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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 3 is a crowd when moving in with DP?

44 replies

JollyGiraffe · 23/11/2017 15:12

DP and I have been together for 2 years, very happy and often talk about the future. For context, he is 27 and I am 24.

This year, DP bought his first flat (2 bedrooms) and invited his best friend to move in with him.

DP recently brought up the topic of us moving in together, not in the immediate future but sometime in the next couple of years. He mentioned that he had briefly mentioned it to his best friend, and whether he would mind living with a couple when DP and I decided it was the right time to move in together. It wasn't a serious conversation between them, but his friend said he wouldn't mind living with a couple.

DP has asked for my view in the situation. I really like his friend, we get on very well. However, if I were to move in with DP, I would not want his friend to live with us long term. DP asked how long I meant by not long term- I said, maximum 6 months (thinking that was being generous!). DP said he was thinking more like a couple of years....of the 3 of us living together.

I would worry that living together with DP's friend could cause resentment from any of us, and ruin any of our friendships. I would worry that I couldn't be affectionate with DP in case the friend feels uncomfortable (at the moment the friend will eat dinner in his bedroom if DP are eating at the table in the kitchen). I would worry I would start to see DP as a flatmate rather than my partner.

I would want it to be our space- neither of us have lived with a partner before and I know it will be a huge change for our relationship and a massive adjustment, without throwing another person in the mix.

The conversation ended well between DP and I - he was very understanding and saw my perspective, and said it had given him good things to think about.

Sorry that this has been long!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2017 15:17

You're screwed either way unfortunately. Either you have to share, in which case they have a dynamic and you are in interloper. Or, he moves out in which case you're the evil witch who made Fred homeless.

Are they both very clean and can cook? I've seen more than one woman become the house elf for male housemates.

Whereisthetinsel · 23/11/2017 15:19

Remind him with a flatmate you would be very reserved in bed!!

Shoxfordian · 23/11/2017 15:28

Sounds like a bad idea

Tell him you're not going to move in with them both

BestZebbie · 23/11/2017 15:36

If you are living as flatmates, you could all live together right now without any epic "consideration", but you'd need your own bedroom and you'd be paying a third of bills/only doing a third of housework etc.

That is not moving in as a couple, I agree that YANBU.
OOI how does he see finances working if you cohabit - would you be renting from him (as the flatmate does, in which case really you need the second bedroom as "your space", a notice period to leave, etc), paying half the mortgage (and acquiring a stake in the property) or have no housing costs and just sharing bills (in which case he is losing the lodger income he currently has)?
Is he basically loathe to give up the lodger income?

DJBaggySmalls · 23/11/2017 15:40

he was very understanding and saw my perspective, and said it had given him good things to think about.
He could be sincere but its also one way people fob you off. See what he says next time you see him.
And dont forget he asked his best mate to move in to his flat without discussing it with you first.

If you seriously consider moving in, lay down some ground rules and have an exit plan...

amusedbush · 23/11/2017 15:40

I lived in a flatshare with a couple for a whikle and it was great, but it was a totally different dynamic as 1. I didn't know them to start with and 2. I was the one moving in.

However, the fact that you're uncomfortable is all that matters here. You both need to agree on the set up before you make any moves (no pun intended!)

cathyclown · 23/11/2017 15:42

A definite no from me. It would be disastrous IMV and I wouldn't be able to tolerate a three way split where the third person is my DPs friend.

They could gang up on you! Or you could all fall out. Nope.

There is nothing to stop you getting a stranger lodger though.

happypoobum · 23/11/2017 15:42

YANBU

I would probably start looking at flats for myself or say I was buying with a friend. This doesn't sound like a term relationship to me.

It comes across that you will do for now. That shouldn't be good enough for you.

Mxyzptlk · 23/11/2017 15:46

You definitely need to find out how your DP hopes the finances will work, as Zebbie says.

IceFall · 23/11/2017 15:48

I lived with my DP and his friend for a bit. Was quite nice really. His GF was round all the time at weekends too (we are good friends) and it was really fun. Had a lovely 6 months actually.

Both boys were very clean and tidy, the flat was big, we had a cleaner, we were all mainly at work and we had separate bathrooms and the bed didn't squeak or anything like that.

IceFall · 23/11/2017 15:49

It comes across that you will do for now. That shouldn't be good enough for you.

I don't think it does. It isn't wise to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend to soon.

