To want my parents to sort this out? Talk to me about this situation please?

[LaLaLady2]

Having not seen my parents for a couple of weeks, (though we speak on the telephone each week, I rang to arrange to call and see them, only to be told 'Sam is here' . I backed off and said it didn't matter and the call ended. We didn't go.

Back story, Sam is my brother. Sam hasn't spoken to me for 17 years since a time just before his wedding. Sam doesn't speak to my sons (his nephews) either. Sam and his wife didn't speak to our parents for 8 years but they are now in touch. If we go to family events Sam and his wife ignore me. If I walk or stand near them and try and speak they walk away.
My parents have chosen to live near to Sam, rather than in the town where I live. My parents walk a fine line needing to keep Sam and his wife onside in case he cuts them off again. Last week was that fine line, I couldn't visit because Sam was there.

Last year I was travelling as usual with my sons to my parents who at the time lived abroad. My brother booked his holiday in the middle of what was normally my holiday with them. I couldn't move my holidays as my boys had a holiday booked with their dad. My dad was very cross and told me I was selfish. I offered to still go and pay to stay near them but that wasn't acceptable I booked a holiday elsewhere with my sons.

Last school holiday my parents had planned to visit us fir the day. The day arrived, no word. I rang to let them know I was popping out for half an hour but would be back before they arrived. They weren't actually visiting me, Sam had called and invited them elsewhere. My mum pretended they hadn't made any arrangements with me. she tried to rearrange but we had other plans. My dad sent a rather rude and stroppy email telling me that he was fed up with me putting my partners family first???

Too much time has gone by for my brother to ever talk to me or my sons but I do think the situation is incredibly stupid.

I just wanted your thoughts. Is this acceptable? Am I being unreasonable to accept it?

You and Sam don't need to be in contact for your parents to have individual relationships with each of you.

The issue here is they need to be clear that if something is planned with one of you then the other has to has to wait.
It is unacceptable to dump one of you just because the other has decided that they are going to visit/holiday etc

You can't change how they behave but you can set out clear boundaries with them.

Mum/dad if you have arranged something with me I don't expect to be bumped off just because Sam wants to see you. I wouldn't expect you to dump plans with him for me. I find it hurtful and disrespectful.
I respect our relationship enough to not dump plans with you both if something else came up so I expect the same respect from you too.

I wouldn't let others treat me like that and I won't let you. It's up to you to decide how you want to handle this but be aware that if you continue to treat me this badly then I won't really see the point in continuing the relationship.

YANBU but Tbh while I understand why this upsets you, I do feel for your parents. If your DB refuses to speak to them for 8 years they must be absolutely desperate to avoid a recurrence and thus are bending over backwards to keep him happy. It must be devastating to have a child refuse to see you. Could you have a gentle word with your mum to explain how their actions make you feel and to ask her to be more mindful of treating you fairly?

I am NC with my brother and have been since mid 2015. My brother, for some unknown reason, would badmouth me to people including his wife and her family and people we went to school with. I pulled him up on it and we no longer talk. both my parents have passed away so it is only uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents left. They chose him over me and did very similar to what your DP are doing so I cut them off at the end of 2015 and honestly couldn't be happier. It is a lot less stressful.

Your parents ABU. I'm sorry OP, it must be really hard. Sam sounds manipulative and your parents are bending over backwards to accommodate him, at your expense. Take a step back if you can and go LC.

Thank you for your thoughts. TBH the NC happened such a long time ago it isn't that relevant; sort of forget and move on. However, we Sam and I were once good friends, spent time out together, shared friends. His gf came along and we were all friends too. His gf (now wife) slowly picked off all of Sam's friends. I was treat horribly during that time, not included in family events, left out of conversations, shouted at during their engagement party for being too quiet (actually had just found out I was pregnant that day and was keeping quiet so as not to take any limelight at the party; and wasn't drinking); wasn't included in their wedding plans (nor my son, their godson(yes tried To build bridges and asked them) and eventually I chose not to go to the wedding for fear of being the cause of any upset on the day. My mum was upset that I hadn't been asked to be a bridesmaid when another of our family had, but TBH I wasn't bothered. It would have been nice if their godson (my LO) had been a pageboy, but he was a toddler so again not a huge issue. I did however have family to stay for the weekend so that they could attend the wedding.
On the wedding day the photos took an age, food was delayed and many guests missed the bus provided back to the night do. That became my fault, that guests had chosen to be with me instead of going back.

