Ignored message

[user9217]

Sorry to bore you all (again - have posted many times about ExH on here) but this time I need to know if I'm overreacting or not and would like some opinions!!

ExH has contact with DS 2 hours a week on a Saturday (his choice) and if any of you are familiar with any of my previous posts you'll know it has come up that he really is a bit useless.
When he sees ds I go out to leave them to spend time together, and recently when I've done this (last 3 saturdays every week) I've returned to ExH telling me that ds has 'been sick everywhere' only for me to go and check his clothes bib etc (presuming they need rinsing and washing) to find absolutely nothing in them not one single speck or mark.

Skip forward to this week and ds has been poorly the usual awful cold cough temp etc and it has made him sick several times due to the cough when he eats. I've dealt with it accordingly and carried on, the difference being that I took pics of his clothes before washing them and sent them to ExH last night saying 'this is what 'he's been sick looks like. Not sure where you've got your idea of sick from last few weeks?'

Now I know that sounds a bit petty and childish, but when he tells me ds has been sick it's always in a 'look what you left me to deal with' kinda way and I got a bit fed up.
It took ExH over 2 hours to read the message, then I never got any kind of response from him not even a 'is ds ok?' 'Has he got a bug' etc etc you know, checking up on him.

My AIBU is am I overreacting to think that any normal caring father (who btw claims to spend his life worrying and thinking of ds every second of every day - his words) would have checked on his after receiving the pics/message?

If you've made it this far thank you and any thoughts/opinions will be taken on board. And yes I know there's nothing I can do about it just need to know if I'm working myself up/overreacting or not. Thanks!!

Yeah he's sounds like he's can't be bothered tbh

Sorry but that was petty. How was he supposed to reply. He knows DS is fine or you would have sent a different message. ("DS is unwell, I am taking him to the doc,may not be able to bring him to contact".. for example) You don't mention how DS is and are just using it to childishly score a point. I wouldn't respond either.

Try to build a better relationship with him as he is the only father your lovely son will have. He lacks confidence with the child probably because he does not see him often.

It's not about him as a father. He's not failing to answer a message about the health of his child. He's ignoring your attempts to goad him and wind him up. Wisely I think.

But he's choosing not to see him often and lies about the boy's illness week after week. I'd be bloody petty too.

In which case a more appropriate message would be I would like you to see more of DS. And when collecting him. I thought he'd been sick. Where's the dirty laundry?!
Not a picture of vomit and a sarcastic message.

I admit it does sound childish. Tbh I wasn't doing it expecting a response if anything it was a 'I know you were lying so don't try it again' type thing. Then afterwards it turned into shock that he hadn't actually asked if ds was ok given that he knew he'd been poorly.

To the pp who said build contact, I have tried this (see "babysitting" thread) but it's actually him who cba! He really is useless with ds isn't interested in him the whole 2 hours he's here and shoots back out the door as soon as the clock hits 2.00 hours exactly.

But yes thank you for your honest replies I'm aware of how it sounds

Of course it was petty and childish of you and you're well aware of that. However given the implied history with that dramatics on the minimal one to one time AND the complete lack of interest, I'd be feeling pretty petty too.

Thank you bettyspants

It's not actually like me at all. Guess I'd just had enough! I've always tried to help ExH with things regarding ds including giving advice on how to/not to do things as friendly as possible, suggesting things to do with him and the like. I did pull him up on it when he said he's been sick I went and found his clothes and showed him and said 'no he hasn't?' And he just smirks and shrugs. Was just a bit taken aback that despite my pettiness he didn't check ds was ok after the projectile vomit pics.

Yabu to have such a twat in your home. He needs to sort out proper contact with ds that doesn't involve being in your personal space.

I think you should reduce contact tbh. Him pretending your DS has been sick is just weird.

OK. You need to be less irritated by this man. Yes. He is a whiny useless dick. But what are you expecting from him? He isn't "good enough" so stop frustrating yourself expecting him to be. Detatch more. Be the parent you want your child to have and get on without doing this as unfortunately you're just naking the exH know he can piss you off.

I'm with you, OP. It might have been a bit goady, but in your position (and I have been in your position) i'd be feeling a bit goady too. Isn't it amazing, all these absent dads who think about their kids 24/7. but complain when they do spend time with them?

Archeryannie yes exactly!!! Or those who claim to honk about them 24/7!!! It's more annoying cause I know he'll rock up on Saturday and be like 'oh is he ok now then?'

He does sound quite useless, but your message was to prove a point/ put him in his place. So I wonder what response he could have given. I know he should be concerned, but if the vomit cough thing had been going on for a few weeks he might feel he didn't need to ask.
But mainly he is Just pissed off at being told.

What response were you actually expecting?

To all the posters asking what response he could have given, how about 'oh right, sorry. Hope he's ok now'. Wasn't that hard, was it?

I find it far more weird that your ex is telling you your ex has been sick when he clearly isn’t. Very odd behaviour

Is he trying to build a case against you, i.e. 'Every time I see my DS he's vomiting & ill, what is my Ex doing to him/about him? Is he trying to prove neglect or incompetence?

Whatever his reasoning is, it's highly suspicious.
Something isn't right with his behaviour.
It's time he looked after his son on his own, at his own place.

I think you were petty .My ex who equally couldn't be bothered and had 2 hours a fortnight that he barely attended , I had a mantra that stopped me doing things like this..Which was hold the higher moral ground.

I also had the belief he was not interested in my DS..After I got fed up of pushing contact and him not bothering I stopped trying..Eventually it stopped. I am of the opinon, obviously a great dad co parenting is the ideal but if that isn't going to happen the earlier that happens the better..Less reason for child to blame themselves ( obviously none of it is there fault but something they have to deal with.)

He sounds like a knob, but two wrongs never make a right.

Is he out and out lying about the sick he's seen btw, or is he just have histrionics about a bit of posseted milk?

Yeah its petty and childish.

Why are you bothering? Get on with parenting your child and leave him and his uselessness to it. He's your EX so stop taking on his mental load.

I think you were a petty and your text probably came over as argumentative.

However, this doesn't justify his behaviour.

being petty*

It would be nice for him to be concerned for his kid but if he isn't, it's not your problem so stop banging your head against a wall

I wouldn't have responded to a message like yours from my ex. It's not productive for the adults to get into a push me pull me .

I'm assuming from mention of bibs that your little one is still a baby/toddler - trust me, it will get much easier when he's a just a bit older and more articulate.