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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Write a Formal Complaint to School

45 replies

ScaryMary81 · 26/11/2017 00:40

DS age 9 was allegedly running to the lunch queue. The TA pulled him and he replied it wasn't him.

The TA put him on the wall for 15 minutes then let him go for lunch, then asked him to return after lunch for further punishment, even though he had done nothing further to provoke the situation.

DS decided to go to his classroom rather than return, as he felt it was unfair, TA then sought him out, and returned him to the wall for the remainder of lunchtime. During this time DS became distressed and upset, which was ignored by TA and had to be consoled and settled by his teacher before he could commence his lessons.

Seems like quite a faff all round for simply running.

Aibu to write a formal complaint of him being initially being punished twice for a low level incident. He has no behavioural issues in all the 7 years he has attended thr school & the same day was parents afternoon, where his teacher said he was a good boy making a great effort in class.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryMary81 · 26/11/2017 00:43

To add I can understand the first initial punishment of 15 minutes, which seems lengthy on it's own, but to be asked to return after lunch just seems excessive.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 26/11/2017 00:44

I’d say YABU. He ran, which obviously isn’t allowed, then lied, assuming the TA knows him well enough to know who he is. He then chose to play instead of returning to the TA after he’d eaten as requested. I’d say the TA is teaching him consequences, whether he is usually a good kid or not doesn’t matter, he wasn’t behaving as requested on this occasion.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/11/2017 00:45

Did he run or not? You say he said it wasn't him.

Original poster
ScaryMary81 · 26/11/2017 00:52

He said he hopped, which I assume meant he did run and didn't want to admit it.

Thank you for the responses, I've been grappling with this since Thursday, on a more positive note, I've retouched my hallway paintwork stewing, I think I will leave the complaint and see if there are any further issues.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/11/2017 00:53

I suppose at 9, most are aware that consequences happen. It did seem a tad severe to make him return. But in a couple of years he'll be in high school and things will be rough if he's not a bit tougher.

Gorgeous73 · 26/11/2017 00:54

I think I would feel the same as you OP, it doe seem a bit too much even if he did run. But I'm not sure I would complain about it if my son was completely fine and didn't seem affected by the whole thing.

MidniteScribbler · 26/11/2017 01:01

It may seem harsh, but it's also not his place to decide he doesn't want to do the punishment. The initial offence might have been not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but the lying is an absolute no from me, punishment will always be tougher when a student has lied about it. "I did it, I'm sorry" always gets a better reaction than "it wasn't me!" said in a highly indignant voice when you saw them yourself.

Original poster
ScaryMary81 · 26/11/2017 01:15

Yes I have thought on the preparation high school, I tend to discuss things as a parent and reinforce school policy as an alternative to shouting or hitting, and have mentioned the preparation for high school in our discussions, hence a more hard line approach to discipline.

Thanks again, it feels like a wave of relief, I'm quite glad I didn't send the email in haste, and it gives me some food for thought on the upcoming transitions into the next stagge of childhood and how to manage it - thanks again really appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryMary81 · 26/11/2017 01:16

*Stage not stagge - apologies.

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 26/11/2017 01:58

It'll be the lying, running would generally get a 'stop running' and maybe made to go back and walk properly. Lying to a TA knowing they had just seen you is far worse than the running.

nursy1 · 26/11/2017 02:30

TA are a bit of a menace. They seem to be getting less and less supervised and often left in charge of the classes. Had one once make my daughter stand at the front of the class and repeat her spelling mistake to them.
You bet I complained!

Cavender · 26/11/2017 04:23

You might also want to your DS about exactly how the conversation with the TA went.

Was he cheeky? Did he talk back? It sounds like maybe he did, if he was told to return after lunch.

He was clearly angry if he decided to challenge her authority by returning to the classroom.

I would be less worried about the fact he was upset. He disobeyed the rules, lied, and then openly defied a member of staff.

There are consequences to that behaviour. He put the TA in a position where she had no choice but to punish him.

Might be worth talking the situation through with him from her point of view.

I’d also be asking him to think about all the choices he made:

To run
To lie
To talk back ?
To challenge her authority.

I’d be asking my son what would have happened if he’d just apologised straight away for the running.

Domani · 26/11/2017 04:42

OP, at first glance I thought it seem a bit harsh. But when you think about it, I bet ds won't run in school again or ignore ta's instructions and that's a good thing, particularly safety wise. Also, making a formal complaint could start a difficult relationship with school.

Domani · 26/11/2017 04:48

Also, I think Cavendish advice is spot on.

TeeBee · 26/11/2017 07:20

He sounds disobedient to me. I certainly wouldn't be complaining to the school, I'd be embarrassed and look to teach my son that's not how you behave at school.

MidniteScribbler · 26/11/2017 07:43

TA are a bit of a menace.

Most TA's are absolutely amazing and it's about time they started being treated with the respect they deserve. I will completely shut down anyone who says 'they're 'just' a TA'. They have a vital role to play in our schools and in the lives of our children. At our school, all are studying for a full teaching degree (with several already having completed their course and have been given teaching positions for next year. I will defy anyone to call them anything other than the teachers they are.

Skatingmama · 26/11/2017 07:46

Sounds like yours are quite different to many Midnite.

Psychobabble123 · 26/11/2017 07:47

The school are in no way at fault and handled it perfectly IMO. Disobeying school rules, lying about it and then deciding not to do as he was told are all shocking behaviour and it needs addressing. I'd be reinforcing this at home, not mimimising it.

ilovesooty · 26/11/2017 08:01

I'm expecting these threads to become increasingly commonplace as the end of term gets nearer. Hmm

Butterfr33 · 26/11/2017 08:03

The school are in no way at fault and handled it perfectly IMO. Disobeying school rules, lying about it and then deciding not to do as he was told are all shocking behaviour and it needs addressing. I'd be reinforcing this at home, not mimimising it.

This. 100%.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 26/11/2017 08:06

I say this every time one of these ridiculous threads come up, but I don't know how teachers do it with such precious parents working against them constantly.

It's not up to your son to decide what is a fair punishment and it's certainly not up to him to decide he won't be carrying the punishment out.

I despair for the next generation.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 26/11/2017 08:08

And it completely baffles me that parents take their small children's word as gospel when they're telling a story about how they did something they shouldn't have been doing. Because of course a 9yo is gonna tell you the whole truth and confess to misbehaving 🙄 hopping FFS. Of course he would have been running

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 26/11/2017 08:10

Midnite very well said. Most schools would be on their arse without TA's.

ivykaty44 · 26/11/2017 08:13

Surely you should be chatting to your dd about consequences for not doing as he is told when accused of something he doesn’t think he has done. Chat with him about how he should be handling the situation and what he can do

For example taking the punishment but politely stating he thinks it’s unfair or other alternatives

But nit ignoring the TA

Fffion · 26/11/2017 08:14

What is the discipline policy in the school? Did the TA follow it?

An informal checking of facts is usually better than jumping in with a formal complaints.