Sam and his wife haven't spoken to me since.

I have tried to talk to Sam and his wife. Have always said 'hello' at family events but been ignored. My sons are ignored too. Sam's son, my nephew, is steered away from me. They once dropped my parents back to my house and unexpectedly I was here. They ignored me outside of my own house.
Family members including my parents choose who to sit with, me or them at family events. The last one my dad tried to insist Sam had drink with his nephews; Sam went to the other bar.
I do speak to my parents about it, things were very strained when I was equally offended about both holidays, but then I was the 'selfish' one. They get cross.

I say it to them but always pick myself up and carry on. Suppose I am used to the situation and feel life is too short to be NC with my parents. When we are together we carry on as if nothing has happened.

So you were invited to the wedding, didn't go then had a social gathering with other wedding guests who were supposed to attend the night do?

Wow your parents are VU... I would not consider you to be in the slightest bit unreasonable to act. I am sure PP above have great ideas on how to deal with the situation whilst continuing to maintain the moral high ground... I am so in awe of how long you have put up with their poor treatment of you

Forget them OP... his Wife is a controlling ...... let them all go.. you will feel much better for it

Tess that is how Sam and his wife see it, they even claimed I had made food for everyone. The truth of it was some guests arrived back from the daytime reception , after the bus had left for the night time party(around 8.00pm) and decided it was too expensive to get taxis back and too late. (50 minute journey back to the hotel). As they were staying at mine we ordered delivery pizzas!

I can see why they would see it like that. You were invited but didn't go.

If my brother or sister hadn't come to my wedding I would have been

I should think that your parents are miserable that you and Sam don't speak, angry with you both, sometimes angry with each other, and like most people are human, rather than having perfect judgment and wisdom.

How about you carry on trying to see your parents but have a backup plan in case they flake. Eg arrange to meet at a beauty spot or something so that there is something nice to do there.

I hope over time you will rebuild some kind of relationship with Sam.

If you want to remain close with your parents are you happy for Sam to always be more important?

I think there is only so much effort you can put in with this type of rejection and taking second place to Sam. I think it does matter to some extent what the falling out with your brother was about. But whatever it was your parents aren't behaving very well. I wouldn't go no contact but let them make the effort. If they don't then you should stop bothering as well.

Didn't see your post re the wedding. Sorry but I think you should have made the effort to attend your brother's wedding. By not attending you rejected him which was quite wrong of you whether or not you got on with his wife. And having the family staying at your house when you didn't attend the wedding wasn't really a wise move IMHO.

But I have to say Sam doesn't sound as if he enjoys having this hold over your parents and the fact he is taking first place. Take a step back from it all if you can. I know it's difficult.

I really couldn't have attended the wedding. I was sure, following the engagement party that if there had been any issues with their day I would have been to blame. (As it was I was blamed for the evening party not being a success and wasn't even there!) I felt at the time that it was all too stressful.
I did write to the brides family to decline when the invitation was received.

But this was 17 years ago. Is it still relevant?
I know my parents are in a difficult position.

Sorry meant Sam does enjoy having a hold over your parents and taking first place.

Interesting Vivienne, I hadn't thought about guests staying with me as a negative. At the time family were travelling and wouldn't have been able to attend if I hadn't provided accommodation. They really wouldn't have been able to afford a hotel. I thought I was doing a good turn!

I think the only way to claim an important position in your parent's lives is to stage a major falling out, go NC for 8 years or so, then return to their lives, then they will feel the same fragility with their relationship with you as they do with your brother.

