To not invite him in?

[Bobbins43]

My husband and I are separated. He lives a few streets away from us and sees the children every now and then. I rang him and asked if he could bring our son some chips from a local shop for when he got home from school. He turned up about 10 minutes afterwards saying he had bought some food for himself and could he come in and eat it?

I just sort of looked at him and he started to get huffy and asked if it was a problem if he came in. I still didn’t say anything and he just walked off.

I really don’t like him being in the house any more. He’s only been in twice since he left over a year ago. Once when my son (who has severe learning difficulties) didn’t want him to leave and once I called him over to watch the children as I needed to go to hospital. He makes me uncomfortable and sort of nervous but I also feel a bit bad for not asking him in.

He’s really bad at spending any time with the kids on his own. He always wants me around to drive them places or stay with them and I just don’t want to see him

WIBU not asking him in seeing as he brought food round?

Seems like an odd thing to do tbh, to ring him to ask him to go to the chip shop and drop them over and then go away

No. He is your ex. He can eat chips at home. You are not a family unit anymore. Nice he brought his child food. Job done.

If you don't like seeing him then maybe don't ring him for small things like that...you might be sending mixed messages

He's not your errand boy.

You need clearer boundaries. Its a bit unfair to ask him to get a takeaway but then send him away

It does seem odd to ask him to pick up some chips and bring them round but not come in. You shouldn't have him in your place if you feel uncomfortable but I can see why he's huffy.

So you rang him to deliver food for your son and then sent him away, seems a little cruel to me, he isn't there to run your errands anymore.

Yanbu at all op.

Some of you are being very harsh. The op says her son has severe learning difficulties; maybe she can’t easily pop out to the chip shop.

If you don't want to see him, don't ask him to come round.

I don't want to see my ex. I don't phone him and ask for favours. Oddly enough, it means I don't see him often.

sorry - since when did your ex because a deliveroo delivery man or just eat driver?

I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t have any money to pay for chips right now. My son is autistic and gets quite fixed on things, like having chips. So, I asked his dad to pay for them essentially. He doesn’t want our son to go to his place so it sort of works better for him to drop them round to our house rather than take him Round to his.

I do get what you’re saying about boundaries. I don’t get any money or anything really from him for the kids unless I specifically ask for it and even then it doesn’t always happen.

If he makes you uncomfortable then, yanbu. Trust your instincts. Maybe one day, you can share meals and have that sort of casual relationship, but not now.

Wait I g for the drip feed

Why don't you get CS?

Sorry, I don’t mean to drip feed. There is a lot of backstory, probably too much for this thread. He will sometimes drop food round rather than take the kids to his. He doesn’t really contribute in any other regular or meaningful way to the kids. It isn’t all one way; he asks me to fill out forms and read letters for him because his English isn’t so good.

But, yeah, fair enough. Boundaries.

I don’t get any money or anything really from him for the kids unless I specifically ask for it and even then it doesn’t always happen.

You should take him to court for child support then

I don’t really want CS. He’s on sickness benefits and he says he finds it hard to make ends meet

Odd thing to do, if someone asked me to buy some chips over would expect an invite in. You were actually rude here, it would be a way for him to spend more time with the kids as he did buy and bring the food round for your child with extras. I do not agree that you are not a family unit anymore as for the children you are both family and therefore a family unit. Don't have to like him, but why not spend some time with him and the kids? It is good for them to see their parents working together rather then opposing each other, swallow the pride as it were. Never ask him for anything like this again unless you are going to return the nice action accordingly.

The answer is to ask for CS. Because then you'd have money for chips. However you get the money (he buys chips or CS buys chips) the result is the same except one way has proper boundaries and the other doesn't.

He doesn't meaningfully contribute because he doesn't want to. You can't make him by having him run errands and doing errands for him.
Google Translate for his phone, local resources for documents and CS for you.

Or you can decide not to have good boundaries. That's fine too. But he won't create them for you. If you want them, you make them.

Yanbu

Why won't he have his own son at his place? Why isn't he paying child support? Why are you separated and not divorced?

My DS is autistic and it's hard bloody work. If his DF wafts in with the occasional bag of chips but no regular financial or practical support that's unacceptable. He only lives round the corner? His chips won't even be cold by the time he gets home.

If you don't have the money he should transfer you £20 to your account, asking him to go get food and then not inviting him in is pretty bad.

All we ever do is spend time together as a unit of four. He very very rarely looks after them without me. If he does, they just stay in at his flat. When he lived here, he didn’t join in either. Our life just kind of went on around him. He doesn’t make any kind of effort with them. It’s always “What shall I do with them? What will they eat? Why is xx doing this? Why can’t you make him stop?”

I’m trying hard to facilitate a relationship between them but he can run quite hot and cold with both our children and it’s exhausting trying to keep everyone OK with each other

YANBU it's the least he could do for his son.

I would be expecting him to contribute more than he is though

You are sending him mixed signals though. It's fair enough if you don't have the money for chips but you can't ring him and send him to buy something and then turn him away when he drops it off. If you don't want to see him then don't summon him.