Husbands spent his way out of our relationship Help

[11pud]

I'm in a really sticky spot. Basically I've fallen out of love with my partner. He's a kind man but we've been through so much in the last few years I think it's sobered me up to his faults and I want out. He is addicted to spending money and being flash despite us being relatively poor. He drinks too much but because it's wine he thinks it's fine. He wants to live a life like his brother but his brother earns £100k plus. He won't be talked round to living more frugally. He is recently self employed so he could 'follow his dreams' and whilst business is ok- we still quite often need to ask for loans from parents which I hate doing but he has no problem with it. Recently he 'surprised' me and booked us a trip away- the next month we were broke and had to get another loan. He has no idea.
His mother treats me like absolute dirt for no other reason than I don't iron my DS clothes 'as much as she would' and silly things like that.
My fathers always been great with finances and although he doesn't say- I know he must be worrying and shudders to think how are finances are. I want out as I feel so out of control but I'm scared me leaving him will give my father a heart attack as I wil need to live with parents with my 2 kids- my fathers just bankrolled my brothers divorce and I just feel trapped, embarrassed and scared.
I'm not working as I've not long ago had a two month premature baby which has caused me an enormous amount of stress. I do help out with the business a lot though.
I'm just fed up of scrimping and doing the numbers so that other half can maintain certain lifestyle. I want out but don't know how. Do I seem bad for wanting to leave him because essentially of financial reasons?

No, get rid of him.

He is recently self employed

Books will be cooked and you won't get any financial support.

Just be aware.

Is he a ltd company or a sole trader.

Are you married ?

I hope not as when it's tax return time
His going to be screwed !

No not married. He's a sole trader. Everything's in his name but so is the house sadly. He doesn't cook the books as I do the tax but I am worried how he's going to pay it.
I do t know how I will cope on own though as I will need to get a ft job but can't afford childcare.
I'm so worried about it all. I'm crying all the time and clueless what to do.

He will absolutely start cooking the books when the CSA or whatever they're called now get in touch so he can pay his child support. Leave, please.
Are you in the UK??
If so; people will be able to advise you on your benefits options (the system has changed so much recently and I've been abroad, so not up on the recent system)

Pressed enter too soon.
Claiming some benefits and living with your family will absolutely see you better off than you are now. Emotionally and financially (longer term at least) he will spend you into ruin.

Talk to Women's Aid, get a free consultation with a solicitor. Once you have all the necessary information you will find it easier to make a plan.

I bet this 'business' of his is some self-indulgent wank that pays less than minimum wage to him and is not sustainable long-term. These self-aggrandizing, selfish men never have any business sense.

You need out! I no it's easier for us on the outside too say but if he's not going too give up this lifestyle for you and his children then he obviously cares more about that than his family. Sorry for being blunt I really feel for you. Dont rush and worry about work straight away, not sure where abouts you are but go too the council once your out and they will help and also job centres I know it won't be a lot of money but will be something too help you get by.. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you and your children. You could also go too a citizens advice centre they will give advise on what's best for you

Sorry lovvie, but I'd leave him, you have nothing in this relationship, no financial protection, nothing.

The business is absolutely not "doing ok" if you're having to ask for loans from your parents to bail you out...

My Brother In law was like this, turned out he was gambling recklessly as well. Could this be a factor?

My fathers always been great with finances and although he doesn't say- I know he must be worrying and shudders to think how are finances are. I want out as I feel so out of control but I'm scared me leaving him will give my father a heart attack as I wil need to live with parents with my 2 kids- my fathers just bankrolled my brothers divorce and I just feel trapped, embarrassed and scared.

You might actually find that your father is relieved if he is already worrying about your finances.

Hang on your title says "husband" but you aren't married?

You need A Plan. You do the taxes and obviously have access to the books?

Photo copy everything and stash it away - you'll be needing it when you leave and go for child support

O/t the next time someone says 'marriage is just a bit of paper' - situations like this are why it's important. For financial protection.

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/money-saving-tips/10162608/Why-getting-married-leaves-you-better-off.html

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

What is this business of his?

Is a last shot at frank talking worth a go? Tell him the facts and that if he won't change you are gone. Is he just stupid and could learn?

After taking financial precautions first.

If his a sole trader and the company gets into shit they will come after his own assets.

I would get your shit together and prepare to leave he clearly isn't a mature adult or a stable partner or parent.

You can work part time live with your parents
Hopefully to start things off, you will get help for the children. It won't be as bad as you think I know it's daunting.

We are here to help. Mums net is full of women who have started fresh.

