New Colleague seems to hate me! Why oh why?

[Rockandrollstar]

Dear MN,
I've name changed!
Posting here for traffic - it's not an AIBU really.....
Started a new job about a month ago.
Lovely team. Everyone very welcoming & all helping me learn the ropes etc...
Just one person (female) seems to have a major issue with me from the start....she never looks me in the eye, never instigates a conversation, whispers with my other colleagues & seems to hate me being there!
She's the opposite with everyone else-so super friendly & lovely.
It's my first new job in about ten years & feels like I'm back at school!
I have tried to be friendly, ask her questions, say thanks for helping me (when she does she seems very passive aggressive!..)
Now what? Finding it hard to be friendly with someone so snippy! I sit opposite her so impossible to ignore her!!!!

I worked with someone like this once,she was an utter cow and a bit of a bully too.Nobody liked her but she'd been there since the place opened years ago.Nobody liked her but she was so far up management's arse nobody would ever pull her up on her behaviour.I walked out with my head held high and haven't looked back.Everyone used to look forward to HER days off as the place was so much happier and relaxed.Hope things get easier for you.I'd ask outright and in front of everyone why she rolled her eyes at you.Embarass her that way.She sounds like a madam.

My very first thought was either she wanted your job OR she really liked the person who did your job before but they have left/been promoted/been fired?

I tend to call this out. When you’re not within the earshot of others I would ask “Susan, have I done something to upset you?” She will either then have to admit what the problem is (possibly you have inadvertently done something to upset her or you are standing for something in her mind and you’re getting the brunt) or back off. If she says “there is no problem” you say “ok because the reason I ask is that both I and others have noticed that you are coming over as unhappy when I speak to you - for example this morning you rolled your eyes when I asked to how your weekend was. I wouldn’t want people to get the wrong impression”. Then big smile and ask “I’m off to pick up some waters, do you need one?@

She sounds insecure and jealous. I would say something like, "Is something wrong?" loudly in front of others or one to one when she next does something like this.

People are only like that when they wanted that particular job. They think that by being nasty they will make you leave.
Be as nice as pie to her. She will dig her own pit and wallow in it

What a rude woman. Id ignore her.

I started a place where one colleague had applied to reduce her hours and had been turned down. I had just got the job that was part-time in the department. She made constant digs about my layabout job to others about me. Being a slacker etc etc etc. She was also always off with me. I laughed at about 90% of her nasty comments as though they were a joke and always nodded along when she made out she was just a straight talker etc. Never commenting on her slow rate of work. Or any other faults such as being rude to customers.
She completely hated that she could not get a rise out of me, it wasn't easy but I am stubborn and cried on the way home more than once. Then her husband was made redundant.
And I just said what a good job she wasn't stuck with "slacker" hours like she had told everyone about me, she'd never used that to my face. She never warmed to me but she sorted her crap out and stopped acting like a bitch.
And yes. She had a gripe with nearly everyone. Just her personality.

I'd just say to her right now 'Do you feel you have a good reason to treat me like this? perhaps Something you perceive me to have done? Either way perhaps we'd better go chat to HR about it as I'm not prepared to work with you whilst your treating me this way,bullies should always be called out' As that's what this is, low grade bullying that will continue to chip away at you eroding your confidence.

Some people really are just funny buggers.

We’ve got a woman in our office who doesn’t like people who come in if they’re even a tiny bit bubbly and enthusiastic. She takes it upon herself to not pick and criticise when she’s not even in the same role/team.
She loves finding even a tiny mistake and practically bursts with happiness pointing it out. Strange.

Sorry that wasn’t helpful, I just meant could it be something like that? Miserable or very unenthusiastic and you’re the new shiny happy colleague?

Been there OP, it was absolutely awful. Never had it when I worked with men funninly enough

Calling her out would be a good idea, I wouldn’t and wasn’t brave enough though, nor was I paitent enough to be nice to her either, so I treated her exactly as she treated me, blunt, abrupt and rude. My other colleagues all knew what she was like and said she’d been like it before with many others whom she’d all driven away.

I hope your day gets better, ignore the silly cow!

