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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Christmas gifts

44 replies

baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 09:36

More a "what should I do" than a "AIBU"

DH isn't especially close to his DM. We've seen her twice this year, and one of those was at our wedding in the spring! She lives with her husband and DH young half brother in next county. DH refuses to ever visit them because he hates going back there. I've tried to persuade him on several occasions, but he just won't!

However last Christmas she bought us an insane amount of presents. DH had bought their gifts himself and tbh there wasn't a great deal of stuff from us. I was mortified to the point where I felt I had to apologise for not getting them more. MIL response was a very PA "Don't worry. I'm used to it"Shock

We are supposed to be meeting them for a Christmas meal next weekend (my suggestion, and next weekend is the only time before Christmas she can possibly see usHmm) DH has already had a million messages regarding what presents we would like. To the point where I had to tell him we don't need anymore gifts. We only have a one bed flat and I really struggled to find space for last years gifts.

DH as of yet has not bought them a single present. I don't believe in wives sorting their husbands presents for them. However I'm already having nightmares about us handing over a box of Dairy Milk in exchange for four bags of presents!

AIBU to be pissed off with the whole thing? I find it really odd to be showered with gifts by people we hardly see. In return I honestly object to spending more than we can afford on people I personally barely know. Do I leave DH to it and grit my teeth at MIL inevitable cats bum face?

OP posts:
tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 09:38

Just get the present you would get for them regardless of what they get you. If they expect the same back they are out of their minds.

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 09:43

The trouble is they will end up with barely anything if I leave present buying to DH.

I still cringe from last year, and the memory of them unloading a million huge bags of presents from their car! I wanted to jump out of the window in mortification.

OP posts:
tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 09:45

Well then that is what they get! It's his mother and you barely know her. Get her a small gift just from you if you like, then you have nothing at all to feel bad about.
Just because some people go mad with gifts it does not mean you owe them anything back.

Aweektilltheseason · 28/11/2017 09:46

I agree its a tough one but its her son I am afraid and his job to buy her gifts.

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 09:52

Perhaps I could get her a joint present from us both and then he can deal with the rest?

Tbh I think she would moan anyway. She loves to play the martyr who's sons have no time for her. It's quite exhausting.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 28/11/2017 09:56

"She loves to play the martyr who's sons have no time for her. It's quite exhausting."

Unless there's a huge dripfeed coming, then she's probably got a point.

I agree tho that it isn't your responsibility to sort out presents for your husband's family.

thecatsthecats · 28/11/2017 10:03

Ahh, this take be back to the days when we were living in our spacious one bed flat, that became decidedly unspacious when my fiance's mum would drop him back after Christmas with a massive (think washing machine) sized box of Christmas gifts.

The only thing that solved it has been 'helping' her with his Christmas present ideas (though we are actually friends, so it's not a burden as we chat anyway).

Reply to those messages, and ask strictly for consumables and experiences. Last year, the box was down to the size of one for printer paper!

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 10:05

She loves to play the martyr who's sons have no time for her

Like your husband who refuses to visit her at all and can't be arsed to get her a xmas present? Sounds like she has a point.

TalkinBoutWhat · 28/11/2017 10:06

What is wrong with one gift though? Truly???!! What SHE is doing is wrong. You need to tell her NOW that although you appreciate the sentiment, you really don't have the space for that many gifts again. She's asking you what you want, tell her clearly what you DON'T want.

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 10:08

Nothing wrong with one nice gift but OP says her husband would get his mother a box of Dairy Milk, which lets face it is a gift for someone you don't like at all.

whiskyowl · 28/11/2017 10:09

Can you ask for something that doesn't take up space, like a food subscription? I'd be really honest about the rationale, too: "We have such a tiny flat, we just don't have space for extra objects, but something we can eat and really enjoy throughout the year would be a lovely and very welcome treat!"

