hard and unrealistic to tell someone not to share something with their partner. Maybe she needed someone to talk to about it. It's not as if she posted it on social media, so I think YABU. Sorry you're going through this.

FolderReformedScruncher · 30/11/2017 06:15

In your shoes I would keep schtum for now and detach from her as much as I was able. At some point in the future when I am in less of a predicament and feeling less emotional about things, I would bring it up and say that I was hurt by what she had written (in the hope that it would explain the detachment although if she is a true narc this will be lost on her). This would expose you less to her narc ways,
establish a few ground rules which would make you feel better and more in control.

CoyoteCafe · 30/11/2017 06:21

Your mother has told her partner, in the same way all of us would tell our partners

Not all of us.

I wouldn't. My DH knows this and respects it. He completely understands that sometimes a woman needs to discuss things confidentially, and it is more important to him that our daughters have that with me than that he know everything.

pigeondujour · 30/11/2017 06:30

What a pair of shits your mother and her BF are.

What's he done wrong?!

I don't think any of us would like what we found in text messages about us not intended for our eyes. And I think it's not so much unreasonable as unrealistic to expect people not to tell their partners things - it's setting yourself up for disappointment.

Splinterz · 30/11/2017 06:33

The OP shouldn't have gone snooping - its bitten her on the arse. You reap what you sow.

Becles · 30/11/2017 06:52

I think your mother was not being unreasonable.

She came when needed
Kept any moaning to herself
Sought support from her partner in private

You breached her trust by illegally accessing her phone.