I agree with PP. If you can genuinely think of no reason why she might be upset with you, then my guess is that she wanted your job and resents you for getting it. I do think you need to gently challenge on it though. Just a simple 'hi x, can I ask if I've done something to upset you?' will do it. If no response from that, I'd talk to your manager about it, as it's low-level bullying really.

I was going to say the same as a few others already have. One of my friends started a new job last year and a couple of the existing staff were oddly frosty with her. She couldn’t figure out why for a while, but then she found out that someone else had temporarily been covering the role until they appointed a new permanent member of staff. That temporary staff member had applied for the permanent role and they’d all thought she had it in the bag, but then my friend (a totally new, external candidate) had been appointed instead.

Her new colleagues were basically furious that she’d ‘taken’ this woman’s job and seemed to feel that she somehow didn’t deserve it.

After a few months she gradually earned their respect and/or they got over it, and they all became friends eventually. But it was a rough few months for her.

I’m a great believer in ‘kill it with kindness’. Just don’t rise to it, keep smiling and being friendly and she’ll eventually either get over it, or she’ll just look so rude and ridiculous that you’ll know everyone else is on your side. If you feel up to it, then asking if you can buy her a coffee and have a chat is a good idea. But I know not everyone would feel comfortable about doing that.

People who perceive someone else is a threat behave like this colleague - she may simply have read your CV or seen how you conduct yourself rather than having applied for the job.

Just be careful if you confront her - I had one like that who was very manipulative - when I confronted her she turned on the waterworks and accused me of bullying her. Got it in the neck from manager but kept my job. She never changed and I had to ignore it until I left.

I had someone like that at my old job. I just didn’t once take a rise. She gave up in the end and started being civil...or maybe she just found someone she hated More.

Your colleague doesn’t have to like you. You don’t have to like her. Unfriendliness is one thing but if it strays into bullying behaviour or work is affected, see HR.

I wouldn't confront her. Unfortunately for the first two years of any employment you're very vulnerable (thanks, Coalition government, at least it was only one year under Labour). Just ignore ignore ignore. You don't need to be best buddies with work colleagues, hopefully you don't actually need her cooperation to do your job.

I had a vaguely similar situation when I got a role that someone had been doing on a casual/zero hours type basis before it was made permanent. One of my colleagues did make a dig about my being very lucky to get the role and this other colleague was very disappointed he had not got it. But it didn't continue, and although we were never friends, we got along ok as colleagues.

Some people are just weird and socially graceless. It's not you, OP. I know it's really hard but try not to take it personally.

Don’t engage with her petty behaviour. Keep it professional- remind yourself that you aren’t there to make friends. Focus on doing your job well. You will then either stop caring about her feelings or she will get over herself.

Say are you OK. Have I offended you in some way. Make sure someone else is there.

Stop initiating conversation/asking how her weekend was. When you have to interact, be professional, civil but cool.

I wouldn't challenge her on it unless you have at least one witness to something she says or does and it's very concrete and hard to disprove (so her silence in response to a friendly question would be good, but feeling that she used a hostile or rude tone of voice wouldn't).

Dont let her get to you - and whatever you do dont take her off somewhere for a coffee and a chat. You dont know how she'll misconstrue the conversation behind your back.
Wherever possible make sure theres a witness to your interactions and keep them public.

Rise above it and stay professional. Dont get drawn into her drama.

Sounds like someone I used to work with. She would go out of her way to try and embarrass me and pull me up in front of other colleagues and parents ( I worked in a nursery). I would be in tears in the toilets almost every day. I was only 18 and very meek and mild back then, she was 24 and a loudmouth who no one would dare answer back. She eventually turned her attentions from me to another new member of staff who eventually had her suspended for bullying and it all came out. Unfortunately she kept her job but I always wished I had spoke up sooner. She was so horrible.

Some people I believe genuinely think that's an ok response to that question, and then you are supposed to say back, 'oh dear, what happened?' I think. Then they regale you with all the ways that other people ruined their weekend for them. I used to get offended by people like that, then I realised it has become more normal.
But that doesn't explain the other behaviour. It sounds horrible and I hope you can rise above it OP. I am not great in the face of that sort of stuff and tend to take it much too personally.