Did I over- react?

[Happyhappyveggie]

DS 9 is ALWAYS losing stuff- coats, hoodies, hats etc. We have talked about the importance of looking after your things etc and he has been told off.
Today he lost a musical instrument that would cost £400 to replace as it’s on loan from the school. I totally lost it with him- really really shouted (might have sworn) and told him if he didn’t find it he wasn’t having any Xmas presents. I don’t think I have ever been so angry. He was hysterical. Luckily for him someone handed it in in school- he had left it in the playground. Things have now calmed down & we have talked about it.
Was I unreasonable and did I overreact? I do feel bad for losing it now

I don't think you overreacted at all. I defy anyone not to do similar. I know I would have.

I think that once in a while seeing this sort of reaction from a parent who has reached the end of their rope does kids no harm at all. It may make them actually start to think a bit.

I understand why you shouted and swore at your son. Do wonder what would have happened had it been his father who had shouted and sworn. Rather think Mumsnetters would have been beside themselves with horror.
Yes we all behave in ways we regret in the heat of the moment. Lots of mothers here owning up to it 😄

DS(13) has spent his lifetime haemorrhaging his possessions to the four corners of the earth- the bus company even used to buzz me straight through when they saw me on the intercom, waiting to pick up yet another fecking lunchbox/ PE kit/ cello (don't ask)

Now he's somehow miraculously made it to 13 things are much better, somewhat speeded up by our insistence that he use his allowance money to pay for missing items. He did however manage to recently lose his guitar (admittedly a cheaper option than the thankfully recovered cello) completely and utterly, resulting in us having to buy a replacement
He was most put out to discover that he was indeed expected to contribute to the cost of a replacement (he paid the cost of the original 3/4 size one, we paid the remainder to upgrade to a full size) I note though that he treats this one rather like his first born child

I sympathise with you OP, but the threat of no presents is pointless unless you really do intend to stick to it (but I'm sure you realise that) After the missing cello debacle (that was a school instrument too) we took out dedicated musical instrument insurance which costs about £3 a month, which has certainly eased DH's blood pressure immensely

I don’t blame you for losing the plot. Presumable a £400 instrument is small, and it was just careless of him to not take care of it. Maybe a slight over reaction, but most of us have probably done it. He needs to start being aware of his things, and consequences to him not taking care of his things. I think it’s reqsonable to have a chat about respecting his belongings, otherwise there is not as much money for hints he wants, birthday, Christmas and treats because the two are linked. Look after your things we can do fun things. If I’m constantly replacing things you have been careless with, that effects the family budget and has repercussions.

Not overreacting. There needs to be repercussions for repeated "bad" behaviour. Not that forgetting things is necessarily bad behaviour, but at 9 years old, having been reminded multiple times, he is more than capable of remembering to bring his things home. If he doesn't do that, repercussions need to follow in order to cement the lesson in his mind.

I would have gone nuts. And if DD had done that, there really wouldn't have been any Christmas presents, and it still would have taken months to pay the school back. Some people on MN are actually poor, you know Worra.

YANBU. I have a DS who was just like that. At 21, he's the same

Thanks for all your replies- I do feel better as a result. Can’t sleep as have been worrying about it all. DS & I had a chat, I apologised for shouting so much but hope the message got through. I’m not sure what I would have done about my no presents threat- it was the wrong thing to say & heat of the moment but it did make him think. We have agreed a reminder note might be an idea but he will probably lose that too- maybe writing on his hand might work!!

Getting angry isn’t an uncommon reaction to this. Glad it’s all worked out and you apologised. We all get stressed and angry sometimes and apologising for your behaviour shows a level of maturity that many parents and adults don’t have.

I do think insurance would be a good thing. Ask School how much you’d have to pay to replace it. At dds School and with the local instrument hire place, it’s £50. I’d also set up a reward scheme for remembering everything. So treats and incentives for not forgetting or losing stuff.

I’m bribing my dd with one sweet every morning to talk French to her (unless it gets too complicated) and getting her to repeat a couple of sentences. She’s also 9. Dh is French and stopped speaking in French to her when she started talking English to him (grrr). After 6 years of disagreements and nagging, I’m taking it in hand. She was mega reluctant until I suggested the sweet. A little bribery and corruption goes a long way. And she’s also accepted that her weekly sweetie allowance has reduced so she’s not getting that much more sugar. It’s surprising how simple things still are in 9 yo’s heads sometimes. I was surprised and it is a result all round I believe!

Sometimes shouting is what it takes. Hopefully he had learned his lesson.

