to think 3 is a crowd when moving in with DP?

[JollyGiraffe]

DP and I have been together for 2 years, very happy and often talk about the future. For context, he is 27 and I am 24.

This year, DP bought his first flat (2 bedrooms) and invited his best friend to move in with him.

DP recently brought up the topic of us moving in together, not in the immediate future but sometime in the next couple of years. He mentioned that he had briefly mentioned it to his best friend, and whether he would mind living with a couple when DP and I decided it was the right time to move in together. It wasn't a serious conversation between them, but his friend said he wouldn't mind living with a couple.

DP has asked for my view in the situation. I really like his friend, we get on very well. However, if I were to move in with DP, I would not want his friend to live with us long term. DP asked how long I meant by not long term- I said, maximum 6 months (thinking that was being generous!). DP said he was thinking more like a couple of years....of the 3 of us living together.

I would worry that living together with DP's friend could cause resentment from any of us, and ruin any of our friendships. I would worry that I couldn't be affectionate with DP in case the friend feels uncomfortable (at the moment the friend will eat dinner in his bedroom if DP are eating at the table in the kitchen). I would worry I would start to see DP as a flatmate rather than my partner.

I would want it to be our space- neither of us have lived with a partner before and I know it will be a huge change for our relationship and a massive adjustment, without throwing another person in the mix.

The conversation ended well between DP and I - he was very understanding and saw my perspective, and said it had given him good things to think about.

Sorry that this has been long!

If it’s sometime in the next couple of years who says friend will still be there? Might have met a partner and moved out himself? No point stressing over hypothetical situation.

I really think it'll depend on how everyone feels in your situation. I've had my housemate longer than I've had my husband and neither of them are going anywhere any time soon.

I think it's nice personally, having someone extra around the house. Ds loves his 'uncle' and if he ever moves on we'll all miss him immensely

I rent out a room to my friend and did in fact have two renting off me when my partner moved in.

My friend has now been living with us for a while now and though sometimes there are issues it has never been majorly awkward and we all get on. In fact when my partner and I moved to another property the friend came to - helps with the mortgage at least.

Although our situation works it may be different for you. I would sit down with your boyfriend and have a good long chat and see where you stand regarding whether you would be paying rent or how he sees it going long term.

The friend's presence will kill off any of the romanticism of moving in together. Spontaneous sex on the kitchen table? Naked on the sofa with the Sunday papers? Discussing and sharing as a couple where and when you want? Deciding if the Ikea lamp is too ugly for that corner?

I can see I'm in the minority, but I live with my DP, our 5 month old DS and our good friend. It works really well, we have a bigger house than we could otherwise afford (renting), there's someone else cooking a third of the time and it's extra company when I'm stuck indoors with a whingey baby.

That said, we're sick of renting and looking to buy as a couple, so it's not our long term plan. And fundamentally our housemate is a close friend and we communicate well about any issues. So I do suspect we're something of an anomaly...

I wouldnt think much of a bloke who kicked his best mate out for a bit of fluff TBH

I wouldn't recommend it.

I lived with a partner and a friend for a while. We were all friends, no issues there. It was terrible for our relationship though - we weren't comfortable arguing/discussing things in front of the 3rd person which meant that we always ended up avoiding conflict rather than discussing things.

Living with a friend is a different dynamic to living with a partner and mixing the two I think you get the downsides of both.

I lived with partner and two other guys for a while, and it was fine. It was only for about 6 months though, I'm not sure I'd have wanted to do it long term.
It was nice to have other people around to talk to, and they did some cleaning and cooking, so overall I liked it!

It's all a bit hypothetical - you could move in within next two years (pretty vague and long time frame). Lodger stay for another 3 years after that. The friend could meet someone himself.He may want to get his own place (and mortgage). Who knows??

Do you love your boyfriend and want to live with him? Does he feel the same - is he delaying? Keeping you on the hook?

I've done it a couple of times. In both cases it worked well because:

• I was travelling a lot for work,so not there every night
• I knew the flat mates really well, so no awkwardness eg walking from the bathroom after having had a shower wrapped in a towel
• I wasn't the house skivvy
• it was temporary because in each case it was to help everyone save money in order to buy a house

I wouldnt think much of a bloke who kicked his best mate out for a bit of fluff TBH

a bit of fluff? Are women objects to you or what? :/

My best friend asked me to move in with her and her DP. It worked well (for us!!!). Not sure he had the best time though!

You're 24 and have been with this DP since you were 22. Why on earth do you want to give up on life already and 'settle down'? You and your DP should both be each other's 'will do for now' at your respective ages, and I don't blame him at all for not wanting to make plans which exclude his best mate.

I know people who have done this relatively happily in order to save for a deposit. But it had its issues - new girlfriend hiding in mate’s bedroom as too shy, saving arguments til later.

But I could not have done it. I would never have felt at home as I wouldn’t have wanted to chill in my PJs on the sofa or make out in the living room or sing stupid songs to the cat with the mate around.

Also, it’s just a fact the sex will be better with your own space.

So he doesn't want you to be living together as a couple until six years into the relationship? That seems strange. Is it possible he's seeing you just as someone nice to date for now? In my experience if a man is sure about you he wants you all to himself and to create a home and a life together. This discussion might have been understandable six months in, but two years down the line and only thinking about it happening in even more years seems he's not taking this very seriously at all.

Beware of men who are surgically attached to their best friends and live with them. It's very rare for a woman to come along and the guy to be ready and willing to make the relationship a priority and move on from the roommates phase of life to the settled partnered up phase of life. I dodged guys like this when dating, it doesn't bode well for the future!

sloe is just wandering round threads throwing in stuff to get a rise, ignore him. ‘‘Twas all ‘well tra la la la Take a Break huffety huff on the other one. Bless you sloe lovely to have your contribution, give us some more views ;)

DH's friend was thrilled when we told him I was moving in...less thrilled when we said it meant he had to move out. Your DH has handled this the wrong way round.

Thanks to all those who have shared their experiences- both good and bad!

And for those who feel they can judge my whole relationship (and indeed DP) based on this one post.....I'm not interested in your opinion.

It's very interesting how some people say 'you're so young!' and others say 'but you're 24, it would be reasonable for you to be married with children by now!' I guess it just shows that it totally depends on the people involved and how they feel.

As I mentioned in my original post, we are both very happy together and see this going somewhere. At the same time, we are both very cautious and don't want to ruin anything! I'm not sure where I implied in my post it is him putting it off and me pushing for it. I would not want to move in at the moment because I'm working a difficult job with lots of weekends and nights and I'm generally a bit all over the place. I've also had some health problems in the last year or so and so I have really needed my own space.

It's all hypothetical at the moment- so thank you to those who have shared your experiences

When DH and I first lived together it was in a house we shared with a friend - it was a mutual friend, though (DH and I were friends before we started going out). It was a blast. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to do it now. But at the time it suited me, and us perfectly - and it meant our rent was super cheap!