Aibu with not swapping weekends again!

[lillylover89]

OK so background info is me and kids dad split when our kids were 2 and 3. They are now 5 and 6. Every other weekend they go down to their dads unless he skips a weekend. I never change the weekends. Never have. All is OK. Their dad always lays down the terms as to what weekends he has them. Always has and I have always said yes just to keep the peace and if it means they still see daddy then am happy.

Anyways for the last year the weekends have been set and haven't changed. In September I got myself a new job. Just working part time but I'm happy and it's during school hours so don't miss out on my kids. The weekends the kids are at their dads I work Saturday and Sunday. I alternate with another girl that is in the same position as me. Anyways received a Facebook message this morning saying he must swap the weekends.

I have explained on numerous occasions that I can't swap ever because of work. Even when he went somewhere on his weekend and left me struggling to find childcare but I still did it. Yeah no problem. Stupid me I know. Anyway today he has blew his stack because I won't swap. It's not as easy as just going in to work and saying I have to swap weekends because of the other girl I work with and her childcare situation. Anyways he has called me all kinds including the C word which boils my blood and said I have pulled a 'c##tish trick with getting this job and I should of spoke to him before getting this job'.

I sort of had no choice to get this job. He has a case through cms (that he started not me) and has not paid in nearly 2 years and I wanted to be able to support my kids without the struggles. Even skinted myself to pass my driving test so I could get this job.

So what I'm asking after all that rambling is should I stand my ground or give like I have done the last 3 years. He causes me so much stress that I can see me back on my meds.

Sorry for the long post. Just a mum trying to do what's right by everyone and losing. Thanks

I’ve tried the whole solicitor thingy, and was told that you cannot make someone see their kids on any particular day, unless they express the need for regular weekends.
Meaning unless my ex took me to court to see the kids there was nothing I could do.
I tried mediation too, he refused to turn up

Stand your line.

I did wonder about hair line lol. I see. Well pointless even wasting their time explaining then. We tried something through cms don't think it was mediation more like a written agreement between us about access but it didn't work. He ranted and balled and nothing was organised so just threw the papers on the fire

Stand your ground.

You're not his babysitter ffs. If he has childcare issues he deals with it like a grown up

There are some exes who will take advantage the moment you give them an inch.

The only way to deal with them is to establish the rules and then stick to them absolutely. He sounds like one of those types

The thing that is confusing me is he lives with his girlfriend so don't see how he needs more time to spend with her. Yeah I get they work as do me and my other half. We still have time for each other. Maybe not 24 hours a day but I think it's enough. I'm dreading Friday I really am

Well done for passing your test and getting new job
I definitely don’t think yabu it’s a job you need to support the kids so it’s not like you have a choice

Oh meant flowers but wine just as good!

So he doesn’t want his kids so that he can spend more time with his girlfriend? It shows what is important to him. If he cared about his kids he would want to spend time with them. I think he’s trying to control you. Stand your ground.

Send him (by email if you can) something like:

"About your request to swap your weekend of 'dates', I have spoken to my employer, but am not permitted to change my working pattern, so cannot help you. Perhaps you could try 'suitable-child-care'?"

Fine to suggest suitable child-care if you know of somebody/somewhere that you approve of, but if you don't know, then don't try to make suggestions or help out. Equally, don't offer to try to make arrangements on his behalf. Just end the message at "so cannot help you".

If he answers abusively reply once. Say

"I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here as perhaps you do not realise how abusive your last message/email was, however if there is a recurrence of this I will stop all future direct communication between us. Further, I am now of the opinion that there should be no future requests to make any ad hoc changes to contact time, unless solely for the benefit of the children."

its his turn if its to do with work thats diffrnt but spnding tim wth his gf who he lives with is bullshit

and he wants travel money thats hilarious

my dsis ex tried to pull that shit about couldnt afford it-now he hardly bothrs shows whats impoprtant doesnt it

Don't bother making excuses.

He can't be bothered to pay for his kids.

You work to provide for them and are not willing to jeopardise that by fucking your work and work colleague around.

If you don't stand strong then you will have to mess your work around everytime his GF changes her schedule. They have 2 incomes and he still doesn't think he should pay for his own DC.

There is no room to be flexible so he can spend time with the person he already lives with.

Just say no DC will be ready at x time this weekend as usual for you, make alternative plans because he won't show. and ignore any abuse.

He loves the kids I see that but I have often thought he has priorities all wrong. It does come across that he would rather more free time. He was the one that stated his preferred weekends which is how it has been since may/June this year when he swapped them to how they are now. I could be here all day telling you what he has done or not done and it has solely been for his benefit alone.

I do have his email address and have considered sending him an email I just didn't know how to word it. I will definitely write something like that. I don't need the stress he causes. I'm not spiteful and yet he makes me feel that way most of the time. Like I said earlier I am a soft arse I know that. Hard to change the habit of a lifetime. I think it will kick off again by Friday because he just blows there is no reasoning with him so I think an email like that might just do the trick of getting my point across.