OR, you could understand that fragility they feel and try to work with it.

No, it is not fair, no, you don't deserve this, but it is what it is. You can understand some of what they are feeling, surely? It is not right that they treat you like this, but I am sure you get why they do! It is not anything against you, out of malice, but more born from the security in their relationship with you, which is something for you to be proud of.

I do feel my brother is more important but that it is due to my parents being scared of losing him. I have never been prepared to give them such an ultimatum of 'do as I say or I will not contact you for the next 8 years'.
I do still see them but feel I am compliant in Sam's behaviour and that of my parents even though I don't agree that this is how it should be.

I would like to read this post from your brother’s perspective - not because I necessarily think he’s right, but just because there are two sides to every family argument and it’s hard to judge when you only hear one (naturally biased) version.

It’s obvious that your parents think you’re in the wrong - but I do also know that parents can be extremely biased towards one sibling, so I’m not sure that necessarily means anything. It’s a horrible situation for you all, really.

We had a Samantha in our family. Whenever I tried to suggest an outing/visit with my DP my DM would nervously say she had to check with Samantha first to ensure she hadn’t already made plans. The end result was I missed spending precious time with DM before she became critically ill. I attribute it to jealous and manipulative behaviour and have gained some satisfaction in observing from afar how Samantha has ended up disliked by her erstwhile long term friends and her DC.
Not sure if there is an answer except your DP, OP, obviously feel more secure of your love and constancy.
Maybe write them a calm letter setting out how you feel disregarded etc
Good luck

I agree that 'life is too short', but I would run with it the other way, tbh.

Your parents are clearly favouring your brother and his wife over you, and calling you names and 'selfish' when you suggest this is a problem? Sorry, no. Life is too short to put up with being treated this way by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.

17 years of this shit? Ridiculous.

You say that the trouble started when he got together with his wife, and she 'picked off all his friends'. I may be clutching at straws here but is it her that makes the decisions about nc with you, and your parents for that phase? Could your brother be in an abusive relationship and your parents pandering to their demands is the only way to maintain connection with him and he is also a victim in the dynamic?
Not saying this is the case, just a few things you said reminded me of a situation I know of where this is the case - the wife is controlling and abusive and has insisted that her dh cut contact with his sister ( he has said this).

I would like to know Sam's side too Peach but as I can't even get a hello it isn't likely!
My parents think Sam and his wife have tested me badly too and don't defend him ( or not to me).

I think we all know in our family that after 17 years this isn't ever going to change. Sam and I aren't going ,put this right, I accept that and although sad I'm no longer devastated about it; there was a time when my boys were growing up but he has missed that now; and a time when things were really tough, when my boys could have really used a male figure to depend on. That has gone by.
I suppose this is more about how we manage now; how I have a relationship with my parents if they aren't prepared to address this.

mammaTJ I think the Op's parent have crossed over the line of 'feeling secure' into 'taking for granted' and are taking their feeling and annoyance with Sam at being rejected and feeling manipulated and controlled now etc, and projecting them onto the OP. It really is not fair, or right no matter how much the parents are hurting o fear losing their son again.

LaLaLady2 it is a really, really hard situation to be in but I think if I were you I would take a step back from your parents to save yourself from having your nose rubbed in it all the time. Nothing sudden that could be seen as dramatic or flouncy just a gradual distancing and letting them (hopefully) come to you. Perhaps keep in touch with email from to time so no one can say that you aren't sharing news etc. Just always be a bit busy.

I am distanced from some family and although hard at times, in many ways it has been a godsend. No more emotional blackmail, drama and being painted as the troublemaker no matter what you do, and I am able to stay on a more even keel by spending time instead with people that actually like me! By all means have a serious word with your parents if you think you may be able to get them to see it from your side, but I would be prepared for that to not go well.

Maybe just take some time away just for yourself and your family and see how you feel in a few months.