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[user9217]

Sorry to bore you all (again - have posted many times about ExH on here) but this time I need to know if I'm overreacting or not and would like some opinions!!

ExH has contact with DS 2 hours a week on a Saturday (his choice) and if any of you are familiar with any of my previous posts you'll know it has come up that he really is a bit useless.
When he sees ds I go out to leave them to spend time together, and recently when I've done this (last 3 saturdays every week) I've returned to ExH telling me that ds has 'been sick everywhere' only for me to go and check his clothes bib etc (presuming they need rinsing and washing) to find absolutely nothing in them not one single speck or mark.

Skip forward to this week and ds has been poorly the usual awful cold cough temp etc and it has made him sick several times due to the cough when he eats. I've dealt with it accordingly and carried on, the difference being that I took pics of his clothes before washing them and sent them to ExH last night saying 'this is what 'he's been sick looks like. Not sure where you've got your idea of sick from last few weeks?'

Now I know that sounds a bit petty and childish, but when he tells me ds has been sick it's always in a 'look what you left me to deal with' kinda way and I got a bit fed up.
It took ExH over 2 hours to read the message, then I never got any kind of response from him not even a 'is ds ok?' 'Has he got a bug' etc etc you know, checking up on him.

My AIBU is am I overreacting to think that any normal caring father (who btw claims to spend his life worrying and thinking of ds every second of every day - his words) would have checked on his after receiving the pics/message?

If you've made it this far thank you and any thoughts/opinions will be taken on board. And yes I know there's nothing I can do about it just need to know if I'm working myself up/overreacting or not. Thanks!!

Oh - and don't let him in your home. It will end in tears and you aren't respecting your own right to privacy and security in your home. Tell him to make his own arrangements. It is not for you to facilitate contact by letting him in your home. Unless you want him in your life that closely (I'm guessing not as he's your ex!) then stop letting him over the threshold.

Pretending he's been sick when he hasn't is so weird. Are you tackling it at the time? "Oh dear, he seems okay, please can I have the dirty clothes so I can put them in the wash straight away". Waiting till he's gone isn't working.

I don't see how old DS is but I agree with PPs that contact needs to happen away from your home. It's your space, you're no longer in a relationship, there's no way he should have unfettered access to your home and your belongings while you're elsewhere. There's honestly no need for that at all.

I'm assuming your DS isn't old enough to say, "No, I haven't!" He will be one day, and then how will the liar get out of it?

I wouldn't have responded to such a goady, sarcastic message.

And you say you didn't expect a reply then got angry that he hadn't? Make your mind up.

Not that he sounds like a Prince among men but don't stoop to pettiness. You had a child with him so he'll be in your life for a very long time.

Yes, it was petty, but no YANBU - he sounds like a complete knob and i know first hand that when you're the one who's dealing with all the kid stuff every hour of every day, apart from the 2 hours a week when he takes over (with mine it's 3 hours a month!!!) - then sometimes you feel like being petty and trying to prove a point - and you know what - you're only human, and it's a hard job on your own.
I've found it really useful to have a couple of friends who i can text to let off steam if ever i'm feeling like sending Ex a message telling him exactly what i think of his useless parenting and lack of interest in his kids. I keep contact with him down to the bare minimum required to agree contact days. He never enquires how the kids are - but i'm learning to realise that he never did pay much attention to them (or me)when he lived with us, so why would he now they're out of sight..............chin up OP - you're doing a great job

Sorry DS is a year old mid January. ExH and I still own a shared ownership Flat together, so he has come there to see DS since he was a few months old as I can't tell him he's not allowed to see DS/winter the property. Wouldn't wish to do either of those things either.

He's recently started demanding he take DS to his house, although regularly proves he can't even manage him for an hour or two on his own - he wants to take DS home so he can hand him over to someone else to be someone else's problem. He doesn't talk to/touch DS during visits, he gets angry if DS whinges/cries.

Yes I have pulled him up on the sickness bringing his clothes into the room and saying 'there's nothing on these e hasn't been sick what you on about?' And as I said he just shrugs and doesn't say anything. It is weird.

