To think she probably doesn't even remember?

[HelloImOverHere]

Have name changed for this as it's quite identifying and my previous posts could potentially out.

I moved from my hometown but only 20 minutes away when I was 18 so I always knew I might bump into someone I know.

DD is 2 and attends a private day nursery 4 days a week. She has been going since Sept 2016 but only recently moved to the Toddler Room and has a new Keyworker due to moving rooms. She loves it, the Nursery is amazing, close to home and although not cheap well worth it in my opinion. DD has settled well in the new room and gets very excited in the morning when I tell her it's a Nursery day.

DDs new keyworker is from my original town and I went to school with her for Primary. She bullied me quite badly alongside her sister in the year above for years 2-4 (so aged 6-9). I can remember it as it was quite bad at the time; exclusion from the group of girls in my class, pinned against a wall if I tried to speak to this girl or her sister, had quite a few items stolen, others hidden etc.

We went to different Secondary schools and this is the first time we've seen each other since year 6.

As soon as I told my DM the name of my DDs keyworker a few weeks ago she wanted me to phone the Nursery and ask that she be moved from my DDs room and not be allowed to work with her.

Now DD loves her, asks for her when she goes through the door in the morning, runs up to her for a cuddle before leaving. Keyworker tells me that DD likes brushing her (KWs) hair, I think they genuinely adore each other. I feel it wouldn't be fair to DD to have another sudden change that she wouldn't understand, and also it's not fair to KW who loves her job to be punished for something that happened nearly 2 decades ago. She also has 2 children of her own and I'd hate that she could potentially lose her job for this.

When I first saw the KW I got a bit anxious but I don't think she recognized me (I've got married and taken my husbands name in the last few years).

So AIBU for being the bigger person and moving on when the KW probably doesn't even remember? Or do I listen to my DM and tell the Nursery?

I was worried that's how it could come across if it was reported to the Nursery.

Yes, your child would be known as the one with the bonkers mum.

Reporting a 20 odd year old for bullying you when you were 6-9!

What do you think they would actually do?

The fact you have worked through these issues from the past is very admirable of you. Maybe your mum did not do all she could and now feels guilty, maybe she did everything she could and still feels bad!

This resonates with me so much. My son is currently being bullied (aged 7) and I've done everything I can (bar removing him from the school which could happen if it continues). I've emailed the HT and had meetings with him. I've contacted social services, board of governors, Local education authority AND left University (I'll return next Sept when it's all sorted) ... but I still feel an incredible amount of guilt.

The rational part of me thinks that of course people aren't the same as when they were 6 - 9 years old and there shouldn't be a problem with her looking after your child at all. The mum in me says I don't want my sons bully anywhere any member of my family EVER!!

I don't think you should say anything to the nursery OP but I absolutely sympathise with your mums feelings.

I possibly would say to the former bully that you've just realise who she is and that you went to school together - she may shock you and apologise!

ILoveMillhousesDad I think we have already established the work place will not be interested.

Actually, I think other mums and dads surge nursery might well be interested if a person in a position of trust was a childhood bully. Rather than thinking OP was.... What was that charming word you used? Actually, I think they would think less of the key worker.

Rightly or wrongly finding out someone was a childhood bully would make some people view them quite differently, IMHO. And the OP seems to be such a kind forgiving (and stable) person she Doran't want that to happen!

MissTeri I am so sorry for your son. If the school fails to stop the bully they have failed your don, go's family and the Billy and their family.

How bad is it and how long barbiturates continued for?

What does your son want to do? Does he want to change school? It is not a sign of weakness to exit an abusive situation.

Sorry that should be

If the school fails to stop the bully, they have failed your son, his family and the bully and their family.

Italiangreyhound - it's been physical - kicked in the face, punched, slapped, shoved ... the other family kept their child off for over a week until there was a meeting when he returned. It's only been 3 days he's been back at school - no violence since but comments like saying that I was in prison but had escaped, which sounds comical (as it's untrue) but is designed to upset my son. Son doesn't want to move school - he has some great friends there, no spaces locally anyway so I'd need to apply - get refused - then appeal (can take up to 9 weeks). It's something I'm strongly considering though if it goes on which is why I've left Uni in anticipation of this (if I leave any later I'll pay more fees and as I feel it would get to that point I figured best leave sooner rather than later). Other parents are now saying they'll be going in everytime something happens with this child as their children are being bullied by him too but not physically so they've let it slide.

Sorry OP don't mean to derail.

When you think about it, the girl who bullied you is now caring for your daughter. It's kind of beautiful in a way, you can see and hear from your dd everyday, that the girl who treated you so badly had changed. And the girl who hurt you so much has a chance to make up for what she did, by looking after and caring for your daughter.

It's amazing how the world works.

MissTeri you know if he doesn't want to move I would not move him but get agreement from the school and other parents that every single fucking time (I am saying fucking as I am angry, you say what you like) this little shit child (I am saying shit as I am angry, you say what you like) does or says anything unpleasant to your child at all your child will report it and the child who is a bully will be sent to sit outside the Heads office or any other place where he or she cannot hurt a single person.

