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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with not swapping weekends again!

49 replies

lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 11:29

OK so background info is me and kids dad split when our kids were 2 and 3. They are now 5 and 6. Every other weekend they go down to their dads unless he skips a weekend. I never change the weekends. Never have. All is OK. Their dad always lays down the terms as to what weekends he has them. Always has and I have always said yes just to keep the peace and if it means they still see daddy then am happy.

Anyways for the last year the weekends have been set and haven't changed. In September I got myself a new job. Just working part time but I'm happy and it's during school hours so don't miss out on my kids. The weekends the kids are at their dads I work Saturday and Sunday. I alternate with another girl that is in the same position as me. Anyways received a Facebook message this morning saying he must swap the weekends.

I have explained on numerous occasions that I can't swap ever because of work. Even when he went somewhere on his weekend and left me struggling to find childcare but I still did it. Yeah no problem. Stupid me I know. Anyway today he has blew his stack because I won't swap. It's not as easy as just going in to work and saying I have to swap weekends because of the other girl I work with and her childcare situation. Anyways he has called me all kinds including the C word which boils my blood and said I have pulled a 'c##tish trick with getting this job and I should of spoke to him before getting this job'.

I sort of had no choice to get this job. He has a case through cms (that he started not me) and has not paid in nearly 2 years and I wanted to be able to support my kids without the struggles. Even skinted myself to pass my driving test so I could get this job.

So what I'm asking after all that rambling is should I stand my ground or give like I have done the last 3 years. He causes me so much stress that I can see me back on my meds.

Sorry for the long post. Just a mum trying to do what's right by everyone and losing. Thanks

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/11/2017 11:39

First of all, congrats on passing your driving test and getting the job.

I think you should stand your ground. You're not refusing to swap weekends for a frivolous reason or for a night out on the lash, it's for YOUR JOB, which you need because he won't pay for his kids! Bloody cheek!

And the abuse on top of it - charming, bet that's really helping Confused

AnnaleeP · 29/11/2017 11:42

You're doing the right thing. And he can go swivel if he thinks he has any say over your job.

He's just angry because he wants his way and you won't let him. Disengage. The weekends were agreed and that's that.

44PumpLane · 29/11/2017 11:44

You should definitely not back down on this- you do not have to run it by him if you want a part time job at the weekends. Now you have a commitment on the weekends you were due to be free you definitely cannot change because of his whim. Who is to say he wouldn't change his mind back in a few months.

If he is not paying any maintenance what does he expect you to do for money? Magic it out your arse?!?

He sounds like a bellend

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 11:44

Thanks very much for replying. Exactly but I think in his little mind he can run my life or everything has to go through him to be vetted to make sure it isn't inconvenient to him in any way. He's always the same whenever I try to say no to him. Like I said he has always been the one to change things not me.

I don't think I will swapping. He says he wants a weekend with his girlfriend alone. I don't see how that's mine or the kids problem really. Anyways thanks again and I will stand my ground ☺️

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 29/11/2017 11:46

Yadnbu

If it’s his weekend, it’s his responsibility to find childcare. But I appreciate that this doesn’t always work in practice.

You’ve done really well for yourself, passing your driving test and getting a job that fits around DC. Don’t let him undermine your confidence, you’re doing the right thing for you and DC.

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 11:48

Thanks for replying. He gets me so mad and today after he said I pulled a trick I just cried. It's not like I haven't explained the work commitments to him since I got the job and I've had it for 3 months now.

As for the money he says I get tax credits and child benefit so shouldn't need money. Sort of gotten used to living without his financial help. Cms are no use either. Glad I'm not being seen as unreasonable anyway xx

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 29/11/2017 11:48

Name change fail op?

AlternativeTentacle · 29/11/2017 11:49

'It is not a case of not wanting to swap. It is a case of I cannot swap as I have to earn money to feed and clothe my kids. I am not going to ask your permission to work, you know we are not in a relationship any more right?'

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 11:52

Yes name change fail. Never posted before but not sure if his girlfriend is on here and cannot be bothered with more aggro. I'm expecting more messages later from either or both of them. It usually goes down that way anyways.

I've tried to reason with him about not being able to change weekends yet again but yeah he has blew a gasket and is probably spewing all kinds of shite about me to anyone dumb enough to listen. Wish my life was easy.

Alternative tentacle yes he was very controlling when we were together and still tries now.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 29/11/2017 12:06

absolutely stand your ground. you're totally reasonable. how is he contacting you? texting or email?

