To want my parents to sort this out? Talk to me about this situation please?

[LaLaLady2]

Having not seen my parents for a couple of weeks, (though we speak on the telephone each week, I rang to arrange to call and see them, only to be told 'Sam is here' . I backed off and said it didn't matter and the call ended. We didn't go.

Back story, Sam is my brother. Sam hasn't spoken to me for 17 years since a time just before his wedding. Sam doesn't speak to my sons (his nephews) either. Sam and his wife didn't speak to our parents for 8 years but they are now in touch. If we go to family events Sam and his wife ignore me. If I walk or stand near them and try and speak they walk away.
My parents have chosen to live near to Sam, rather than in the town where I live. My parents walk a fine line needing to keep Sam and his wife onside in case he cuts them off again. Last week was that fine line, I couldn't visit because Sam was there.

Last year I was travelling as usual with my sons to my parents who at the time lived abroad. My brother booked his holiday in the middle of what was normally my holiday with them. I couldn't move my holidays as my boys had a holiday booked with their dad. My dad was very cross and told me I was selfish. I offered to still go and pay to stay near them but that wasn't acceptable I booked a holiday elsewhere with my sons.

Last school holiday my parents had planned to visit us fir the day. The day arrived, no word. I rang to let them know I was popping out for half an hour but would be back before they arrived. They weren't actually visiting me, Sam had called and invited them elsewhere. My mum pretended they hadn't made any arrangements with me. she tried to rearrange but we had other plans. My dad sent a rather rude and stroppy email telling me that he was fed up with me putting my partners family first???

Too much time has gone by for my brother to ever talk to me or my sons but I do think the situation is incredibly stupid.

I just wanted your thoughts. Is this acceptable? Am I being unreasonable to accept it?

I would respond to your father, did you say he emailed? Anyway, I would respond and politely point out that is they who have cancelled arrangements without notice, and changed holiday plans at extremely short notice, and that you are confused as to why they think you are BU. Obviously in your own words.

Then I would concentrate on my own family leave the ball in their court.

I would like to know Sam's side too Peach but as I can't even get a hello it isn't likely!

Still smarting about the wedding snub? Wifey fanning the flames?

I tend to think you should have gone too but at the end of the day, it was seventeen years ago! He should build a bridge and get over it.

I certainly wouldn't be giving him a spare kidney in the event that he ever needs it, OP.

wow........ I think you've been doing all the accommodating, tightrope walking and parent-pleasing. I'd back off a bit. Normally I don't think announcing that you're backing off achieves anything but in your case it might be worth saying that you're going to retreat and if anybody misses you and values you, they'll reach out to you and put your first. spell it out

I know it's tough but your parents are proving that they are choosing Sam again and again and it is each time very tough for you. Acknowledge the emotional toll on you and for your own peace of mind put some distance with them, go LC or NC. It will be hard first but then it will bring so much piece in your life.

This is a difficult one. I dont think you should put up with this just to appease the situation. It will blow up eventually.

I agree with kinkajoukid I would back off. I would not go no contact, just low contact.

Your parents sound really unpleasant, and I am very sorry for you. Your dad especially. Is your brother the golden boy?

I hope you can make some fabulous new friends who, in time, will means as much to you as family, in fact more.

I feel your pain. No suggestions, but giving you

I also think kinkajoukid put it very well.

Your parents are clearly afraid that your brother won't let them see him or their grandchild. They are not afraid of that from you. Yes, they have crossed the line from 'secure' to 'taking for granted' .

Your dad sent you a stroppy email? Respond. Express sadness that they can't see how badly they're treating you. Acknowledge that they are afraid Sam will go NC with them again, but stress that you are not their punching bag and that they should not drop you because Sam whistled. And yes, I'd even raise that your tolerance has a limit and every incident pushes you a little nearer to it.

And I'd step back a bit from them. Let them phone me. If they don't; so be it.

