MIL and Christmas gifts

[baileysfromashoe]

More a "what should I do" than a "AIBU"

DH isn't especially close to his DM. We've seen her twice this year, and one of those was at our wedding in the spring! She lives with her husband and DH young half brother in next county. DH refuses to ever visit them because he hates going back there. I've tried to persuade him on several occasions, but he just won't!

However last Christmas she bought us an insane amount of presents. DH had bought their gifts himself and tbh there wasn't a great deal of stuff from us. I was mortified to the point where I felt I had to apologise for not getting them more. MIL response was a very PA "Don't worry. I'm used to it"

We are supposed to be meeting them for a Christmas meal next weekend (my suggestion, and next weekend is the only time before Christmas she can possibly see us) DH has already had a million messages regarding what presents we would like. To the point where I had to tell him we don't need anymore gifts. We only have a one bed flat and I really struggled to find space for last years gifts.

DH as of yet has not bought them a single present. I don't believe in wives sorting their husbands presents for them. However I'm already having nightmares about us handing over a box of Dairy Milk in exchange for four bags of presents!

AIBU to be pissed off with the whole thing? I find it really odd to be showered with gifts by people we hardly see. In return I honestly object to spending more than we can afford on people I personally barely know. Do I leave DH to it and grit my teeth at MIL inevitable cats bum face?

Time to concentrate on friends - make your own family!

My mum used to buy me huge piles of presents that weren't remotely anything I'd like or need. It was always another slap in the face - the presents demonstrated how little she knew me, how little she bothered to get to know me or think about me. The presents weren't to show love for me, they were to make herself feel good. And to indulge her massive shopping habit.

The Christmas that I finally faced up to the fact that my parents really don't love anyone but themselves, I gave them a box of boring chocolates as their present. It felt so good to do!

Take the presents, say thank you politely, park the presents straight in your boot. And if dh prefers, take them straight to charity. Our local food bank is asking for gifts to give out.

baileys, your MIL sounds uncannily like mine.

Threw DP and his brothers out the house, engineers arguments before events (think our engagement party, my birthday party etc) plays the martyr saying everyone is against her (which they are, for good reason). Makes absolutely everything about her, and causes drama over every slight little thing.

We've gone NC. Although, this is the second time this year we have gone NC so who knows if it will last, DP always goes running back to her no matter what she does to him. Yes its his mother, but some of the things she has done is unthinkable. He lets her back in without even an apology, or an acknowledgement that she is wrong. I've had to put my foot down with DD, if he wants to not or speak to her for the best part of a year then just starting talking again, that's up to him. But DD is 2, they have spent most of her life not talking. He is not just forcing MIL back into her life whenever she feels like!

Solidarity!

She loves to play the martyr who's sons have no time for her

Like your husband who refuses to visit her at all and can't be arsed to get her a xmas present? Sounds like she has a point.

I suspect there's a mismatch of cause and effect here.

I think he's doing pretty well seeing her at all. Even token gift-giving can be extremely difficult when there's that much baggage. In some cases a childhood like that can lead to CPTSD and/or personality disorders (his avoidance of the area where he grew up sounds like the kind of trigger-avoidance PTSD sufferers use to protect themselves). It sounds as though OP's family are normal and well adjusted and I don't think she fully appreciates how awful a family dynamic can be.

If MIL is trying unsuccessfully to buy DH's love with unwanted gifts then (1) she doesn't know him at all and (2) she doesn't have any sympathy for how her actions made his life difficult.

Flowers sound very clever. But I'd stop pushing it, tbh. If you don't see them, you don't see them. It's not actually compulsory.

I know the hideous embarrassment of an imbalance of presents given, but if you say you don't need anything or have room for more stuff and that's ignored, there's not a lot you can do. You could just ask for B&Q vouchers (other DIY outlets are available blah blah) but you can't make her stick to that nor stop her from giving you lots of things you don't want. All you can control is your own behaviour, so maybe adopt a "meh" attitude towards it so you are less bothered by it when it inevitably happens? It's easier said than done, believe me I know...

I think your DH has a history with his family that you are not aware of yet, and I can't see any positives in forcing him into contact he doesn't want. People don't go low contact with their families on a whim. Your MIL doesn't actually sound very pleasant, and she doesn't seem to actually care whether you like/want the presents or not?

I don't understand why people feel the need to give or receive gifts of equal amount or value. If your MIL wants to spend loads on presents then let her. Give her what you or DH feel is appropriate. You don't see her often anyway so won't have to look at her face for long. And certainly NEVER apologise for having fewer or less expensive presents - people focus too much on gifts when it's about being with people you love more (in my opinion anyway). If your MIL can't appreciate that then stuff her.

Leave it to DH. Seriously. His family, he deals with them.

If she calls then hand the phone to DH. If she texts respond saying you’ve forwarded her text to DH. Same with email/actual letter.

I’m not saying cut contact, just make it clear that you won’t be piggie in the middle. He is an adult, she is an adult, they should be able to have sensible conversations over something simple as Christmas presents. If they cannot that isn’t your responsibility.

Not that we're ever invited to their house either I should add. If we were then I would drag him there like it or not. - Oh No you don't! He has a very good reason to NOT want to go to his mother's - she kicked him out as a very young man; she doesn't now get to play Happy Families! Bags of presents do not equal Love.

In fact we're pretty much ignored other than text messages. Then Christmas comes and the presents get rolled out. I just find it really uncomfortable. We aren't close, so all this OTT gift giving just seems so forced and unnatural. - that is because IT IS! It's totally unnatural and forced.

You obviously come from a normal, loving family, and you are well-adjusted as a result. Some families are really not so easy or clear cut.