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:12

He has my house number and he used to text but since he got a new phone he doesn't have my mobile number so it's Facebook messages. His girlfriend has my mobile number because there was a time I refused to speak to him after a previous barrage of abuse because I refused and still do to take the kids to him so he has to come for them and drop them back off so all communication was done through her. But I didn't think this was fair on her so agreed to go through Facebook.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/11/2017 12:17

No this isn't fair at all. And you should say that it's not now possible to change weekends as you have committed yourself to working the weekends he has the DC's. But what happens if he just refuses to take his turn. I think you really need back up even if it's wrong of him. It ends up being your problem.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/11/2017 12:19

Can you bring another case against him for maintenance? He is legally obliged to pay and his views are irrelevant.

Also, stand your ground but try and sort out a back up plan, because this tosser will simply just not turn up, in order to wreck your schedule. And always use the 'grey rock' technique - stick to the facts, repeat them when necessary, take no notice of any insults/abuse. He's a complete prick.

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:22

Yeah I see what your saying about him refusing to have them. He has done this in the past thinking it would spite me some way but I never worked then. My mum can have them for the few hours if he did do this again. It's his weekend this weekend coming up so think he may pull this ahem 'c##tish trick' but I just don't know with him.

I get so uncomfortable when he picks them up and drops them off because of how he speaks to me and plays the sympathy card all the time knowing I'm a soft arse but I'm glad everyone so far has said I wouldn't be unreasonable to keep things as they are

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 12:24

To be honest, I do think in any arrangement there needs to be a degree of flexibility, as life isn’t always straightforward. He was taking the piss, and the comment about your job was unforgivable, but I do think to insist “no swapsies ever” is a bit unreasonable.

On the other hand - sometimes a hairline is the only way to get the message across.

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:28

No unfortunately I cannot open another case because he has one that is open. I asked a while ago to attach to his earnings as I sent proof he wasn't paying. Because he said no to it they didn't do it then within a week I got a review letter saying he earned less than 7 pound a week or something so would not be getting a penny. Been like that for over a year then last week gets a letter about him claiming for travel expenses of 66 quid a week (considering he has them every fortnight) but they dismissed it because he doesn't contribute to the kids and he said he had them weekly so I am guessing they will write to him to tell him that good news. Que another mouth full of crap off him.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 29/11/2017 12:28

He is being controlling,selfish and ignorant.
Stand firm and insist you cannot stop weekends to suit his whims.
He's had it his own way for too long.
If you stand your ground he will,hopefully,see you mean business and accept he needs to grow up.
Congratulations on your new job,passing your test🌼🌼🌼🌼

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:31

The thing is I have always bent over backwards with regards to anything to do with access and all that and now he wants it swapping again. I don't think I'm guna budge. I'm not being a bitch I have a job that requires me to work alternate weekends when he has the children.

He only wants it so he has a weekend to himself with his girlfriend and she's changed her weekends with work so yet again am expected to drop and swap but this time I'm unable to. I appreciate what you are saying though about flexibility and I think since we split I have been just that.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 29/11/2017 12:31

Get a solicitor and get this sorted out once and for all. What a way to live!

Badmistake999 · 29/11/2017 12:32

I was with someone with almost identical views.
I was expected to live on benefits whilst he paid me bugger all to look after our child. Although he could afford to sniff his nose into a bloody wreck every Friday night.
He would also swap and change weekends to suit him... reasons ranging from Work/pub/girlfriend.
You need to stop relying on him to be the childcare whilst you work unless you have a court order that he can’t change.
I had to change my flexible hours to make sure I wasn’t depending on him to have our Child.
I’d tell him m he can skip a weekend if he wishes but that then means he doesn’t see his kids for 2 weeks, he cannot pick and choose forever.

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:33

Thanks for your reply. I'm made up with myself and how far I've come since this time last year. Let's hope he does grow up and see that things sometimes don't go the way we want them to. It's life.

OP posts:
RB68 · 29/11/2017 12:35

He is asking you to be child care for his dirty weekend. Just tell him they are his responsibility that weekend. He needs to find cover be it his parents or someone paid or him and his girlfriend - she knew he came with kids.

If you don't stand your ground you have another 12 plus years of this crap

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:35

Well thankfully my mum or my sister can share a weekend if he doesn't have them. They do help a lot if I need to. I just want him to see that it's not all about him which it has been for so long and I see that now. I really do. I have pondered with the thought of a solicitor but wouldn't know which way to go about it and how much it will all cost aswell

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 12:38

hairline

HARDline - obviously. A hairline would be useless 😂

Original poster
lillylover89 · 29/11/2017 12:39

Yes I understand and I have said in the past that if he wanted his mum to have them so he could go out then that's fine. I trust his mum we just don't speak that much anymore. Don't know why. She has kids of her own that are in the same position as mine. Other parents every other weekend and all that. I just don't know. How I still have hair on my head I will never know

OP posts:
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