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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered that colleague didn't accept my friend request?

61 replies

moutonfou · 26/11/2017 22:10

I've started working closely with a new person at work and we get on well. I saw on Facebook that she had others on the team as friends, so presumably didn't have any issue with adding work people. So I requested.

She never accepted and Facebook is now giving me the option to add her, which I presume means she actually rejected it.

She is acting just the same towards me and it's never been mentioned but AIBU to feel kind of rejected? It wouldn't bother me if she had nobody from work on there, but she has others who I'd consider on a similar 'level' to me in a working relationship sense.

It's putting me on edge and making me wonder if her nice behaviour towards me is just for show and she actually doesn't like/trust me or something. I know it's pathetic to worry about Facebok but there you go. Maybe just sharing will make me feel better.

OP posts:
Becles · 26/11/2017 23:03

No colleagues as Facebook friends no matter how well we get along. I add colleagues only once I've left.

Nazdarovye · 26/11/2017 23:06

NamasteNiki from the people you may know section. There were a couple of people from real life with whom I have no friends in common on Facebook and they didn't even have my phone number, yet I regularly saw/see them on that section which means they put my name in the search box and keep checking on me.

NamasteNiki · 26/11/2017 23:10

Nazdarovye

That is an urban myth and no proof someone has been looking. Particularly if you have mutual friends, work at the same place or have each others phone numbers or emails saved.

DeltaWave · 26/11/2017 23:15

Is she active on FB? I have two pending requests, but will not be adding any more people to FB as I don't use it any more. The only reason I ever visit FB these days is when I follow a link to something on FB from somewhere like an MN post.

TinselTwins · 26/11/2017 23:20

I wouldn't add you either, nothing personal there's just no need, if I needed to contact you so could just speak to you at work!

Wolfiefan · 26/11/2017 23:20

Maybe she has known the other colleagues for years? Maybe they meet up outside of work?
You've just started? Very soon to be friending almost complete strangers.

TinselTwins · 26/11/2017 23:21

"yet I regularly saw/see them on that section which means they put my name in the search box and keep checking on me. "
No it doesnt, your gps could overlap, similar local pages etc

Original poster
moutonfou · 26/11/2017 23:29

Wolfiefan no I've just moved teams, and I did already know this person as we were in the same wider team so paths would cross, but now I am in the same team so spending all day every day working mainly with her.

OP posts:
JamesBondsMrs · 26/11/2017 23:30

I've had similar with a person who does the same hobby as me. I even give regular lifts to the person, but I'm not good enough to be accepted on fb (despite others being accepted who I know they don't socialise with any more than me). Yanbu. Ho hum.

TinselTwins · 26/11/2017 23:35

If you see them every day why on earth do you need to be Facebook friends? Can't you just speak in person?

Original poster
moutonfou · 26/11/2017 23:41

TinselTwins I was adding someone else (who had encouraged me to) and didn't want this person to see and feel left out (as I would have personally).

Clearly, she didn't feel left out or want to be added! But now I feel foolish/rejected when I was just trying to be polite.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/11/2017 23:45

But you've only just started actually working with this person?
And TBH if I worked with someone all day I wouldn't want to spend my evenings and weekends with them on FB too!
FB is for actual friends and family. Workplace is for work colleagues.

Rainbunny · 26/11/2017 23:47

Her attitude to using FB may have evolved and she might just feel like being more private online now. I used to be far more "promiscuous" so to speak Grin on FB about adding anyone I knew but over the years I've used FB less and less and honestly just use it to keep up with a few close friends and family so I don't add colleagues or casual friends anymore but I still have old colleagues as friends on my account.

TheStoic · 27/11/2017 01:55

I regularly saw/see them on that section which means they put my name in the search box and keep checking on me.

That's not what that means.

oldlaundbooth · 27/11/2017 01:59

Oh GOD, fuck adding colleagues on Facebook, it's too much like hard work.

