To be losing the ability to cope over my daughter's tic

[theabysswithin]

Just need to talk to someone about this really. I'm at the end of my tether.
My 6 y-o dd has developed this vocal tic in the past 10 days. Its driving me absolutely nuts. I'm having to strain every fibre of my being not to shout at her to stop it. I'm terrified that its tourettes or that its going to go on for a long time. I'm worried that she is going to be bullied over it, I'm worried that I've caused it and that she's unhappy/stressed. But I'm also fantastically irritated by it and struggling to keep my temper. I'm going to the GP about it tomorrow and have talked to her teacher about it.

I'm a lone parent and a working mum and going through a nasty divorce and my DD's dad basically refuses to do any childcare at all so I can almost never go out or get any time on my alone. My job is extremely stressful and demanding - I work a 10-hour day and usually have to work for another 2-3 hours after work hours end -- and about the one oasis of calm in my life was my DD and the time we had. And now I'm struggling to remain calm in her presence and having difficulty supporting her. I really at the moment feel like I can't cope.

Does anyone else have any experience of something like this? Do things like this pass without medication or counselling? How can I get through this?

DD has had a range of tics, none of which present at school according to her teacher.

She has grown out of the odd face pulling and throat clearing one, I'm dreading her developing another one as they are like nails on a blackboard to me

I had a friend during my childhood who briefly had a blinking tic. She would blink at least once a second. Her poor mother was worried senseless. It just went away on its own as mysteriously as it started. Well done for not snapping at her, vocal tics can be incredibly annoying at best but it's much worse if you are worried about it because you feel a pang of anxiety every time you hear it. Not fun but hang in there

Are you sure it’s a tic and not a stammer?

My 7yo dd has a strange throat-clearing cough-type one which she's had for a few months off and on. It seems from this thread that 6/7 is a common age for it, and anxiety could sometimes cause it (recent separation here too).

I feel your pain OP, I find it very difficult too. Sometimes I hear it and I have to just scream inwardly and tell myself I will have a break from it when she's at school. I do think it will pass though.

But it sounds as if you are absolutely exhausted and stressed out, which makes a huge difference to your tolerance levels. Can you see the GP for yourself, are you getting any help for your own stress? (((hug)))

It's awful isn't it OP. Both for the child and the close relations.

My DH and DS2 have it - never diagnosed as tourettes, but both started it at around age 6 and involves both vocal and some arm/facial tics. Neither suffer too badly from it and it is very intermittent - can be bad one day then maybe nothing for weeks.

But, like you, it is sooo irritating for the family. We all feel guilty that it annoys us, but can't help it. Sometimes I have to sit there and shade my eyes so I can't see it out of the corner of my eye as he sits next to me.

OP, sounds like you are doing what I do -- you're stressed, so then you start stressing that your stress is hurting your child, which makes you more stressed... and so on round and round
marvellous how other people's problems are so much easier to diagnose than my own
Sounds to me like you need some stress relief, and no wonder. [tea] My divorced friends tell me the first year is hell, and then things start to pick up again. Hang in there.

My elsdest DS (9) had had tics since he was around 3 years old. Many vocal (snorting being the worst of these!) but some motor tics as well. Having lived with it for a long time I am pretty good at tuning it out.

One thing you could try is a magnesium supplement. I did a lot of research a few years ago when he was going through a particularly bad patch, and there is research-based evidence that magnesium can help reduce the severity of tics. We used this one:

www.amazon.co.uk/Floradix-Magnesium-Liquid-Mineral-Supplement/dp/B0013G4GA0?tag=mumsnetforum-21

His tics definitely improved after he had been taking it a few days, but as they wax and wane anyway it is impossible to tell whether this was due to the magnesium. They've probably never been as bad since so we haven't tried it again, but I definitely would if they got worse.

Please don't feel like a failure. My DS had a few tics at the same age, throat clearing and blinking. We mentioned it to the school nurse, she referred him to the opticians (for the eye thing), but nothing came of it and in the end it died away. He is now 10 and completely fine.

I think it was tiredness and stress for him. Not mega stress, he didn't seem over stressed or tired. But he had such good feedback from school, I think he was working really hard to be "good" at school and that was what was doing it. I just tried to let him relax at home, and as I say eventually it went away.

Thanks all. I know its not life-threatening and I need to just learn to deal with it. But I find it so intrusive. It sounds really selfish but I feel like the absolute last safe haven of my life, the one situation where I feel genuinely and unashamedly happy and relaxed has now been taken from me and spending time with her is now stressful, along with everything else in my god-forsaken life.

OP can I put this very gently, you need to see your GP about your own mental health.

Your DD's tick is a small thing and is probably going to go as quickly as it has come.

