To properly give up on men

[Rubbermaid]

This isn’t (or at least I hope it doesn’t come across as) self-pitying, but I think I’ve finally given up on having a relationship with a man.

The boys and men from my childhood were all unpleasant at best and abusive at worst. Possibly as a result of this I became a teenager/young woman with low self-esteem which of course atttracted more abusive men.

As I’ve got older, the men have been less nasty but have all turned out eventually to be dishonest or cheats or both.

I’m 39 now. When I look back on my life so far can honestly say I’ve never been happier as a result of being in a relationship except for the first few honeymoon-period months.

I’ve been single for two years now, I have a 17 month old dd and I’m fine. I eat more healthily, I’m more organised, I make a lot of effort with my friendships (have wonderful friends) and am about to undertake further study in order to change careers.

However I’ve still had this nagging feeling that possibly ‘the one’ is still out there, and I lurk about on a couple of dating sites. And whenever I’ve been thinking about the future, I admit I have been imagining a man in it.

This is fucking stupid though isn’t it? Why on earth, given my history would I even still be considering this? I’m clearly better off on my own! I want for nothing (not rich, but it’s a hell of a lot easier budgeting for just yourself and one child!), I own my home (tiny flat but still) - the only thing I can think of is sex but I’ve gone so long without I barely think about it.

Surely now is the time to come off the depressing dating sites, stop vaguely imagining a man in all my future plans and just accept that it’s actually completely fine to not have another relationship!

Tbh if I were you I probably would come off the dating sites.
But you’re only 39, there’s probably another 39 years ahead of you. You may meet someone who enhances your life. Particularly after the parenting years, you could date someone but live alone if that suits.

Because DD will have left home and started building her own life in 17 years, which'll leave you alone in your late fifties with potentially a further 25+ years of loneliness ahead of you just when you're moving into the autumn of life and need someone there.

If you're an island and think you'll be fine, then you've answered your own question. Most people aren't, which is why marriage developed as an institution in the first place.

I am glad you are happy, but most of the men I have had in my life have been lovely. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on.

I refuse to be treated less than a goddess.

speakout apart from when I was younger, I didn’t let myself be treated badly either, as soon as I found out about any dishonesty or cheating I ended it. I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to sound that way, but it comes across a bit smug, like, I could have avoided being cheated on?

This was me about eighteen months ago, well minus the abusive childhood but I did grow up with terrible self esteem regardless and my life continues down a similar path to you. Nowadays I am deliriously happy with a guy I met on a dating site. He’s the kindest, most genuine person I’ve ever known and while I might not believe in “the one” he’s certainly the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. There’s no harm in taking a break to focus on your young daughter. I was single for 3.5 years after my daughter’sdad left, but don’t give up forever and when you do start looking again maintain high standards!

I'm with you OP. Other than the ex who helped create my kids, at no point in my 42 years on this planet has a relationship enhanced my life and made it better. It may well be my poor decision making in the past, but I have no intention of having another relationship. I am so much happier single I would never give that up.

There are also a lot of people who are only happy in relationships and that's ok too. I don't judge them and it would be nice if they didn't judge me. Some people are unable to comprehend that this is a choice but I think it says more about them than about me.

And as for the poster who said about heading into the autumn of your life and needing someone at that point, I'm afraid I just don't agree at all. I have friends, really good friends who provide everything I need in terms of companionship and support. I don't need to live in the same house and be in a relationship to get that support.

You'll be absolutely fine OP. Ditch the dating sites. Friends and the occasional lover are all you need

kitkatsky glad you’ve met a good one

And thanks Monsieur! I think I’ll be just fine!

No, there are good men out there.

You just need to learn to spot the ones who aren't.

I think I’ve lost faith in my ability to do that - the last two were so nice, and well-liked, with lots of friends, my family and friends liked them, seemed really good guys. But one of them cheated and the other one turned out to be a pathological liar, who also cheated.

Jeanvaljean27
^Because DD will have left home and started building her own life in 17 years, which'll leave you alone in your late fifties with potentially a further 25+ years of loneliness ahead of you just when you're moving into the autumn of life and need someone there.*

Sorry but I would like to take issue with your comment above. You make the assumption that 25 years of living alone must equal loneliness. It may be the case for you but it is definitely not the case for me and I'm pretty sure plenty of other people.

It has been many years since I was in a relationship and I have never felt lonely or alone. It is perfectly possible to live a full and happy life without being in a relationship and I have never understood how it is seemingly impossible for some women to be happy without a man, any man in their lives, even one who adds nothing positive to her life and in some cases is even a cheater or abuser.

Single people aren't living in some sort of half life twilight zone just waiting for a man to rescue us from the horror of living alone, we are actually fully functioning members of society.

I am older than you and completely relate to your feelings.

I think a lot of good men are still in relationships becsuse they have the skills to keep a relationship going.Many of those that are available will not have managed to compromise/be faithful/be responsible etc to keep a relationship together.
My ex has made me distrustful as he managed to keep up his mask for a really long time.I also know he will appear credible to a new woman.Scary to think he could be targeting someone now!

I absolutely don't think in your later years you need someone, the likelyhood is you could be a carer. I know many happy older women who are single..more so than happy married women who have grumpy husbands.

After lots of counselling I've realised I tend to be too heart centred when making romantic decisions and need to reinforce my gut instincts.I dont think I had self esteem issues when I met ex but I had not learned to listen to my instincts.I was almost too logical and as I couldnt "name" the issue I disregarded it as illogical or over cautious.