Church and state IMO.

helen3000 · 27/11/2017 02:03

Wouldn't take it personally, but I too would be a little bit miffed. The fact the 'add friend' button is active shows she has declined the request. That is a bit odd. When I have had people trying to add me who I am not sure about, I leave the friend request there. Usually for quite a few weeks, then I accept, or decline after a few weeks...

Could you ask her? Or maybe try to add her again...???

Topseyt · 27/11/2017 02:22

This sort of crap is why I simply cannot be arsed with FB. It causes so much bloody angst, and needlessly too.

Don't take it so personally. Perhaps she is like me and hardly ever active on there. On the odd occasion I do look in on it I find friend requests and suggestions from people I have hardly ever come across.

I turn them down. I am just not interested.

helen3000 · 27/11/2017 03:04

@Topseyt

Don't take it so personally. Perhaps she is like me and hardly ever active on there. On the odd occasion I do look in on it I find friend requests and suggestions from people I have hardly ever come across.

I guess the point is though, that this colleague has not been 'inactive,' she has actively declined the friend request, which is not quite the same as just 'not accepting' it. She has seen the request, and has gone in and clicked 'decline friend request...'

The OP can tell that because when she sent the friend request, the 'send friend request' button would have changed to 'friend request sent.' Then once the other person accepts, the button changes to the word 'friends.'

However, the button has shown up as 'send friend request' once again, which shows the friend request has been denied and rejected.

Rightly or wrongly, I think it's acceptable for the OP to be a little bit miffed. She thought she had a connection with the colleague, and she has basically refused her friend request. (Although the OP's colleague has done no wrong in doing this...)

I would send the friend request again, and if it's declined again, just let it go and assume she doesn't want you on her Facebook friends list. That is her right, and I wouldn't behave any differently towards her. Maybe as the friendship progresses, she will add you @moutonfou

For now though, don't stress about it. Everyone is different, and whilst some people will add a monkey they met at the zoo, some people are a lot more choosy and picky, about who they have on their facebook friends list.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/11/2017 07:52

Like others on here I only accept colleagues as FB friends if they are friends outside of work. In your colleague's position I would not have accepted you but I do have other colleagues as FB friends (one is my neighbour and I knew her before we started working together; another I know through a mutual hobby). So I would imagine something similar in your case.

JustHope · 27/11/2017 08:13

Although I am pretty good friends with my work colleagues, I am not friends with them on FB. I share what I want with them in person but once I leave work I don’t really want their pictures and comments following me home. Work and home are separated and that’s how I like it.

rightsaidfrederickII · 27/11/2017 08:16

I'm a bit selective about which colleagues I add - I'll accept those I work closely with and are at roughly similar levels, but not my direct reports as I want to maintain a certain level of professional boundaries

Perhaps your colleague had her own demarcation?

Original poster
moutonfou · 27/11/2017 08:38

The thing is rightsaidfred she had added her direct report, who only started 12 months ago, and she doesn't see outside work. So that puts paid to 'maybe she has a close relationship/has known them for years/added them years ago/only adds peers'

I have actually known her (albeit not worked closely with her) for longer than that person and am a peer not a direct report.

I guess it will just have to be a mystery and like others have said, as long as the working relationship feels positive, I'll just presume she had her reasons.

OP posts:
Lozmatoz · 27/11/2017 08:43

And here is a classic example of why Facebook fucks people up. She's definitely not worth knowing in real life if she won't accept you on Facebook - how dare she!

NamasteNiki · 27/11/2017 08:53

She didn't accept so block her

Littlehenrylee · 27/11/2017 08:59

I was thinking about this again. I think it is more honourable not to request a friendship request in the first place than accept and put on a restricted list.

I am saying this as someone who has over half my friends on the restricted list because I either don’t like them or I dont want them seeing my personal details. These are people who requested my details not vice versa.

When I am placed on restrictive lists I feel insulted. I know that is hypocritical.

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