Why does your DH hate visiting? It sounds as though she's trying to show him love in the only way she can.

ptumbi · 28/11/2017 10:15

he hates going back there. I've tried to persuade him on several occasions, but he just won't! - see, this jumped out at me. I am NC with father and sister, and LC with mother, and I 'just won't' go to see DM because someone else thinks I should!

Perhaps he has a good reason for not wanting much contact with parents? She sounds PA 'I'm used to it'? Or controlling - too many presents sound like she's trying to buy him. (I had the same with my MIL - a huge bag of presents each per dc, when we had only got them one or two present each. We then 'owe' her, you see - and she only got one present from us)

She is likely to still buy loads - all you can do is head her off (or get DH to do it) and say that you don't have room, don't need stuff, stuff gets taken straight to the charity shop...

Hard I know.

Hoppinggreen · 28/11/2017 10:20

She’s his Mum, he doesn’t want to see her or buy her lots of gifts so stop pushing it.
I don’t buy presents for people based on what they will get me, I buy them things I think they will like within the budget I have set

lurkingnotlurking · 28/11/2017 10:22

Just get her a gift and don't tell your partner. He can still get one and you'll have picked up the slack

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:23

His DM threw him out when he was 17 (along with his even younger brother) Not wanting to drip feed, but that is why they aren't close. He hates going back there because his childhood was quite traumatic (divorced his dad when he was six, remarried a twat, divorced him, succession of uncles after that)

She's a tricky character to say the least. She even engineered a Mother's Day argument with him before wedding (apparently he didn't ring her early enough on the dayHmm) and then said she didn't know if she was going to come to our wedding.

Not that we're ever invited to their house either I should add. If we were then I would drag him there like it or not. In fact we're pretty much ignored other than text messages. Then Christmas comes and the presents get rolled out. I just find it really uncomfortable. We aren't close, so all this OTT gift giving just seems so forced and unnatural.

OP posts:
tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 10:23

Don't accept presents at all then. I don't why anyone would take bags of gifts from someone they dislike?

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:24

I did get him to ask her for just the one thing we need. Then I said to tell her we don't have room for loads of gifts in a one bed flat.

I don't think it will work though...

OP posts:
suzy2b · 28/11/2017 10:25

when i was married i bought all the christmas presents didn't matter who s family it was same with my daughter she buys all the presents dp's children as well

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:25

So are you actually suggesting I refuse her presents when she hands them over tinysparklyshoes?

Anyway, back in the real world...

OP posts:
Vq1970 · 28/11/2017 10:26

Why are you trying to force a relationship that your husband doesn't want?

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:27

I really don't want to fall into that though suzy2b Why should I take responsibility for his family? He doesn't take responsibility for mine?

If it works for you then that's greatSmile I just personally don't want to go there...

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 28/11/2017 10:29

I would this year buy a bouquet of flowers to take along to the meal. It will be obvious you got them, nobody can take offence.
After that listen to your dh more. He has good reasons for his actions.

Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:30

This is a good question Vq1970 I think it's mainly because my own family are at the other end of the country. I feel so isolated sometimes, like there's just me and DH.

I've learned my lesson now though. After the more than disappointing reaction to my Christmas meal invite (only free one weekend, can only do a lunchtime) I won't be bothering again.

OP posts:
Original poster
baileysfromashoe · 28/11/2017 10:31

Flowers are a good shout AJP

I will be listening to him more from now on. I've already resolved to do thatSmile

OP posts:
chocatoo · 28/11/2017 10:38

If you think you can rely on your DH to step up and get something nice, great but if it was me I would buy a couple of nice things for her myself. I know she's his Mum, but she's also your Mum-in-law and will presumably get stuff that is for you both (i.e. she's giving to you both, therefore you should, in my opinion, both input into the present buying process).
I tend to do more of the xmas shopping in our house because I think I'm better at it and I quite enjoy it (I will ask DH for suggestions for some of his family though if I'm stuck for ideas). DH does his share in other ways, e.g. writing xmas cards (which I loathe).