Consider all decisions in your life and work out if you have head/heart and gut working for you.It will make you feel more trusting of yourself.

Don't give up OP. Make your 40th year a turning point. Stop dwelling on the past and letting it define you - it's gone. Decide what you want and don't compromise. If it happens it happens.

I'm 29 & have definitely given up!!! Spent five years as a single mum, never had an issue was quite happy. Met a new partner, all seemed well, baby on the way, living together...yeah he's fucked off so back to singledom with soon to be two kids. Have now decided i am no longer allowed to date - clearly i choose the cunts anyway - and when my DC are old enough to fly the nest i will buy myself a couple of dogs & become the neighbourhood crazy dog lady

It's not an assumption SilverySurfer, there's a very strong correlation between marital status and loneliness in the over 50s according to the not inconsiderable body of research done on the subject.

I'd advise looking at AgeUK's evidence review here before proclaiming your own experience to be that of all mankind.

According to that data, 61% of widowed over 50s and 51% of divorced/separated over 50s disagree with you. OP's asking for validation to allow her to come off these dating websites she's on. As part of that, she's seeking reassurance that 'it'll be fine'. Whatever your personal experience of the matter is, I'm pointing out that statistically she's more likely than not to experience loneliness as a consequence of the decision.

I have a friend for you, he’s lovelt, very genuine and respectful. It makes me sad that he’s single!

Seriously though, I’ve found with friends in similar situations that when they have ‘given up’ and came away from the dating sites, focussed on children and doing new and exciting things - that’s when someone new has has come along.
Good luck OP, and don’t give up just yet!

YANBU that is perfectly up to you and you are perfectly free to change your mind down the line if you wish. At the end of the day relationships are supposed to bring you some happiness (even if they bring difficulties for what ever reason). So your reasoning is perfectly reasonable.

There is a growing male and women are up on relationships in the aim of seeking self improvement and reaching other goals such as fitness, career, self esteem. We have way more options in life these days. Plus I don't think the growing numbers of life singletons carry quite the say stigma as in the past. But personally despite my own bad experiences I could never give up on the opposite sex even thought I am a little jaded these day. Deep down there is an old romantic in me.

But I think there is defiantly merit in being the best person you can be first and foremost. If the men you are experiencing are causing more harm that good definitely worth having a break and reassessing or giving up. You can give it a try and see if it brings you more happiness. If not assess and try something else.

Jeanvaljean don’t those statistics mean that roughly half of separated or widowed people are lonely but the other half aren’t?

I'm 36 and completely understand where you're coming from. I too have found that my 'baseline normal' is to revert to being single, where I'm enduringly happy.
In retrospect, all relationships I've had have been stressful, painful or damaging and actually, if I look throughout the relationships of people close to me, I wouldn't swap my life for theirs any day.
Being in a relationship and having children needs to be stopped looking at as markers for a successful life. Happiness should be the only marker, in whatever form that comes.

And of course, the older I get and the more I understand who men are and what drives them, the more off the whole idea I am. I only wish I'd known 20yrs ago.

And thanks for the responses, both from those saying don’t give up and those saying it’s ok to!

Insomnibrat Reading about some people’s male partners on here reinforces my feelings about staying single. I feel really sad and angry about what some women endure!

I understand what you're saying, OP. All in all, the men I have chosen in my life have given me a lot of headaches over the years and in many ways it is so much easier to be alone. When I lived alone
the place stayed tidy
I put things down and they were still in the same place when I came to pick them up,
my finances worked like a dream,
I could invite who I wanted to visit and I could go wherever I wanted with whoever I liked.

BUT in the end I went back to internet dating and I've now been married for 5 years. It does work and he is a kind man but just occasionally I recall my living alone., with longing.

Maybe you're like me, OP: when you're single you want to be married, and when you're married you want to be single.

Either way, you still wake up in the morning with yourself.

And as for the pearl clutching 'oh but you'll grow old lonely, Dear' brigade....HA!

Firstly, a lot of us won't reach infirmity.
Secondly, the man who is supposed to look after me might die before I do.
Thirdly, I won't spend 40yrs in an unhappy existence just I case I get lonely when I'm 80, for the last 10.

Don't keep yourself in a constant state of readiness, looking out for someone to come along and choose you.
Many women do that and most men don't.
Value yourself and the life that you have just now and then later on, heading into your autumn years (as a pp picturesquely put it), you'll still be independent and happy.

I don't see any harm in coming off dating sites for a while now and seeing how you feel. It's not like employment where opting out for a few years can have long-term consequences. If you decide you're willing to explore companionship again in your terms in six months or a year or five, you can.

Rubbermaid, as the numbers say, 62% of widowed and 51% of divorced/separated.

So yes, she could take the attitude implicit in your statement that she'll probably be the lucky 1 in 2 who never feel loneliness living on her own as she gets older.

She'd be pretty unfortunate however if the coin toss went the other way because not only is being older and lonely crap, it also doubles your risk of Alzheimer's, increases cardiovascular risk, impairs the immune system and increases infection rates, impairs sleep, increases the risk of developing depression and anxiety disorders, reduces life expectancy. In short it screws up both your physical and mental health.

So not a decision to be made lightly. Though I can understand that she feels dispirited having by the sounds of it never had a productive, fulfilling relationship and possibly having a very particular view of men coloured by her experiences.