To think she probably doesn't even remember?

[HelloImOverHere]

Have name changed for this as it's quite identifying and my previous posts could potentially out.

I moved from my hometown but only 20 minutes away when I was 18 so I always knew I might bump into someone I know.

DD is 2 and attends a private day nursery 4 days a week. She has been going since Sept 2016 but only recently moved to the Toddler Room and has a new Keyworker due to moving rooms. She loves it, the Nursery is amazing, close to home and although not cheap well worth it in my opinion. DD has settled well in the new room and gets very excited in the morning when I tell her it's a Nursery day.

DDs new keyworker is from my original town and I went to school with her for Primary. She bullied me quite badly alongside her sister in the year above for years 2-4 (so aged 6-9). I can remember it as it was quite bad at the time; exclusion from the group of girls in my class, pinned against a wall if I tried to speak to this girl or her sister, had quite a few items stolen, others hidden etc.

We went to different Secondary schools and this is the first time we've seen each other since year 6.

As soon as I told my DM the name of my DDs keyworker a few weeks ago she wanted me to phone the Nursery and ask that she be moved from my DDs room and not be allowed to work with her.

Now DD loves her, asks for her when she goes through the door in the morning, runs up to her for a cuddle before leaving. Keyworker tells me that DD likes brushing her (KWs) hair, I think they genuinely adore each other. I feel it wouldn't be fair to DD to have another sudden change that she wouldn't understand, and also it's not fair to KW who loves her job to be punished for something that happened nearly 2 decades ago. She also has 2 children of her own and I'd hate that she could potentially lose her job for this.

When I first saw the KW I got a bit anxious but I don't think she recognized me (I've got married and taken my husbands name in the last few years).

So AIBU for being the bigger person and moving on when the KW probably doesn't even remember? Or do I listen to my DM and tell the Nursery?

I am friends now at 36 with a girl who bullied me at primary school. She beats herself up a lot about the way she treated people back then and once said to me 'rest assured I will live with that for the rest of my life knowing what I did to you'

There is no excuse for bullying but chances are she regrets it now, we all change as we grow up.

My sister was bullied by someone who was really horrible to her at the time she bumped into him a few yrs ago he apologised so he clearly did remember and felt bad she thanked him .

Glad you are amused Filzma. The worst bully in my class at primary school was a sly bastard. All us kids were scared of him and he was butter wouldn't melt to the teachers. Only a couple of them ever got the measure of him.

When he grew up he killed his girlfriends baby. Lots of older people were shocked because he had always been such a nice quiet boy. Nobody who had been to school with him was surprised though really.

DD was badly bullied and there is no way I would let that girl near anyone if my family! Your mum has a right to her feelings and I don't know how you can allow this woman full access to your child without having said anything!! To her rather than her work place. Work won't be interested but I would certainly move her

That's awful Tinkly and im Sure some psychopaths show traits in childhood but the vast majority of bullied grow up and realise the error of their ways some might of bullied because they were being bullied at home or feared that if they didn't bully they would be bullied.

Of bullies not bullied

Tinkylittlelaughs that was really funny. DH stopped snoring for a little because of my snort.

I only realised after I left high school that most bullies were compensating for something. One lived with her step mum and favoured her sister. Incidentally she's a kindergarten teacher too 😱

(Just to state the obvious; if you recognise her, there's a good chance she recognises you, too.)

I absolutely would not contact her employer. Punishing her in a professional capacity for how she behaved as a spiteful, nasty 9 year old, is unfair imo.

You must be seriously unhinged Filzma if you find that amusing.

Even if you did say something to her employer, I really doubt they would punish her. (Surely punishing an employee for something they did as a 9 year old would break all kinds of employment law.) They should swop her for a different key worker if you wanted that, I would think.

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you, and from what you have written you are handling it in a very mature, reasonable way. If your dd is happy, you are probably right not to say anything but don't feel bad about how you feel about this person privately. I wouldn't blame you for being more wary around this person than you would with others.

Your mother possibly still feels hurt or annoyed at what this girl and her sister did. Speaking as a mother of adult children I understand how she feels. I have never really forgiven anyone who has been cruel to any of my children and there are some names that still stir up the evil within me. Reasonable or not it would not sit well with me if one of those people had contact with, or enjoyed my grandchild.

Having said that I would have to respect and accept my daughters choice, she would probably have to tell me that I was being unreasonable and overreacting. Speak to your mother tell her you know why she feels that way but you're not taking any action.