At this rate the other child will end up reported to the police as soon as they turn 10 (in England and Wales and Northern Ireland the age of responsibility is ten years), so they have under three years to turn things around, becaue being kicked in the face is an assault.

I would personally sign my child up for Taekwan-do or Karate or plain old self defense (or pay for private sessions) with an aim of defusing situations ideally but defending himself if necessary.

I would tell the school this is what I was doing. On the understanding that if your son is in physical danger he will fight back. This is a controversial topic and someone will doubtless come on and say how this is wrong. So I am NOT advising you to do this. But this is what I would do. I would not ever place myself voluntarily in a place where I would be " kicked in the face, punched, slapped, shoved" but your son is allowing himself to stay there as he has friends and wants to be there. He is brave and a total credit to you.

I would make so much fuss that if the school and the parents cannot deal with this child the family will withdraw him, perhaps to a special school for children with behavioral problems, which he clearly has.

Keep on saying, every time, that the school are failing your child and this other child.

Tell your son that anything this boy says is utter bullshit (age appropriate language) and that he should not be believed. If he acts nice, it may be a front; if he wants your child to go anywhere with him, don't go; if he says that you are in prison or have escaped laugh or just smile and turn away from him. He is enjoying your son's distress so encourage your son not to believe him. Not to pretend it doesn't hurt him but rather to realise it is all lies and so not to be hurt by it. It is a tall order at 7 but if you explain that the boy wants to get a reaction and will keep on as long as he does, then maybe your son will actually have a genuine different reaction. This is not the same as telling kids to pretend not to be hurt, IMHO. This is not the same as putting up with physical abuse.

My friend's child was seriously injured by a bully, I mean hospital type treatment.

Make sure the school knows you will kick up the most tremendous fuss if this continues.

Keep on telling your child he is fabulous. He can feel sorry for this child, or not, as he likes, he is a target, but he doesn't need to be a victim.

If anything I have said is helpful, great; if not, ignore me! I am used to it.

XX

Sorry to de-rail, OP.

PS just my opinion I am not an expert!

I'd think any adults judging another adult on their behaviour aged 6-9 and 'thinking less of them' would not be the people whose opinions I'd respect at all.

In fact, I'd think less of them

My mums the angry one.

Well.. there's a LOT of that Never-Forgive-Attitude around. You read it all the time on MN.

"3 yrs ago, DD was bullied by a horrid brat, but then things settled down and since then DD socialises a lot with the brat. Recently, the brat has done/said something subtly un-nice to upset my DD. AIBU to tell DD the brat is a useless piece of shit that we will never speak to again?"

YADNBU. It's ridiculous to expect someone to be the same person they were when they were 6! She sounds lovely and good at her job. It was probably a horrible time for your Mum you getting bullied and she probably only has bad memories so in a way I understand why she's being prickly about this key worker

And no Nursery would sack and very good member of staff for their actions in primary school, no matter how much you pay them for their services

My adult ds is very good friends with the girl who bullied her unmercifully in year 2. Every time I see her I could stab her.........But that's my problem not hers!

Leopards don't change their spots. I'd remove my child and tell the nursery exactly why.

Leopards don't change their spots. I'd remove my child and tell the nursery exactly why.

I don't know about you but I've changed since being six. Do you still play with Barbies and find boys gross?

Look at it this way. Life has given the KW a chance to right a wrong - though she bullied you in the past, she is now making up for it by being a good KW to your DD. People can and do change and this was 20 years ago.

You have forgiven her because you are a nice person.

What's not to like?

My much older sister came across one of my bullies at a social event about ten years ago (they vaguely knew who the other was but had never been in the same room). My sister recounting it to me:
"So she had the bare faced temerity to ask me how you were. I said 'well you didn't care much about her when you and your cronies were bullying her did you' and I refused to tell her. She can piss off back under the rock she came from"
The bullying took place in 1979! I think for the family who had to watch both you (and I) go through what we did forgiveness is just as hard. We can (and did) at a later date go and take it all out of the basket, wash it, wring it, dry it, fold it and chuck it away with the rest of the shit. They never did.
But as much as I understand why your mum/my sister feel angry out of love, it's not productive, it doesn't move anyone onwards and upwards.

I always think people who say 'leopards don't change their spots' a) don't understand the obvious complexities of humans and b) probably spend a lot of their time being angry and bitter about things that most people would have forgotten.

CuppaSarah part of me loves the fact you are so positive but, realisitically, this woman is not doing a massive service for the OP, she's just doing her job.

And no, doing a job you get paid for, well or otherwise, doesn't 'make up' for bad things you did in the past. But the OP has worked through it and forgiven her, so the OP has done the good work!

Return, that would be your choice, to think badly of another person based on what they think rather than what they did or do.

In my book you get to forgive bullies or not, as you choose. As you can. But it is no ones place to judge people who can't forgive, or whose life experiences have shown them people do not always change.