To properly give up on men

[Rubbermaid]

This isn’t (or at least I hope it doesn’t come across as) self-pitying, but I think I’ve finally given up on having a relationship with a man.

The boys and men from my childhood were all unpleasant at best and abusive at worst. Possibly as a result of this I became a teenager/young woman with low self-esteem which of course atttracted more abusive men.

As I’ve got older, the men have been less nasty but have all turned out eventually to be dishonest or cheats or both.

I’m 39 now. When I look back on my life so far can honestly say I’ve never been happier as a result of being in a relationship except for the first few honeymoon-period months.

I’ve been single for two years now, I have a 17 month old dd and I’m fine. I eat more healthily, I’m more organised, I make a lot of effort with my friendships (have wonderful friends) and am about to undertake further study in order to change careers.

However I’ve still had this nagging feeling that possibly ‘the one’ is still out there, and I lurk about on a couple of dating sites. And whenever I’ve been thinking about the future, I admit I have been imagining a man in it.

This is fucking stupid though isn’t it? Why on earth, given my history would I even still be considering this? I’m clearly better off on my own! I want for nothing (not rich, but it’s a hell of a lot easier budgeting for just yourself and one child!), I own my home (tiny flat but still) - the only thing I can think of is sex but I’ve gone so long without I barely think about it.

Surely now is the time to come off the depressing dating sites, stop vaguely imagining a man in all my future plans and just accept that it’s actually completely fine to not have another relationship!

Taking the right mental attitude now could fend off the chance of feeling lonely in old age.
Just having someone around doesn't mean you won't be lonely if they are, perhaps, a grumpy old sod.

speakout that did come across as incredibly smug, and rather nasty.
It's great to know your own worth and value yourself highly, but there are tons of people who for numerous reasons have been damaged by people they trust through no fault of their own. Sometimes valuing yourself isn't enough to stop yourself being taken advantage of.
To get back to the subject, I haven't given up on men, exactly, but I have stopped feeling bad about the fact that I don't have one and have stopped looking for one. My life is infinitely better now, as a single mum, than it was when I was married. I am not prepared to compromise on the things that matter to me, and I'm not prepared to take shit of any kind in order to hang onto a man. I love being in control of my own life and not having things dictated to me by someone. I love not being dicked around. That probably counts a fair few men out for me, and so be it.
Obviously I'd love to find a man who was perfect for me, and if it happens, great. But equally if I spend the rest of my life outside an official relationship, I'm totally at peace with that, and I'm not expending a lot of energy to be with someone if they aren't really worth the effort.

I have totally given up on men. Left DS’ Dad over two years ago, had a brief fling this time last year but spending a lot of time with a man again made me realise I truly am happier alone. I couldn’t live with a man again, I value my own space too much now. And time! I have so much more time now. I only have myself to please and that pleases me rather a lot

Jeanvaljean27 actually I've seen evidence that suggests that men tend to live longer when they are married, women live longer when they are single.

Obviously that doesn't automatically correlate to them being happier. But anecdotally I do think there's some evidence that men, after a certain age, fare better in marriage because basically they need someone to take care of them. Women are often much more self-reliant and thrive on their own later in life, unfettered from the constant need to care for someone else.

The implication of what you're saying is that the OP has some sort of obligation to keep ploughing through unsatisfactory online interactions in order to guarantee that she won't be lonely. Which is a) depressing and b) illogical. Depressing because it implies that its impossible to have a happy and fulfilling life outside of a settled relationship. And illogical because, of course dating lots of people doesn't guarantee you any success at all in finding love.

I haven't given up on dating, although I can understand why the OP would feel as she does. But I think the key to being happy in old age relies on a huge number of factors, key among them good health, self-worth, a good network, good friends and a strong sense of who you are and what makes you happy. Having a spouse or a partner is just one in a long list of these. The the idea that she has to soldier on desperately trying to find a plus one just as some kind of insurance policy against loneliness in old age seems appalling.

Jeanvaljean27 Not sure why you felt the need to put words into my mouth which bear no relation to reality. Nowhere in my post did I proclaim my experience to be that of all mankind. I wrote 'It may be the case for you but it is definitely not the case for me and I'm pretty sure plenty of other people.

No-one is suggesting women shouldn't be open to meeting someone new, it's just that it's not obligatory to have a man to lead a full and happy life.

I totally agree with your post theabysswithin and very interesting statistic re single women living longer.

Jeanvaljean so if the likelihood of being lonely and unhappy without a partner is about one in two, how happy statistically in comparison are those in relationships at the same age? It’s interesting