Snowflake alert - AIBU?

[onalongsabbatical]

My first thread (well apart from some rubbish I posted about duvet covers that no-one responded to). I need a quick vent and an AIBU. My DP has just returned from visiting his son in Portugal. Son and partner have a five year old boy. Lovely boy but being brought up to be a bit snowflakey IMHO. So, in the course of conversation about the trip, DP says that son was fixing lock on little boy’s door in new house, and then said, he needs a lock on his door because when other kids visit he doesn’t like them having all his toys. AIBU to think the lock isn’t the solution, and boy should be being encouraged and socialised into reasonable sharing of toys with his mates, especially at five?

YABU to say "snowflakey".

If you are not willing to share any of your toys then you can't have friends round. It is ok for some special toys to be put away during playdates and not shared but not ok for for a child to say no one can play with the trainset then play with it himself.

I'd wonder what exactly was going on in this house.

Are other children coming round on playdates, or is the parent a childminder? Are they actually his friends?

Why is "shutting the door" not sufficient to stop them taking toys that haven't been got out to play with?

Not a childminder, no. They've only just moved to the area, so the playdates must be all new anyway? I don't have a lot of info because I don't visit them. Just seems weird to me to approach this with locks, and before they've even been there five minutes. For all I know - DP has just gone to work so I wasn't able to tease out all the facts - they might have had a lock in the last place, too, so they're carrying on what they've decided works.

I don't think it is any of your business at all. Do you even know this child? This is a second hand account possibly filtered through another language.
Keep your beak out.

Yes, I know him. Not filtered through another language, they're all English moved to Portugal about three years ago.

He's a very sweet boy and I worry about him - but I take your point I should keep my beak out, which is why I posted to get some other views.

Maybe this child is feeling a bit insecure having moved to a new area and making new friends, and his parents have decided to just go with this harmless request for a while until he finds his footing. We don't always have to confront our children with values and beliefs, sometimes softness and understanding go a long way. This quirk may just go away on its own once the child has made friends and feels more secure in new surroundings.

Maybe some of his precious stuff got broken previously? It's not that odd to have some of your prized possessions off limits (like Lego creations you don't want to take apart, for example).
Are you concerned there's more to the lock, and they're using it to lock him in?!

Nah, it is snowflakey. And ridiculous.

You see, Something, I'd have not thought to look at it like that, that's very helpful, thank you.

Maybe he has some toys that are special to him and perhaps his parents are not the type to say NO to other people's kids. In those circumstances it would allow the boy to bring out the toys he is prepared to share and leave his precious ones in his room.

eg. my DS from a very young age would make lego models that were for older age groups. He liked to make them and display them in his room.

There were always other kids who wanted to either play with them (and sometimes end up breaking them) or take them apart.

Maybe this is the easiest way to preserve the special stuff.

Surely just closing the door would suffice!

I wouldn't want a functioning lock on my 5 year olds bedroom door (I have an almost 5 year old!). I'd worry he'd lock himself in and then hurt himself or whatever!

I also think that even a 5 year old should be able to preserve special toys for himself, but yes agree that reasonable sharing of toys with friends should be encouraged.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar, no, that's not a concern. My concern is - they are quite hippy-ish (nowt wrong with that, so am I in many ways) - that he's being brought up to think he's mega-important. And I totally get that the balance between cultivating self-esteem and making someone feel entitled is really hard.

I would assume the lock is on the outside, Jackie?

I was assuming the lock's on the outside. It's a rental, so I'm guessing it's some kind of padlock.

Yeah I thought that at first but then I wondered if it was a lock with a key which could work both ways. Daft perhaps.

A lock just on the outside sounds slightly more safe! Although doesn't look good, it would look like a tool to lock the kid in!

I would be creeped out by a lock on the outside of a 5yo's bedroom door. Many's the time I would have wanted to lock my then-5yo in until the morning!!

Yeah, I'm with you in thinking this is slightly strange, sets a bad example, and is likely to lead to problems with essential life skills, like teamwork, later on. Ultimately, it's up to the parents, of course, but that doesn't mean you can't have an opinion of your own. I think most people would agree with you IRL, it's only on Mumsnet where people are really contrary.

and boy should be being encouraged and socialised into reasonable sharing of toys with his mates, especially at five?

Clearly a lock is necessary as the parents don’t seem willing to tell their guests not to enter people’s rooms uninvited.

Tell me OP, do you let all your friends drive your car, use your phone, laptop, Netflix account?

I really think the idea they'd lock him in is a red herring! Ok, this happened too; they all went out for a meal with another family with an 8 year old. My DP's take on it was that our boy was so very talkative and articulate that he knocked spots off the 8 year old. My immediate thought (I didn't voice it) was - how did the 8 year old feel being verbally upstaged by a 5 year old and why did that happen at a dinner with five adults? But am I just making too much of it all? it's so hard to know, because i wasn't there!

Snowflakey? A five year old?
This is all third hand and speculation surely?
YABU

It's odd. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to have toys that are not put out for playing with other kids when they come over to play. Some things require adult supervision, are hand me downs with sentimental value, fragile, whatever, just not the toys you bring out for playdates. That's fine. There should be other things they do play with when friends come over. But I don't get why the parents can't just tell other children to not go in their bedrooms. I don't need to put a lock anywhere for that. I'm just very firm about it and make sure no one is messing around in a place they shouldn't be and that they have an activity to do to keep them occupied without having to prowl around the house getting into things. I'm wondering if it's for more than keeping other kids out and they just weren't comfortable saying?

Tell me OP, do you let all your friends drive your car, use your phone, laptop, Netflix account? no, obviously. But it's as you say, why can't they just deal with it verbally when there are kids round? Isn't the lock saying to the boy that he has the right to be in control of his mates? I'm genuinely not sure.