I know it is my job as their mother to support my kids financially, emotionally physically and all other aspects and I think I do a bloody good job of it. I also think he should take some responsibility of it aswell. He sees them yes but to me they need more. I'm not greedy but I'm by no means a millionaire because I work now. There have been times I have seriously questioned why am working because of the time and cost of things nowadays but I would love to keep my job.

I am grateful for every single one of your replies today. I was just really angry and hurt that he would think me getting a job is spiteful to him but i have seen from what you have all said that I'm not and he is in the wrong for what he has said to me. I wish I could show you all the messages he sent this morning while taking the kids to school. Thank you again everyone.

Like any parent. If he needs childcare he needs to find it and pay for it.

That seems his prime misunderstanding.

He picks them up at around 8-8.30 Friday night and then say I finish work at 3 on a Sunday afternoon guarantee they are home by 3.30 so to me he shouldn't need childcare. He gets 1 full day with them and that's it. Not my choice though. It's a 2 hour car journey each way. He chose to move that distance away though when we split. I didn't force the issue I just wanted him out my house.

@stressymam I'm so sorry for the way he is making you feel. I want to sympathise and offer some solidarity as someone else who has an idiot for an ex husband.

I think in the earlier days of separation it can be quite hard to draw a line, I used to do all kind of things to try and help my ex out, even going as far as lending him the keys to my house one day a week whilst I was at work so he could have my son there as he apparently had nowhere to go. He ruined that generosity for himself though by sneaking around in my things whilst I was out of the house.

By this point, you both have separate lives, the only connection is the children. You have an agreed contact arrangement. You don't need to hear about his woes or feel responsible for his issues. He's asked if you can change your agreement, you cannot. End of.

If he continues to give you abuse, I would just give him a strong one-line answer to whatever the relevant point is and then refuse to respond to him at all until he can be civil to you.

If he does end up skipping a weekend with the kids, don't let him sneakily get away with changing the weekends by saying he can't have them and then trying to arrange to have them for your weekend. You can see where that would go. Keep them for your weekend regardless of what he does.

You are doing an amazing job looking after your children and providing for them in all the ways he is not. It can be hard to get over the inequality, especially when he makes ridiculous claims like wanting travel money. Would you believe that my ExH tried to tell me that I should pay him maintenance when he walked out on us? Since my DS was 100% in my care, that was laughable.

Don't let him get to you, keep your head high and keep happy xxx

Thank you for that. I will not be replying to any more messages now I can guarantee that. It is laughable with some of the tricks he has tried to pull, latest one being that he wants travel expenses. It wouldn't surprise me if he wanted money in the future off me.

I will try to keep my head up. His kids have everything they need because I do what is right. Just wish he would see it that way so it can make this whole situation easier without any hostility or back lash. He hasn't messaged anymore since this morning.

Thank you again and I'm glad things worked out better for you in the end and your son has you xx

He is not entitled to a penny from you. Not one single penny.

A court might reduce maintenance from an absent father if there were significant travel expenses, but this dick isn't paying maintenance and only has DC every other weekend. So he doesn't get a penny.

You don't actually have to swap weekends - you just have to make the children available for contact. That should be reasonable and in a way that suits their needs, not his. Picking them up at 8pm and driving for 2 hours doesn't sound like it suits them anyway. Can he not pick them up from school?

In terms of communication, I would block him and his girlfriend on Facebook and have an email address for him only, which you don't check every day. Send him an email with the dates for next year. Tell him to let you know if he wishes to forfeit any if those dates due to his availability. You cannot swap to work commitments. End of story.

Don't run round doing the work for him. You can't make him into someone hr's not and the kids will find out soon enough who he is.

Good luck.

Thank you. I always have them ready for when he is collecting them and if he ever wanted them I would always say yes. For the kids because they love him.

He works till half 5 6 on a Friday so earliest he would get here is the time he does. The odd occasion his girlfriend might pick them up for around 5 but that is few and far between. I don't think he understands that work will not allow me to move weekends because it's not just me it suits the way it is. It wouldn't be fair anyways on my colleague because her arrangement worked for 2 years before I started and it still does now obviously.

He's just going to have to lump it then isn't he really. Like a few have said I'm not his babysitter or personal childcare. I'm their mother and I manage with childcare 12/14 days they are with me so it's tough luck for him

Just want to thank everyone again. So many nice things said. I appreciate everything everyone has said. I haven't heard anything since this morning and I'd be happy for it to stay that way. Have a good evening everyone xx

you sound like a very loving mum who tries to make sure everyone gets what they need. your ex knows this too and takes full advantage. you have to harden your heart against him, and containing your contact with him through an email just for this purpose will help a lot. he's taking the piss trying to swap when you have work. you don't have to try and accommodate him. he's unreasonable and he knows it. he's just trying to push you as far as he can. it's his control and power kick. grey rock technique is brilliant.

hang in there. one day this sorry arse will no longer be part of your life.

Thanks I see what he is doing now. Now that people have said and explained I do see it. I can't wait for that day when I don't have to see him or speak to him anymore. I think for my own sanity I'm guna have to give this grey rock thing a go