We have had times before where Ds has been really poorly and ExH hasn't cared, then when Ive mentioned it he claims to 'spend every waking second and minute thinking and worrying about DS he's all that's important in my life' blah blah blah. I understand the way I went about it was immature and the wrong way - but as I said before it was mainly to reiterate he isn't sick with you. I know you're lying this is what it looks like

Weren't you saying on your other threads that you wanted EX to have DC more so that you could go out on an evening or two? And you didn't want him to take DC to where he lives as he's moving soon and you didn't want DC to get used to somewhere first then have to get used to other places?

Absolutely nothing wrong with either of those things but you need to clarify for yourself and him where the boundaries lie and what you want.

Do you not trust him to manage on his own for an hour or two as you said on this thread? Or do you want him to spend more time with DC so you can go out and you don't feel like you have 99.9% of the responsibility? Do you want him to take more responsibility and spend more time or not?

He sounds like a twat to me but your threads are giving mixed messages (so he probably thinks the same) so figure out what you want and see if he can step up to it.

Then you can make a plan. Sending passive aggressive messages although understandable, isn't going to lead to an effective co-parenting relationship.

I felt he should be more hands on with DS/babysitting wise as DS would be in the comfort of his own home and may be more manageable. However I do not fully trust him to be in sole charge of DS somewhere else that I don't know is safe for a baby under a year, know who else lives there. They moved this weekend just gone

He has babysat once since I posted that "babysitting" thread (yes that was me 😂) and after an hour of me leaving I had texts every 20/25 mins 'when are you coming home' 'how long you gonna be' etc etc (I have pics of these)

I understand why you sent the text and understand why he didn't reply too. Thing is, you're still engaging with him, he's useless so don't bother. Just try and get to 'meh' when you have any dealings with him. He is what he is....you however, are naturally going to have to be mum and dad, it's not fair but there you have it. The Karma bus might pull up one day for him and my STBXH but I ain't holding my breath. 🤔

The i get that this is recent so you're still hurt, but seriously it is all petty and unedifying. Get out of his face and his life.

Agree access for DS that your both happy with and then let him get on with it. Leave him be.

As much as I don't like it, I agree I'm just gonna have to hand DS over for x amount of hours on a Saturday and get over it. My main worry is that ExH has no concept of safety or needs of a small child so would be sick with worry that something will happen to DS whilst he is with him. Gonna Just have to get over that too aren't I?

Yes I'm afraid so

Any tips for the fake sickness in future? Calling him out on it doesn't seem to work saying no he hasn't and showing him his clothes. Ignore??

Yes ignore. Why does it matter?

Mainly because by saying it he's trying to insinuate something about me/my parenting and I don't appreciate that after all I do for DS and he swans in once a week for a matter of hours and thinks he can talk to me like that. It irritates me

So what if he's trying to insinuate stuff? It doesn't hurt you so ignore it.

You've got 18 years of this shit to go. You need to learn to ignore it. All of it.

It doesn't matter what he insinuates or not. You're angry that you married and had a child with someone you know think has no concept of safety and the needs of a small child and he gets to carry on with his life without even a tiny percentage of the responsibility you have.

I'd be angry too. But you did marry him and you did have a child with him and it's a bit unrealistic to pretend this is all a surprise.

It is what it is. You'll have to deal with him for the rest of your life unless you have legitimate concerns that you can stop contact for. Otherwise, he'll always be the father of your child and will be in your life in that role.

It's shit though.

Yeah I totally get that but fwiw he was totally different before we got married and changed again after we split up. He turned after we split and has never had DS best interest in mind at all. But thank you and I am working on all of these issues as I know I have them!!

Seriously, try and get to meh with him. Let him have the responsibility of his son. Presumably your ex is an adult right? So an adult should be ok with a child? Like someone else said, you're going to have years of this. Ignore the stupid arse things he said and reply mentally with 'meh' or 'whatever'.

Maybe you should secretly record him? I would want to know what was happening during these visits and then you can settle the sickness thing once and for all. Tbh OP it sounds really weird.

@Lovemenoooooww I don't need to record him for that I already know the answer 😂😂 ds was never sick. ExH says he was. I physically bring him the clothes he changed ds out of cause they are supposedly 'covered in sick' and confront him and he just shrugs. Totally weird

Secretly recording him is a bonkers idea. What would it achieve?