His mother is not loving and caring. Stop facilitating HER forcing him to have a normal relationship with her. You are helping her in enabling her behaviour. I'd suggest you read up on some of the sad, toxic family threads on here to help figure her/him out.

I can relate to how your DH feels. My awful mother would show off with large gifts, which grew with the size of the audience who would witness the exchange . You do not need to feel embarrassed by her largesse. It is not of love, but to prove a point.

Smile when she gives the presents and support your husband. The woman took away his right to a happy childhood. She can’t replace it with cash.

I don't think it has to be him doing all the present buying, OK she is his mother but she bought you a present so why shouldn't you buy her one? If she was anyone else you wouldn't expect someone else to buy her present so get one from you and let him do what he wants.

Ah I feel for you OP, my dad is like this - v difficult person (long history, won’t go into it!) but completely OTT with conspicuous “generosity” when giving presents. Then likes to go into a sulk when the presents he receives aren’t up to the same ridiculous standard. I’ve got horrible memories of him starting massive arguments on Xmas Day because DB & I (then aged 16 and 8) had bought him “cheap crap” and he’d spent hundreds on us. (Not that it matters but we’d actually spent a lot on him, out of my Saturday job wages, trying to get something he’d approve of)

Good idea from PP about bringing along a bunch of flowers (as well as whatever DH decides to get for her). Maybe donate the excess gifts you receive from her to charity? Either drop into charity shop or take along to a food bank if they are collecting Xmas presents.
My dad still tries to enter into competitive present-buying and it isn’t coming from anywhere positive. He was also a git about our wedding, refused to have anything to do with it, didn’t attend on the day & then rang me up complaining that we were “making a fuss” a few weeks later. I’m actually questioning why I bother getting him anything at all Peace keeping I suppose.

Fuck keeping the peace, I just labeled myself as a push over and an enabler, a personal slave for MIL. 20 years ago I was bemused at the shear volume of mostly thoughtless gifts from MIL. It all came to a head this year over MIL wanting to take everybody on her holiday of a lifetime, our nightmare destination, as OH told her the second she suggested it. It all got way out of hand, lots of twists and turns and other life details the end result being my first anxiety attack, they're scary, and several months curled up in a depression ball. Your OP is happy with low contact, just keep it that way. Meet up once a year, do your duty to your OH, support him! Do not put away the presents or you will be finding useless crap for years, get rid. MIL supplied toiletries for me and my parents every year. Do not feel guilty, it is not your fault or a game you want to start playing because they will just change the rules/move the goal post/lie and attempt to manipulate, so disengage like your OH.

If you don’t want to be embarrassed over the amount of presents, I suggest a sweep of local charity shops and TK Maxx.

You can find a large amount of decent looking gifts for not very much money. Wrap it all prettily using gift boxes and tissue paper and ta-dah a veritable heap of gifts.

The whole emotional side of the interaction is fraught enough and you won’t solve it today, I hear you on the emotional labour. But for me, I’d buy my way out of the issue just to avoid the atmosphere.

Then make a plan with your husband for what to do going forward.

You can always charity shop the unwanted gifts you receive too.

Can ye pay for the meal for everyone as part of their Christmas gift?

Sorry but I don’t think you’re being appreciative of the fact that your husband doesn’t like them and has withdrawn contact and refuses to visit them - wake up

I feel like they were either emotionally, financially or mentally abusive towards your husband for him to not want much to do with them now. Maybe the excessive present giving & subsequent guilt tripping is just another faucet of his parent’s treatment of him? Hence why he doesn’t care to give them £1000 worth of things in return....

I have toxic parents and when I was a teen, excessive money / presents was a form of financial control over me, they later would take pleasure in dropping ‘we got you that’ ‘you would have nothing if it weren’t for us’ etc etc. Like every gift they gave had strings attached and a mental load - it wasn’t just a gift

Sorry for late reply.

Really interesting to read of other people's experiences with toxic parents/PIL. Although I'm very sorry for each and every one of you that's had to go through that crap

I agree that I probably haven't respected my DH enough over his approach to MIL. He's told me plenty of times how manipulative and petty she is, yet I continue to be surprised when she proves it. It's definitely time I stop living in a fantasy world of how I would like things to be. My own parents are far from perfect, but they would never act in a manipulative manner towards me. As posters have said, it's hard to grasp that sort of behaviour when you've never experienced it yourself.

I feel like MIL like to live with the illusion she's a great mum even though there's zero evidence to back it up. DH has to message her several times a week or she goes into a massive sulk and gets emotionally abusive. She genuinely feels hard done by that her two eldest sons don't have much time for her. She seems to fail to grasp that it's because she threw them out of their home as vulnerable teenagers!

I think we have resolved the gift issue now. We've bought a food hamper between us for MIL and her DH. A small gift for the DH, and posh smellies for MIL from my DH. That is all they are getting and if she winges then tough shit. We're going for private fertility treatment next year and we can't afford to spend a fortune!

Thank you again for all the responses. They were very helpful

I'm pleased you got it sorted OP. Sometimes you just need to do the right thing by yourself, but thats so difficult with this type of relationship. FWIW (in case it is helpful in the future) for a section of my family I 'have' to buy for, who can be similarly over-the-top at Christmas without the year-round support to substantiate this, this year I have decided to buy everything from a charity catalogue. So Guide Dogs are going to do well this year, in my head I am marking it off as a donation, and I don't feel bad because I haven't done the right thing by giving good gifts at Christmas. I hope the meal goes well.

Sounds good OP and good luck with the fertility treatment.

I agree that I probably haven't respected my DH enough over his approach to MIL - I'm glad you have realised this, OP.

I think now you might recognise her 'martyr' manipulation, and emotional blackmail. I'm glad you can support your Dh with a bit more knowledge on your side.