It’s obvious that your parents are scared for their relationship with your brother and his family, and not scared for their relationship with you and yours. In fact, they take their relationship with you so much for granted that they will blame you for things they KNOW are not reasonable simply because it’s easier than risking their relationship with your bro.

I’m sorry.

When your dad or mum twist things and make them your fault, you find it easier to just let them. The only way you can change that, is by pointing out how wrong they are an reminding them of what actually happened. For instance

The only dates me and dss had free to vit you were these dates.
These are the dates I usually visit you.
Sam wanted to visit you at that time.
You told me to change my dates.
I couldn’t.
You called me selfish.

Or

We arranged for me to visit you on x date.
Sam wanted to visit on x date.
You told me not to come.

And so on.

Or just leave it. Let them get on with being scared of one of their children, and visit if you can when your convenience coincides with theirs, if you want to.

Or you could talk to them and ask them why they behave like this and if they are happy with their relationship with their son and sacrificing their relationship with their daughter.

Could've written this myself OP. The truth is, like lots of us, you're probably better off without him but it hurts like hell when your parents take his side. My sympathies that he is the Chosen Golden Child.

After lots of counselling, I've kind of learned to make the most of our own family and minimise any kind of deep meaningful contact but in tough times and around Christmas, I can't help but feel low about it.

Do what feels right for you and yours. Good luck

It takes a long time to get over these things.

I have a similar situation where my parents pussy-foot around my brother (his wife mostly) for fear of being cut off.

They know that I would never do that so I'm the obvious choice to be the second best.

The difference is that mum at least, lets me know that she knows the games he plays.

Yes, I agree with pp. bro is a twat. I sympathise, I'm nc with mine.

Take a step back from parents and always call them out on their behaviour when you do have contact.

Yes, life is short, but that also means it's too short to be their punching bag.

And please, please don't give brother and sil the satisfaction of trying to talk to them anymore. Give them a taste of their own medicine and pretend they don't exist. (Maybe you already do).

I think this is quite common in most families. My mum tiptoes round my brother but doesn't think twice about having a go at me.
If my bro does something selfish and inconsiderate, she will tell me off for refusing to bend over backwards to fit in round him.
It's a fact of life so I would just accept it and move on. You could point out to them each time they do it, but they won't hear you.

My grandparents did something similar with my dad and his sister. They would drop everything for her, including cancelling plans with me and my sibling (their grandchildren) at no notice if she called them - she knew this and did it for everything. We always came second and my dad let it go for so long that eventually he blew up at them, they tried to justify themselves, his mum tried crying that they were in the middle. It ended with them being thrown out the house and going NC.

I would suggest talking openly about your feelings with your parents and see how it goes.

Thanks everyone for making feel that I am not being unreasonable in my feelings.
I do challenge them and do share when I feel hurt as I don think I can expect them to read my mind and also in the faint hope that they may change or at least think about their actions.

I also understand that they are in the middle and that must be difficult. I hoped they would start to be more honest with Sam and his wife, but clearly not.

A fine line between taking a deep breath and carrying on because I love them and not feeling like I am second best and worse than that allowing it to happen. NC just isn't me.

Families eh, thanks to those of you who have shared similar.

It sucks, OP .

But please understand - they are not 'in the middle'. That would imply an attempt at treating you and your brother equally. They are clearly more on your brother's side.

You don 't have to consider being NC if you would be unhappy doing so. But I do think you should step back a little and let them do more of the running after. Always doing the running will leave you feeling hurt.

Going back to my post. So, last weekend I phoned to arrange to see my parents, but they had made arrangements for Sam to visit - so I didn't.

In one way the arrangement with Sam was already in place, he got there first, so I didn't go. My question is 'should I have gone anyway?' I feel that by changing my plans I am accepting the situation and kind of giving permission to be treat like this.

I do wish I hadn't phoned ahead and then I would have arrived with Sam there!