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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I over- react?

52 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 28/11/2017 18:02

DS 9 is ALWAYS losing stuff- coats, hoodies, hats etc. We have talked about the importance of looking after your things etc and he has been told off.
Today he lost a musical instrument that would cost £400 to replace as it’s on loan from the school. I totally lost it with him- really really shouted (might have sworn) and told him if he didn’t find it he wasn’t having any Xmas presents. I don’t think I have ever been so angry. He was hysterical. Luckily for him someone handed it in in school- he had left it in the playground. Things have now calmed down & we have talked about it.
Was I unreasonable and did I overreact? I do feel bad for losing it now

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 28/11/2017 18:05

Ah you we're just strung out and stressed. We've all been there.
Water under the bridge.
Lots of hugs and hopefully, your DS will learn. Sometimes it takes a white rage to drive the point home.

Allthewaves · 28/11/2017 18:05

I would have lost the plot wih him too (as I'm forever chasing my 9 yr olds stuff he has lost). I'd apologise to him for shouting and being so angry but would have a consequence for losing the instrument.

NellGin · 28/11/2017 18:06

We all shout at times OP. I’m glad he found it. Might be worth you taking it into school personally and collecting it at the end of the day given Ds has history for losing stuff.

topcat2014 · 28/11/2017 18:07

At £400 I am sure most of us would be shouting.

Wolfiefan · 28/11/2017 18:08

You shouldn't have shouted (but I can't blame you. My DD is the same and I regularly want to lose my shit!)
You shouldn't say NO presents. That's just a kneejerk OTT response.
But if he keeps losing things you need a small consequence every single time. Just talking about it isn't working. (DD has a list of what to bring home each day!)

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2017 18:08

I'm pretty sure you know the answer.

I totally understand your frustration/anger, but surely you know shouting, swearing and threatening not to give him any Christmas presents was wrong?

Not that I wouldn't have shouted because I'm sure I would have.

Aridane · 28/11/2017 18:08

Hopefully DS will have learned his lesson!

lightcola · 28/11/2017 18:08

Yup. I would have lost my rag. Maybe have a discussion/apology with him about it now it’s calmer and hope that this incident is enough to make him care about his stuff a bit more.

CheshireChat · 28/11/2017 18:09

Well, it's not ideal but he'll be absolutely fine. And he'll probably be more bloody careful.

MissionItsPossible · 28/11/2017 18:10

I don't think you were BU at all. Unless you're wealthy £400 is a lot of money and hopefully he'll be a lot more careful looking after his things from now on. Don't feel bad.

JoandMax · 28/11/2017 18:13

I think most of us would react in a similar way regardless of if it's the right way to go about it!

But perhaps the shock will make him start being a bit more careful?!

dancinfeet · 28/11/2017 21:23

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter at a similar age left her school hired clarinet on the train and it ended up in the lost property depot in Sheffield (an hour and a half away). She managed to do this TWICE!!
Yes I shouted too. She also left her bag with all of her epipens and inhalers in on the bus one Christmas Eve teatime, when there was no hope of finding it or getting a replacement before Christmas.
I can understand you being cross, and it is easy to lose your rag in this type of situation. Maybe the shock will make him take more care with his things next time.

Emlou07 · 28/11/2017 21:28

I think most parents would have been pissed. Kids can be pretty careless. But.. mine are only 4 and 2.5.. so I can't compare.

I personally wouldn't and don't give empty threats. Fair doo's if you really wouldn't give any presents. But not the sort of thing you should say if you wouldn't follow through.

Allthetuppences · 28/11/2017 21:32

You were unreasonable, as you recognised, to swear at him as it didn't help your obvious panic nor him suddenly remember where it was.
Shouting is inevitable if you're very stressed and money can be very stressful which many children do not understand.
I think you need to draw a line. If he is still losing things regularly at 9 you do need to start getting him to pay for replacements or having him go without. If it was only in the playground I can't understand why simply retracing his steps straight away would not have been the first reaction to child appearing without something than going straight to swearing.

billybagpuss · 28/11/2017 21:38

When DD managed to snap the neck off the her hired cello both DD's hid behind DH as they came home.

I was uncharacteristically calm!

The hired instruments are usually insured though so you would prob have been ok.

StatueInTheSky · 28/11/2017 21:41

you can check with your own house insurance for cover...ours did for school instruments.

Believeitornot · 28/11/2017 21:44

How did he leave it in the playground? Did you pick him up from school?

SequinsOnEverything · 28/11/2017 21:45

Apart from the swearing I think you were not unreasonable. £400 is a lot of money! In our house if we had to pay that to replace something one of our dds had lost, we couldn't afford to buy them Christmas presents too.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 28/11/2017 21:58

Instrument insurance is really reasonable. I’ve insured brass instruments for roughly £20 per year before today.

It reminds me I need to sort out a new policy, my eldest is taking her instrument to Europe next year and I need to add international travel onto the policy.

Guiltybystander · 28/11/2017 22:01

You did the right thing. If you don't get tough on him he will keep losing stuff out of negligence.

Originalfoogirl · 28/11/2017 22:04

I would have lost my shit about this too and done the no present threat. Grounded, chores for life to pay it back. That’s a terribly irresponsible thing for a 9 year old to do. Don’t feel bad for losing it, the fact you are asking shows you don’t do it often.

On the other hand, it is worth remembering the school are usually insured for this sort of thing. When I left my school oboe on the bus (I was grounded and had chores for life......) the school claimed off their insurance. I think we also discovered our home insurance covered it too.

How did he leave it in the playground? Did you pick him up from school?

Obviously not. Are you suggesting it is all the OP’s fault.

ferntwist · 28/11/2017 22:07

YANBU. Hopefully he’ll remember today.

gandalf456 · 28/11/2017 22:08

Probably but I would have been the same but calmed down when it was found

caringcarer · 28/11/2017 22:12

I have an 11 year old who has always lost things; school news letters, birthday invitations, homework, clothing after PE and his coat at least twice a week. He has lost 3 sweatshirts since September. After many chats, and making him a reminder list which he clearly does not bother to use I now snap 'no TV tonight' when he comes home minus something.

FlouncyDoves · 28/11/2017 22:33

That’s a lot of dosh to find at any time of year, let alone Christmas.

Would you have followed through and not bought/return present to pay for it?

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