To not invite him in?

[Bobbins43]

My husband and I are separated. He lives a few streets away from us and sees the children every now and then. I rang him and asked if he could bring our son some chips from a local shop for when he got home from school. He turned up about 10 minutes afterwards saying he had bought some food for himself and could he come in and eat it?

I just sort of looked at him and he started to get huffy and asked if it was a problem if he came in. I still didn’t say anything and he just walked off.

I really don’t like him being in the house any more. He’s only been in twice since he left over a year ago. Once when my son (who has severe learning difficulties) didn’t want him to leave and once I called him over to watch the children as I needed to go to hospital. He makes me uncomfortable and sort of nervous but I also feel a bit bad for not asking him in.

He’s really bad at spending any time with the kids on his own. He always wants me around to drive them places or stay with them and I just don’t want to see him

WIBU not asking him in seeing as he brought food round?

You can't make him be a good father

I think you are giving him mixed messages, don't phone and ask him to bring things over as it does seem rude to do that and not let him in although I can see why you don't want him to come in. Just have clearer boundaries.

He knows the score, don't give it another thought Bobbins.
He doesn't support his children, so it won't hurt him to fetch a bag of chips over for his Son,
If you ask me, he's getting off very lightly.
If he hasn't got the message by now, he never will.

I agree with OPs that you're giving mixed messages. If someone asked me to drop off a takeaway, I would assume I was invited to eat with them. Either you need to find a way to buy chips yourself, eg claim child support (and he needs to find a way to do his paperwork himself) or you need to agree to spend time together.

Thank you everyone for your input. I get what you are saying re mixed messages but I don’t ask him to buy food for all of us. My son had wanted to see his father since yesterday and was upset when he couldn’t. His dad said he was too upset and too tired to have him for a few hours yesterday evening. I rang him today and asked if he could drop some chips around just for our son as I didn’t have any money to pay for them. It wasn’t an invite for him to have dinner with us. I didn’t ask him to get something for everyone. He just turned up with a bag and expected to be able to come in and eat here and be with the children but not at his place.

But yeah, mixed messages. I don’t know what the best thing to do here is as far as seeing the children goes. I’ve tried to get him to have them for a weekend day every week but he doesn’t stick to it so sometimes they see him and sometimes they don’t.

I’ve tried to be flexible and leave things open but my son needs lots of physical activity and I cannot just wait in every weekend in case he decides to call and want to see them. I also don’t think it’s particularly fair to have it all run according to what’s convenient to him, but I guess that’s not really relevant.

Do I just not get in touch?

Child support! Why should he get away with fathering a child who he just occasionally boys chips for, while you pay for everything?

He blows hot and cold when his child is on the spectrum. That's properly bad parenting. I agree with the PP, you make make him a better parent. Unfortunately.

Divorce him and get court ordered maintenance and contact arrangements. I was really worried about leaving my DS with his dad because he'd shown precious little interest in him when he lived with us. Luckily it seems to have turned out ok. If your ex needs spoon feeding write lists of things your DC like to eat, do, see, play, go.
Don't let him get away with thinking he's providing the odd bag of chips so he's 'doing his best'.