The only thing you did wrong was threatening something you aren’t going to carry out. It dilutes your “power” when you do that. In future, only threaten things that you are prepared to follow through with.

I had a “loser”. It drove me insane, especially the helpless shrug when asked what the hell he had done with xyz. We did the same as a PP to a certain extent, in asking him to contribute to the replacement cost. If the child doesn’t have any money, then he has to contribute in other ways like so many hours of no telly/x-box, whatever. At one point, DS’s power cables spent more time in my room than they did in his! I’d like to say he grew out of it, but at nearly 21 he still loses his work badge/keys/phone (in the house thankfully) at least once a day!

I think children need a bit of a shock/consequence to learn to remember things sometimes. I’m not sure I would apologise for shouting as it was a genuine reaction to you most likely being frightened at having to find £400.
It drives me crazy how much my DD will forget but will never forget toys she wants to take places.

At one point, DS’s power cables spent more time in my room than they did in his! I’d like to say he grew out of it, but at nearly 21 he still loses his work badge/keys/phone (in the house thankfully) at least once a day!

Our DS was a "loser" ... it's not so much the value of whatever was lost, more that insouciant "So ?" shrug.

He's 21 going on 22 and recently "lost" a £200 phone - just forgot it in a cab one night. At least he was consistent when he told us - with a shrug and "Shit happens" look. At that was his money !!!!

I still obsess about a pair of football boots that I lost in middle school 45 years ago.

Ds1 was like this - right up until we started making him replace the myriad little things he lost out of his own money. After paying to replace 1 watch and 2 jumpers he suddenly became much more careful with his stuff. Ds2 is 9 and has just paid for a lost watch too. He's a quick learner (hates parting with his money) so hopefully it's lesson learnt.

You sound like you did overreact and that would have been pretty intense for you both. None of us are perfect it's a lot of money and if it's a conversation you feel like you are having with him all the time then I can understand how you have got to that point. Try not to be too harsh on yourself.

It's really good to see your parents saying sorry and admitting they weren't right to be so angry or shouty. It's a human thing to do and a great lesson that if you know you were in the wrong go come say sorry. The situation is salvageable and things can be learned by both of you.

Maybe look at constructive ways at trying to improve his memory or to deter him being careless. Easier said than done lol.

I'd get over those football boots if I were you LH! 😂 Your parents have probably completely forgotten about them!

we have sensible sanctions in our house for losing school uniform. They lose time on the iPad if items are lost. The iPad seems to be a currency they understand. Having a practical sanction and always following through means that they put more effort into not losing stuff. We also do replace straight away and often replace with a more generic version if needed.

To be honest I'd have been removing him from music lessons if he can look after the instruments

I'd get over those football boots if I were you LH! 😂 Your parents have probably completely forgotten about them!

I think I did ... but we weren't well off and they cost. I was just compare and contrasting with a mentality that can go "£200 phone lost. So what ?" ...

I can understand shouting but not swearing (how can you swear at a child then say it is unacceptable if they do it!). Also don't agree with threatening christmas presents, have you honestly never lost or forgotten something ?

My son forgets everything and I mean everything and I used to get irate with him. Turns out he has extremely poor working memory , I had no idea!

Whoever collected him from school should have checked he had it before he left the playground (assuming he wasn't walking home alone).

When my DC were younger, if they lost or broke anything expensive, I would tell them how many hours/days I would have to work to replace it.
That always shocked them

Although I think you were a little bit unreasonable, I can see why. I would be the same at the thought of paying out £400+ a few weeks before xmas too.

I know LH, it's shocking. DS 27 would probably be like that as well, but more because nothing freaks him out. He's obsessed with Lego, DS 6 picked up a £200 figure and DS 27 just said, "Er, I'd really rather you didn't play with that." When his stomach PEG was bleeding, he just thought, "Oh. Blood."

When my DC were younger, if they lost or broke anything expensive, I would tell them how many hours/days I would have to work to replace it.

I do this. Or link it to weekly shopping, electricity bills e.g “the money that costs is the same as we pay for food for a week”. It seems to be working, she definitely understands value. She’s now warned the next pair of gloves comes out of her pocket money!

I think the only over reaction was your possible swearing, bit other than that I would have been the same!
My DS now 13 lost EVERYTHING at primary school age, jumpers, coats, shoes goodness knows how that's even possible , pe kit after pe kit. I used to give him massive rollickings as I just couldn't afford new stuff. Thankfully he's got a lot better now he's older, just the odd tie here & there probably speaking to soon !