Someaddedsugar · 23/11/2017 15:54

I also lived with my DP and his best friend for a few months.

My DP had already been living with his best friend and asked if I wanted to move in with him (his house and friend was renting a room at the time).

I really enjoyed it as we all got on - and similar to IceFall I got on really well with his girlfriend.

The friend and his girlfriend moved in together and we're still really close.

GeekyBlinders · 23/11/2017 15:55

I wouldn't be happy with this. I also wouldn't be happy with the timeframe, to be honest - you've been together two years, he's thinking you'll maybe move in together in the next two years, then live with his mate for another two years?! So basically you will have been together perhaps six years before you live together on your own? I know you're young but that s sems very casual to me.

Trinity66 · 23/11/2017 15:57

YANBU

He seems like a pretty slow mover-on-er relationship wise. I wouldn't fancy moving in with him and his friend. I'd tell him you'll move in when he's ready for it to be just the two of you tbh

Northernparent68 · 23/11/2017 16:01

Whereustgetinsel, using sex as a bargaining tool is appallingly manipulative.

Bestzebbie, acquiring an interest in a property without being on the deeds (constructive trust) is complicated and not a case of simply paying half the mortgage

MontyPants · 23/11/2017 16:02

NO NO NO
Do NOT move in with him and his friend
This happened to me
Friend/flat mate moved her boyfriend in (without asking me though, so I guess that's different to your situation), and while I liked him initially, he completely took the piss. He was messy and he didn't pay for anything. He was always in the bathroom when I came home from work, and I worked late hours in a quite physical job at the time and just wanted to shower when I got home. He seemed to do it on purpose. And used up all the hot water.
Friend and I fell out. I haven't spoken to her for years.

amusedbush · 23/11/2017 16:02

It isn't wise to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend too soon.

Four years is a very long time to wait to move in with a partner though, and then to live with a friend for another couple of years?

I know that OP is young but I met DH at 22 and moved in a year later. It just seems a bit odd and non-committal.

Trinity66 · 23/11/2017 16:07

MontyPants

Also, when you come home from work you're going to want to relax, walk around in your PJs or undies or whatever. You can't exactly do that with the friend living there. Or have proper privacy

holeinmyheart · 23/11/2017 16:10

Absolutely not. No moving in.
If you are move in with him, it is a sort of trial marriage isn't it? BUT It is hardly mimicking a marriage with another person hanging around. Also if they are not a nice conscientious pair of new men then you might well end up picking up after them.

I think your OH has been amazingly insensitive. I think you and him have a lot to talk about. 24 is old enough to be married and have a family. I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for someone to make their mind up with the enthusiasm of Prince Charles towards Diana. You could waste years of your life, waiting...and waiting. I don't think he intends you to be his 'Forever' So sorry OP. Because it hurts.

IceFall · 23/11/2017 16:10

Four years is a very long time to wait to move in with a partner though, and then to live with a friend for another couple of years?

Yeah I agree 6 years is a long time to wait to be living together just the two of them, but I expect they will either decide they want to move in together sooner, or they will decide they don't really and it won't go anywhere.

Bicarb · 23/11/2017 16:15

But please get this sorted before you do move in.

I shared with my friend when his gf moved in and she was clearly 'nesting' and wanting the relationship to move on to marriage & kids asap.

She made my life quite unpleasant until I eventually moved out. My friend asked me not to last minute, as he broke up with here about 2 weeks after I left. I guess he must have already known it was going to happen, but couldn't tell me.

There is a happy ending though - they're now happily married, to other people! :D

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/11/2017 16:15

My then DP moved his friend into our flat.

Friend is now my DP of 26 years.

All very painful and messy. I think it's best for a couple to have their own space.

gaymeanshappy · 23/11/2017 16:19

As a PP said all that matter here is that you both need to be happy, and you wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. It needs sorting out in some way.

It actually wouldn't bother me at all if I liked the friend and they were respectful (not leaving a massive mess/pots in sink etc) but I am a sociable person who wouldn't mind being in pjs etc in front of someone who I wasn't in a relationship with . But this isn't about me. I also would question why if you were moving in together he has moved a friend in long-term.

callmeadoctor · 23/11/2017 16:24

I did this, difference is that we had just got married. It wasn't good...............

Chrys2017 · 23/11/2017 16:25

Is it a purely financial thing perhaps? Maybe OP's boyfriend needs more than two people paying toward his mortgage for the next few years, so doesn't want to ask his friend to move out.

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