My dad was financially very reckless, ran his own business and in the end we lost our house because of it. My mum also confided years later that he was also unfaithful and in the end she had enough, got herself a council house for herself, my sister and I and for the first time in our lives we had a guaranteed roof over our heads. Don't underestimate the effect that living with a man like this will have on your children. He will never change, never listen to you and your DC and you both deserve better. He's living in a dreamworld - you don't have to. Walk away.

My fathers always been great with finances and although he doesn't say- I know he must be worrying and shudders to think how are finances are. I want out as I feel so out of control but I'm scared me leaving him will give my father a heart attack as I wil need to live with parents with my 2 kids- my fathers just bankrolled my brothers divorce and I just feel trapped, embarrassed and scared.

Speak to your dad.

Just sit down with him and tell him everything you have written here.

The fact that you are staying with this irresponsible, profligate spender is probably causing your parents more stress than you can imagine, particularly as you have no claim on the house or business and your financial situation and security are never going to improve all the time you are with him, nor is that of your kids.

Just sit down with them, tell them everything. Make it clear to them that any help they give would be temporary and short term until you can get on your feet - and you will be able to get on your feet - plenty of us have done it.

I wasn't married either and got fuck all from my ex partner. Not a penny from the house (also in his name), and no maintenance for the kids.

I left after 10 years with a 3 year old and a 5 year old and a few bits and bobs packed into a hired van. It was bloody hard at first, but now - although I'm very far from well off, I'm ok, have a nice little (rented) home, but I have my own little business and my kids have never gone without. One's just left Uni and the other is in her 2nd year and both doing fine.

Speak to your parents. They love you, they care for you and will understand. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. You will probably find they will be relieved that you have decided to leave this idiot.

11pud I am so sorry, this is so hard.

Please take a step back, you have a brand new baby, a premature one (any other kids?), sounds like your dad's health is bad, your brother has just divorced and you might even have a touch of Post natal depression (IMHO - just possibly as it is very common I think).

In your shoes I would ask to speak to someone and get some help to get your thoughts in order.

It is totally fine for you not to want to be with your partner anymore, he sounds like he is putting a massive stress on your relationship at a very critical time for you both.

But before you leave I would get some expert advice, both for the emotional (and dare I say medical if you do have any sort of post natal baby blues) and for the practical/financial side.

I think you need to explain to your partner what has happened and what his part in it has been.

If he closed the business, or ran it as a part-time hobby and got a full time job, and stopped spending money he does not have, would you want to stay? If so, give him the option.

If not, then fine, go.

At this very important and difficult time (when you should be happy and resting) your partner has put you under massive strain, he needs to know this, whether you choose to give him the option to change or not.

Even if you do leave he may well want a relationship with his child/ren and he is financially partially responsible so either way he will need to step up.

Please get help, Relate, mediation, financial advice if you can find it for free locally, and prepare yourself for the future. You are right to want to leave but either way your dh is going to need to sort this out!

I think your dad could be a support here, whether you live with him or not, hopefully this will not put an undue stress on his heart but it's your call whether to involve him or not.

IGNORE anything I have said which is unhelpful.

Good luck

Upsettummy great advice.

JaneEyre "Don't underestimate the effect that living with a man like this will have on your children. He will never change, never listen to you and your DC and you both deserve better. He's living in a dreamworld - you don't have to." Very wise words.

You might be worse off for leaving him (although not necessarily), but you will have peace of mind and control over your own money. And that is worth all the money in the world.

You will survive. And he will have to find (and pay) someone to do his books for him. A lesson in how much real life actually costs, without a partner mitigating the damage, might be just what he needs.

I think you should tell him this and tell him how serious it is before you disappear - I think we all owe our spouses that level of frank communication. At worst, it might mean you are leaving eventually still but in a much better financial state. It does not sound like a very good time to branch out on your own, given your baby, who I think you should put first.

I think being kind to your husband about his money delusions and shallow priorities may be more effective than judging him (though booooy is it tempting). Reassuring him that you love him for who he is, and that you don't value material possessions, might help reassure him that this affectation for valuing material nonsense is not healthy and will not actually make him feel less insecure. The debt must be playing on his anxiety and the best way to be happy is to be honest with himself about the debt, and stop trying to make other think x or y of him with lavish spending.

The sad truth is, most people clock it when you are just borrowing to show off and think less of you, not more of it, when you do so. But this can be a difficult message to hear when you are insecure and deluding yourself, so try to be direct but supportive and gentle, rather than contemptuous and impatiently 'duh!' with him - although I know that is very hard when he is stressing you out.

Sometimes in a relationship you have to be the one who takes control and sets the tone, even around "traditionally" male realms like money. It sounds like he is not being adult and needs someone to step in for him.

I'm not sure disappearing will help you very much because it does not sound as if you are capable of supporting yourself financially either.