But you sound very overwhelmed and very stressed and this is quite probably transferring to your DD.

So please see your GP about you because you need to look after yourself.

ifyoucan'tstandtheheat I probably do, yes. But the thing that's making my mental health awful is not going to change any time soon, and that's the fact that my ex basically goes out of his way to fuck me over in any way he can, particularly by preventing me from ever having any time on my own or any social time. I'm not depressed, I'm just tired of being bullied, threatened and controlled.

I have had counselling, after the end of my marriage and I'm totally at peace with the way the marriage has ended. But I find it very hard to get my life back because my ex is so determined to prevent me going out or having any time to myself.

I am worried that my DD has picked up on this and is internalising it. But there's very little prospect of it improving any time soon.

Thanks though.

I can only speak for my own child but he has had a couple of minor tics (blinking, ear pulling.) he had them at a totally non stressful time in his life. Then things got more stressful but they didn’t come back. So I don’t think they were related to stress.

Ds1 has this, we were told he would grow out of it but at 13 they're still around. He has seen a specialist who believes it's to do with his suspected adhd so now we're waiting for an appointment to have that looked into.

His tics are worse if he's stressed or anxious, and unfortunately, since he has constant behavior issues at school and lots of detentions as a result he is often stressed 😔 this week has been particularly bad so at the moment he's making a sort of muffled woofing noise. It is very annoying but if we say anything it makes it worse so we try to switch off from it.

Yes, my eldest is tic-y - face scratching, coughing, weird swallowing thing. They come & go, and are bloody annoying quite frankly. Sympathies

For you, is it possible to disengage any further from your Ex? Presumably he does the classic control over access to DD and changing arrangements etc?

How about if you just assumed you were never getting time off (unless you booked a babysitter yourself)? Would resigning yourself to always being in charge give you the control/choice back?

Strength to change the things that can be changed, accept the things that can't and wisdom to know the difference - that sort of thing?

DS gets halfway through a sentence then repeats bits of it until he's ready to finish the end bit. I think it's just his brain catching up with his mouth.

I had a stress related facial tic when I was about 10. It was horrible to watch myself back on home videos. It was just a phase and I managed to stop it after a couple of months.

Try not to worry too much OP- most likely she'll grow out of it. It does sound like it could be anxiety-induced.

Our girl has this really annoying cough type thing she does. It’s so irritating. She is perfectly healthy, it’s not a real cough at all. I am just waiting for it to pass. But it is frustrating and hard to ignore. Well done for not getting angry, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever snapped at her when she is doing it. 😳

I've soe experience of this and the child asked the teacher to explain to the class, that it's a tic and they can't help it and not to draw attention to it.

I would go to the GP and just get advice but low key, let's see if we can get some help, but also stay calm.

Don't talk about it with her, unless she wants to.

I've heard "Be interested but not overly alarmed".

I would suggest you speak to Tourettes Action. But it may not be Tourettes.

www.tourettes-action.org.uk/

Work sounds very hectic, you must be struggling. Could she be picking up on this?

Find out what is going on with your dd, could it be bullying or the divorce or stress?

Hope all will be well soon. It may well not last, please stay calm.

Pleas, please do not be angry with her, she cannot help it.

You say your situation is not going to improve any time soon, but what can improve its the way you deal with and react to your ex, and your DD. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you are over reacting by feeling that your only safe haven has now gone because she has an annoying tic.

It would probably benefit both of you if you went back to counselling. It can't change your situation but can help you handle it.

Fwiw my ds had a tic when just seven, he had a few months of being very anxious - an unfortunate confluence of events caused it. After about three months he was fine, no more tic once the anxiety passed. He is ten now and hardly remembers the phase at all.

It will get better!

Also, I was nanny to a boy with Tourettes, it is a complex syndrome which you would probably have seen other things in your daughter that raised at least an eyebrow if not a flag that something may be up before now.

I agree with ifyoucantstandtheheat. I think your work situation sounds way too stressful.

Agree with PPs who have said it sounds like you could do with some support yourself.
I’m not sure how your ex can ensure you have no social life... can you swap play date time with a friend who can then have dd while you go to a social hobby or club? Or how about a babysitter?
Saying you have no “safe haven” is really quite dramatic, it’s a tic...not a knife wielding psycho in your home.
Your poor dd must be picking up on the added stress you’re now feeling as a result of her tic... not good for either of you.

Your dd may be anxious about all the changes, and perhaps particularly about not seeing her father. I assume that if he's not having her, then he's not seeing her at all?
He may well be a total twat, but nevertheless he is her father, and not seeing him may be confusing and upsetting to her.

2 of my 3 had tics. While they're infuriating for people around them, they are self-soothing for the person who has them.

You're doing really well not shouting. Try to ignore. They will most likely pass.