The protective tiger in us never truly leaves 🙄

Maplestaple what a really rude post. Disgusting.

gnome "What made her a bully then may make her a better person now." What does that even mean?

I don't blame your mum for being angry. It's great that you have moved beyond it, but I don't blame your mum.

arethereanyleftatall bullying is horrible, please don't put it in the same bracket as finding one's feet!

allthegoodusernameshavegone ""she can’t be all bad to have a job in childcare." Why is that?

Well OP I think some funny rational here! However, I think it may well be the best thing to continue as if you do not remember her.

The fact you have worked through these issues from the past is very admirable of you. Maybe your mum did not do all she could and now feels guilty, maybe she did everything she could and still feels bad!

I'd not confront her, not say anything. However, if you decide that there is anything you do not like about the nursery or this woman's work there then do not be afraid to move your dd.

If I am honest, I would be tempted to move my child, but if you have forgiven then I think you can move on.

I've never met a bully who grew up nice. I'd still be wary of this woman.

This ^

Filzma I am so sorry you were bullied by 3 teachers. "Sometimes I wish I become someone influential just to 'shout them out' like jkrowling did with one of her teachers." It's not too late! You can always do it now, anger is a good motivator, but not the best.

I;m curious where all this wisdom about how many bullies grow up o be nice people etc comes from?

"we all change as we grow up." well I hope lots of us do but I expect not all people do. As the example from TinklyLittleLaugh goes to show, not all people change for the better. Some get worse.

Alisvolatpropiis I doubt work would even listen to stories of how an employee behaved when she was a child. Certainly I imagine there would be no evidence that the OP could produce.

I'd be very surprised if she hasn't figured out who you are, and bullies don't change.
Seriously, if it was my daughter, I'd change nurseries.

bullies don't change

What the does that even mean? Bullies aren't a subset of people. Bullying is a behaviour. What you are effectively saying is "children never change their behaviour and their behaviours remain the same into adulthood".

Of course people change from childhood, it's ridiculous to say that someone who did mean things before the age of 10 will be someone to be wary of as an adult. I certainly did things as a child that I blush for now, but I grew up and got nicer. OP it's great that you have such a reasonable approach to the situation at nursery; obviously it's disconcerting and somewhat uncomfortable to be thrown into contact with this woman again, but maybe seeing her caring affectionately for your DD can even be some compensation for the pain she caused you as a child?

Bullies don't change to me means that those people have a strong disposition towards engaging in bullying behaviour. It's widely accepted that childhood behaviours and personality traits are set in the teens and carry into adult life.

www.sharecare.com/health/kids-teens-health/bullies-ever-change

I think bullies can change, and I think they sometimes do not change.

www.verywell.com/skills-bullies-need-in-order-to-change-460529

I was very badly bullied by a group of girls at secondary. For stealing this girl’s boyfriend. I had no idea she was with this guy or should I say idiot and predator as he was about 10years older than us. I was almost 16. She had a some really horrible friends and the friends and she bullied me from that day til the last day of school.

I met her years later at drinks on a school reunion. She looked at me scared. I just nodded it was fine. She works with vulnerable teens. So she used her experience to her advantage. As for the others, idk. Never heard what happened to them. Some of them were properly nasty.

For me, some bullies can change and others not. My brother is in the not.

Oops posted too soon. You forgave this woman. Your dd loves her. Hopefully she’s grown up and matured. It sounds like it. In all likelihood she knows who you are but i wouldn’t bring it up.

I think you should leave it.
There was an MNer on here who, it turns out, was someone I knew at school.
She's a very different person now, and when we worked out we knew each other, she was rather embarrassed because of who she had been at school.

People do change.

Sorry, should have said "SOME people do change". Not all do.

Hi everyone, thanks for the response.

My instinct is to do nothing but monitor the situation and if I ever feel that the KWer is treating DD similarly then I'd mention it. I do honestly think she's changed, from working it out from the ages of her children (also on the board in the foyer of Nursery) she became a mum at 15 so that has probably changed her a lot. And I'd not want to do anything that could potentially upset DD to serve my own ego or some petty revenge, it's really not worth it, she's 2 and wouldn't understand.

I've also changed a lot since school and anyone who knew me well then would be surprised when they met me now, I just got older and matured and changed like most people.

I can also see my mums point of view, because I can still remember the names of all the nurses that have hurt DD when she was in hospital last year even though they had to to make her better they hurt my baby and naturally I'm very protective of her.